Dear Widda Community,
I would love your advice on what to do next.
My husband died 10 months ago after an 8 month battle with cancer. With the exception of some visits from my mother when I've had to travel for work (she was also here often during the illness and came for 2 weeks after he died, she lives 3000 miles away), and a trip to visit my aunt in Europe, my 5yr old and I have coped alone.
I haven't wanted it to be that way. My husbands mother and siblings, who are not local but at least on the same coast, were in denial about his impending death and too distraught to help towards the end or immediately following. At least that is my explanation for their paralysis and subsequent disappearance.
Over the summer, I came close to a nervous breakdown. I had been unable to find permanent childcare that my distraught child would tolerate (wouldn?t let me out of sight), I have a full rewarding career and wanted to get back to work (I dropped everything to care for my husband) and...I wanted a fucking break. I don't have to explain to any of you how hard everything is.
I wrote to DH's siblings asking if they could take my child for a week over the summer. His brother's family and I used to be close, and they have grown children, so I reached out to him first. I never heard from him. His wife let me know that it was too painful for him to see us. I wrote to his sisters but they had varying conflicts. My MIL I did not want to burden because she had her own crisis. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer, her husband was diagnosed with Alzheimers. And they both went rapidly. By the time DH died, his dad didn't understand any of it. My MIL put him in a home and he also passed away in September. So it?s been a double blow for DH?s family. I get that.
I realized that I'd been hoping, since the frantic, horrible last weeks of my husbands life, that eventually help would come. People talk about the 6 month slump when friends and family move on with their lives. For me, it was the realization that I was never going to have any more help. I know this family has been hit hard. I'm trying to be compassionate and understanding but?it hurts. I feel like they abandoned us and I can?t get past that feeling.
His family always seemed so loving and close and I was always impressed, the 18yrs we were together, of their bond. I?ve found all this so shocking but I've done my best to walk away. That hasn't been hard because we don't communicate. Until now. DH's brother just sent an email as though nothing ever happened, giving us an update on his kid's college experiences and saying he is going to visit us in February.
What do I do? Do I try to bury this rock in my chest and accept whatever relationship he wants to have with his brother?s child? Or do I tell him how I feel and risk burning that bridge forever? I don?t trust them and have a worry that will they just abandon us again in the next crisis.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart
