still_lost

So I'm sure many of you at some point have been guilted into something by children, friends, relatives etc. I feel like I didn't get the support that I needed from friends and family in the past seven years, but I've figured things out for myself and done the best that I could. I feel like they asked for more favors after my husband died, thinking that I came into money, which was clearly not the case. So these guilt trips are usually given by my sister, who acts like the world is ending when she doesn't get her way. Today, I can proudly say that I didn't let her guilt me into something that I couldn't do, and I didn't offer a bunch of excuses, hoping that she would understand. I've catered to her feelings a lot in the past, but she's a grown woman and should be able to handle "no" when I cannot do certain things. Briefly: We live about 900 miles away from each other. My niece is turning one soon, and of course I wanted to be at her first bday party. However, finances have caused me to have to wait a week to purchase the plane tickets. I really didn't want to miss her party, but I will see her 6 days later, so it's not a big deal. She rented a hall, all of the family is coming, and I'm still paying for the custom cake that a friend is making because I honor my agreements. So I let her know today that I would be there after the party, and all she could sarcastically say was "ok." She then rushed me off the phone in a huff because she was frustrated. I hung up and left it at that. I'm not doing this again. She's in her 30s and old enough to understand that things don't always go as planned. Honestly, $600 for tix, car rental, and hotel is a lot right after Christmas, especially since I have taxes to pay in a few weeks. I made a way, and still it isn't good enough. I'm done with the guilt trips, though. I'm proud of myself for that. Add to that, my son has had 3 birthdays here that she hasn't flown down for, which is no big deal. That doesn't mean she loves him any less.

Yeah, part of me knows that. I have seen friends and a few family members go through situations such as this one, and it always ended badly. I think this is why I look at a long term relationship with him very differently. He's a great guy, and under different circumstances I think I would be less apprehensive about being with him.

I don't think I'm getting ahead of myself by recognizing that he has a lot more going on than I am prepared to deal with. Starting with an ex-wife who (according to him) is very manipulative and uses their 4 children as pawns. He cannot have any more children, and I obviously want one in the future. That's an issue for me. My post was not meant to sound like I was ready to get married next week, just that at some point in the future I would have to compromise on some things that are important to me. I don't want to get closer to him if I know that there will be issues down the line. Four children and a spiteful ex-wife is a lot in my book.

It's been a few months now since I met the man that I'm currently dating. He's smart, funny, very kind and considerate, and we get along very well. We've spent a lot of time with each other, and I feel myself getting closer to him. I mentioned in a previous post that he is divorced with four children, only one of which lives with him, the others with his ex-wife out of state. He asked me the other day if I would ever consider moving out of state (someday). I live in the South, and after being born and raised up North, I like it here and don't see myself moving anytime soon. I realize that it is too soon to be planning a future just yet, but I cannot ignore the obvious. He asked me if I would move since his ex and children live a few states away, and he would want to be closer to them(which I totally understand). The other issue that I have is that I would like to have another child some day, since my husband and I only have one. This is something that I've thought about for many years, and I don't feel like I want to compromise on it. He has already told me that he's had a vasectomy and cannot have more children( again, I get that since he already has four). So I guess I'm wondering if I should just walk away now since there are already things that concern me about the situation. He is a good guy, I can tell, but I don't want to complicate my life all that much. I hope that doesn't sound selfish because it's not intended to be that way. I moved over 900 miles away from family to start a new life here, and it I like where we are. I just don't see myself uprooting the two of us to follow his ex-wife who is using these children as pawns to get what she wants. What happens in a few years if she decides to move somewhere else? Is he going to follow her again? I've also heard him mention that she calls him often to argue about this or that, and there was a huge argument over Christmas about one of the children who was supposed to visit him, but she changed her mind at the last minute. It just sounds like a messy situation, and one that I don't think that I could handle long term. I really like him, and I realize that relationships sometimes require sacrifice. Down the road, I don't know how willing I would be to give up on what I want. I'm honestly thinking of remaining friends with him, but a relationship might not be for us.

Mike, it's more the fact that he already has four children and an ex-wife, and that in itself adds a little.more stress to a relationship. We are not at the point of a relationship, obviously, but I have heard him say that he always wanted a big family and another child in the future. I think it's just me getting caught up by the fact that he already has a big family, and I don't know how I would deal with four of someone else's children.

As I mentioned before, my husband passed seven years ago. I've only had one two year relationship since then that ended over a year ago. I decided that I was very ready to move on from such a negative person even though he expressed his interest in getting back together a few times. I told myself that I deserve better. So I met a guy through a friend whom I had no real interest in once she told me about his situation. We hadn't met face to face at that point, but she told me that he was divorced with 4 kids, only one living with him, the others out of state with their mom. He works in thr medical field, lives about 10 minutes from me, coaches little league and his sons football team etc.. Once we started talking on the phone (for 5 hours) on average, I felt a connection with him. Then my girlfriend and her guy invited me out to dinner, and he came along so it wasn't awkward since it seemed like four friends just hanging out. He really is a nice guy, the physical attraction is definitely there also. We talk/text throughout the day, and we've made plans to go out next week one on one. I guess I'm hung up on the fact that he's divorced with four little ones. I have only one child, and one day would like to have another, so a man with four children is an issue for me. He seems to be a great father, and very involved with his children. I think I'm just getting hung up on this, and I probably shouldn't. I guess we will just remain friends for now, and see where it goes. I also don't want to get caught up in all of the attention and sweet compliments that he gives me, and be blinded by some of the other things. I think this was the case with my ex since he was the first man after four years of being alone. I really wanted companionship and someone to talk to. I don't want to make the same mistake again. Any thoughts?

Yes, Bunny it does suck. He was an attractive man, but I was not looking at him in that way. He made sure to tell me that women approached him on a regular basis, and he had not problem finding p&%@y. (Sorry, I know that it's vulgar, his words not mine). I was surprised how quickly the conversations took a turn for the worse, so I had to leave him alone. He disguised himself as this very humble man of God, which I found out was not who he really was.

It's been seven years since my husband died, and I've struggled with a lot of things. The biggest issue that I'm having is finding what makes me happy. I sat down the other day and really asked myself this question. The past seven years have been me working and providing for my child, but I can't say that I've done much in the way of fun. I know that I need to relax more and stop stressing about things that I cannot control. That only makes matters worse. I was in a relationship for a couple of years, and I guess I believed that I needed a man to make me happy. Thinking that is what probably made me hold onto the relationship for as long as I did. This along with the fear that maybe he was my only chance at happiness again. Today I realized that things need to change, and I am the only one who can make these changes. With all of that being said, what have you all done to make yourselves happy. There is nothing wrong with a relationship, don't get me wrong, but there are many of us who haven't found the right one just yet. What do you do on a regular basis to fill yourself up?

I met an older man a few months ago. He is in his 60's and lost his wife. I would regularly see him at one of the shops that I go in daily. We struck up a conversation one day, and he told me his story. He was saying how hard it is around the holidays without his wife, and I could definitely relate. So we had a nice conversation, he said that he would keep me in his prayers; and gave me his number in case I ever wanted a friend who would listen. I still struggle with things even after seven years, so I called him one day. We had another good conversation, but then a few times after that, I noticed that he may be interested in me on a very different level. As I mentioned, he's in his 60's, I'm in my 30's. There's no physical attraction for me, but I wasn't looking at him in that way to begin with. His conversations then became about how if I were his woman.... And we should FaceTime and spend time together etc. I let him know that my interest in him was only as a friend. The more I spoke with him, the more I realized that he was not someone that I wanted to be involved with at all, even on a friendship level. I just hate when people use God to cover up their true intentions. He's supposedly a minister, but I don't know if I believe that. Just proof that I need to stay on my guard when it comes to people.

Yes, that makes a lot of sense! It just cracks me up that he didn't want the relationship, but he didn't want me to be with anyone else either.

You've made one bad decision after another since losing your spouse? I feel like I have. If my husband hadn't died, I would've never met the people who I've met over the past seven years. I would've never allowed myself to be so vunerable as to expose myself to so called friends. I was a different person when he was alive. I never needed anyone else because I had him for everything. For the first time in my life, I'm almost forced to rely on other people and ask for help, and I don't like it. The loneliness has made me almost cling to people for companionship, and I've held onto others who I should have left behind. I don't like who I've become, I really don't. The circumstances forced me to change, and in some ways it's been for the worst. I told myself a few days ago that if I keep to myself, and I don't form any attachments, then I minimize the bad mistakes. His death forced me to change, and every decision that I've made since then has caused more pain and frustration. Does anyone else feel this way?

I agree.

That's the part that I find so puzzling. Why wouldn't he be happy for me if I was moving forward? I sincerely want him to be happy, even if it's not with me. I guess it's a maturity thing. I am hurt because I considered him my friend. We would talk on the phone for hours even after we had broken up. He was the first and only man that I had been with after my husband died. It took me four years to be ready. In many ways, he brought me out of the depression that I was in. I will always be grateful for that at least. I just can't allow him or any other man to disrespect or abuse me. It's nothing compared to losing my husband, but it still feels like another loss to me.

Thank you both. I'm laughing so hard about me not reading the script properly! That is too funny! Made my day because I was scratching my head in confusion. I try not to come down so hard on myself for not seeing this side of him sooner. It shocked the hell out of me. I'm sure there really is a woman, the two were hugged up in a pic on the beach. The ring looked like it was a pic of another woman's hand, as this new girlfriend wasn't wearing it in her pic. It's very possible that he has been with this person for a while, so I cannot understand why he would continue to talk to me, text and send pics of him in the gym etc, if he had plans on marrying someone. It made me question our entire relationship and what he may have been doing on the side. Either way, I've moved on. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't the crazy one.

I've only had one long term relationship in the seven years since my husband died. I waited for four years to get to a point where I felt like I could open to another man. We were at a distance, most of the time, but due to his work he would come home as much as he could. We lasted a little over two years before I let him know that I wanted more. One of us had to make the move, and I realized that it would have to be me. He wasn't sure where he job was going to take him or where he wanted to settle down etc... I just felt like he was dragging his feet, so I let the relationship go. It's been over a year but we would talk from time to time, sometimes for hours. I felt like I at least had a friend. My attachment to him was very strong because he was he first after such a long time, and he made me feel like I was loved and cared for. Fast forward to a few weeks ago when we were on the phone. He asked if I was dating, and I said yes. I had only gone out with one guy three times, so it was nothing serious. I didn't feel like I needed to explain any of that to him since we had broken up a year ago and we were just friends. I guess he didn't like that. He said a few things that I didn't like, so I ended our conversation. He texted me "Happy Thabksgiving, sweetie, but I completely ignored it. Just two days ago he texted me saying how he had a girlfriend there where he was, and pics of a random hand with an engagement ring on. He even went so far as to tell me the cut of the diamond, size etc... I told him I was happy for him. Then he called me a desperate widow which stung pretty bad. I am in no way desperate for anyone. I had a genuine love for the man when we were together, but a lot of his selfish ways began to cause problems in the relationship. I feel terrible that I really misjudged this guy because I didn't see this coming. His new lady friend is supposedly more "accomplished" than me, whatever the hell that means. I have an advanced degree, but I don't flaunt that around to make myself appear better than anyone else. I was just amazed at how far he was trying to cut me down. Needless to say, I blocked him and moved on. I lost someone I thought was a friend, but I know that I'm a good person and I deserve better than that. What drives a man to be so cruel after all I showed him was loyalty and respect? I just don't get it. If you have a woman, fiancée, whatever, I'm happy for you. But the moment he felt like another man was in his position, all hell broke loose. I just don't understand. Any thoughts?

My husband died seven years ago. Why do I seem to feel worse now than I did years ago? I go to work every day, take care of my child, but I feel like I am physically and emotionally worse off than I was in prior years. I don't want to cook as much, socialize, be around people, etc...I wasn't like this years ago. I guess it's really taking a toll on me now. I have my child to live for, but he will grow up and leave one day, then what next??

I hear what you are saying, but I'm tired. I think I've made a conscious decision to stop dating/looking for someone, and to be alone. I feel at 35 my life is over. I have to try to figure out how to be a good mom, and raise the best son that I can by myself. I have given up on everything else. This last guy helped me to see that I'm not ready and probably never will be.

It has been seven years since my husband died, and I've only had one relationship for two years that ended a year ago. I tried to put myself out there again, and I went out to dinner with a couple of guys on separate occasions, nothing serious at all. I always got the impression that the guys weren't serious about wanting a long term relationship, so nothing ever came of it. I met a guy three months ago, and we have gone out several times. He's kind and considerate, but he wants to move a bit faster than I am willing to go. We have kissed and cuddled, but we haven't gone all the way. I suspect that the physical is all that he's interested in, so I had to let him go. What I realized is that I am not ready to be in a relationship with anyone. He is not the first man to tell me that I'm very guarded with my feelings, and it seems that I don't want to let anyone in. I realize now that this is true. No one is going to be my husband, or treat and love me the way that he did. I am finding it very difficult to relax and open up to other men. Part of me wants to move forward and make a life with someone new, but there is the other part of me that is still so in love with my husband that it's hard for me to love someone else. So, I've decided that I'm not going to try anymore. It gets very lonely at times, but if this is what the plan was for my life, I have to make the best of it.

Seven years since he's been gone, and the struggle is never-ending. I'm tired. I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. I have no one.

I've even had family members hint around in the past about needing money. I don't discuss money with them, as they don't pay any of my bills or help me to make financial decisions. I think its rude to ask a person how much money they have or what they make, I would never have the nerve!! AND I think it's just as bad to bring up your past due bills in a casual conversation while on a date. It just looks like you're an opportunist. It makes me question his motivation for dating me in the first place.

I'm curious to know if any of you have run into men who assume you were left with lots of money? I dated a guy for a few months, and things seemed to be going well. I never went into my financial business or discussed money with him, or anyone else for that matter. The truth is, I have more bills than I do money, but I manage to live only with my child, drive a decent car, and not ask a man to pay anything for me. This guy just assumed that I was a widow with money, and after a few months started asking for investment money. He was trying to start a business of his own and he needed 2-3K for startup. I quickly told him that I don't have that kind of money, and I also have a child to support on my OWN!! Then I thought back to another time when he hinted at some bills that he had due, but didn't have enough money to cover them. I just brushed it off since he didn't ask for anything directly, but after this second incident, I began to see the pattern. It was in poor taste for him to ask, then to get an attitude when I said no. Needless to say, I walked away from that situation and told him not to call me again. Has anyone else had this happen?

I work, like most people because I have to. My husband didn't have insurance, so we survive on SS benefits and income from my job. I have two degrees, but very little interest in working in my field. Last year I went back to night school to learn a trade that interested me. Now, I'm not sure that I even want to pursue it. So I continue to work the job that I have, and hope that I can find the inspiration to do something else. I feel like I lost everything when he died, and I don't know that I will ever get it back. I'm finding that I don't really want to deal with people and their different personalities. I wish at times that I had an office job or something from home where I could close a door and shut the world out.

My husband died suddenly almost 7 years ago, and I still have vivid memories of him collapsing. His death has been the worst thing to ever happen to me. I had a horrible childhood with parents who were addicted to drugs and alcohol. A father who was in and out of prison for most of my young and adult life. I've had my share of pain and heartache, but losing my husband cannot compare to anything else. Because so much of my life has felt like a series of emotional hurdles to get over, I feel like I'm waiting for the next bad thing to happen. In my childhood, a lot of bad did happen so I've grown used to the anxiety. Does anyone else feel like this since losing their spouse?

I've had one serious relationship since my husband passed almost seven years ago. It took me four years to be ready to open up again to another man. For different reasons, the relationship didn't work out. I've gone on a few dates since our breakup, but I haven't found anyone that I could see a potential relationship with. The dating scene is very different from what it was before I got married. It is very lonely not having someone to talk to, hang out, and make plans with. I've realized that a relationship might not be what I want. Having to open up again to another person is just too painful, especially when I risked it with my last relationship, and it didn't work out. The men that I have come across aren't the type of men that I would want to be with long term, and I don't want to casually date a bunch of people. It's exhausting!! So I've gotten used to thr idea of being single and never remarrying.

It's been almost seven years since losing my husband. I've discovered over the past few years that I've given up on so much. I don't have the drive or the energy to do anything outside of raising my child. When he was alive, I felt like anything was possible. I felt empowered to pursue any goal that I set for myself. Now I couldn't care less. I honestly don't have any hope for the future, and i feel like the beat parts of me died with him. I'm strong, I have to be for my child, but I'm exhausted. I've had my share of problems even before my husband died, but losing him has been the worst thing to ever happen to me. I'm not sure that I can ever come back from it. Does anyone else feel the same way?