Bluebird

(((((((singinmomo4))))))),

Everything you wrote I can relate to. Everything! In my case, I felt those feelings as I was dealing with the impact of my husband's addiction on him, me and our family. The stress of the dramas, the risks to our home and safety, the lying, the stealing, the bad characters that entered our lives, the constant worry, the fears and while all this is going on, keeping a decent public face on while trying to work a full time job.

I broke too. No reasonable human being can deal with what you are dealing with, without breaking down.

I did what you are doing, I went to a counselor one night a week to talk through what was happening. It helped me a little, but the thing that helped me a lot was going to alanon. Being among those who were dealing with what I was dealing with every day helped me to know:

- I wasn't alone

- I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it

- THE most loving thing I could do, for my hubby, myself and my son was to detach with love (doing that was one of the most difficult skills to learn - it took me a couple of years!)

- Self care isn't selfish, it's normal and necessary

I felt at the time like I was on a plane that was crashing, and although the air masks dropped down from the ceiling for everyone else, there wasn't one for me. By going to alanon, I learned that there was a mask for me.

I know some people feel really uncomfortable in alanon (family members of drug addicts go there too, not just family members of alcoholics), but it honestly saved my sanity and helped me navigate my choices much more effectively.

If ever you want to talk, to unload, to cry, to learn more, I'm here for you hon.

BIG LOVE and hugs, Bluebird

Hi THATgurl,

I sent you a pm :-)

Take care, Bluebird

I understand a little of your plight and frustrations RWS. My sister is single Mom to my 12 year old niece with Aspergers, and they are visiting with us now. I am getting a big insight to the challenges, personal exhaustion and frustration she lives with every day. I am very concerned both for my niece and for my sister. One thing I have realized is that my sister needs the support of other adults. We talked last night and she broke down. RWS, since you have no family, I hope you do consider the group singinmomo4 suggested...you need to share your worries with people that understand.

Singinmomo4, I am going to pass on this info to my sister if she seems ready for it. Thank you.

Take care, Bluebird

WifeLess,

Thank you for sharing this amazing post here on widda.org. You give insight to the trauma of the sufferer of mental illness as well as those who loved them. Thank you for continuing to educate through your writing and for ensuring that the loss of Beverly at the very least brings understanding  to others.

Big hugs today and always,

Bluebird

Hi Needytoo,

I went to a therapist prior to finding alanon, and my goal was to have the therapist help me figure out how to handle my husband's alcoholism and save our marriage/help us get back to a normal family life.

BIG ASK!

After a while, my therapist's gentle nudging to get me off the topic of "my husband's problem" and on the topic of mine, my self care, my sanity, my quality of life etc. led me to fire him. I can look back now and laugh, because of course, he was right!

Anyway, firing him was fantastic because I found alanon right after that, and in alanon I found the relief I needed to begin looking at myself, my relationship with my alcoholic husband, and my relationships with other people too.

So I guess this is a long winded answer to say that I found help in alanon for me and the damaged ways I was relating to people in general. i continued to attend for many years after my husband died and it was invaluable to me.

Wishing you well as you take on getting to a better place in some of your other relationships. I think it's fantastic that you've identified it and want to do something about it.

Take care, Bluebird.

Big hugs to the 707's.

I'm such a chicken about so many things now and I embarrass so easily.  But I guess if it had come down to it I'd have checked with law enforcement. But the ideas you guys suggested helped me come up with a plan. First I went to rhe military campground where we used to be able to go. They filled up my tank. I was telling the people at Fort fisher about what happened and the person standing behind me waiting to check in handed me a $100 bill.  I used to always feel so secure down here because I was on a military installation and I guess it's just a different world at Carolina beach. I kicked myself all day for leaving the window down too far in the truck. It was just so blessed hot. Anyway...things worked out . I never should have come here begging  I just felt like such a moron and the fewer people that knew , the better.

I'm really glad thinking it through here helped you come up with a plan.

It was a fairly difficult problem, because without an ATM card and a frozen bank account on your end, we couldn't get you financial help urgently. When it came down to it, you had to have help from someone local...you thought of a terrific way to do that. You're not a moron...you're resourceful!

Take care, Bluebird

There's nothing wrong with trying to do something nice for your daughter and her friends. It was important to you and you tried to make it happen. That's admirable Carey. I'm glad one of the girls can get to her Mom. The others might be able to a little later as well. I think the girls' parents are truly your  most direct access to help.

Thinking of you! Bluebird

Keeping you in my thoughts and wishing you courage....

Hi Carey,

I'm so sorry that you are in this terrible situation. A few thoughts:

- I'm thinking the priority is to get help so you can get home. Do you have enough gas in your truck to do that?

- If not, between the girls you are hosting, can they pitch in for gas?

- if not, I think it's time to call for help from one of the girls parents.

Although you are worried about how it looks to their parents, it truly doesn't matter...the priority is getting everyone home safely.

They will understand that this was completely unexpected and not your fault.

Take care, Bluebird

Yes. Fuck cancer and I'm so sorry that someone you love is losing their battle with it. Hugs to you.

Take care, Bluebird

Following!

Hi Carey,

His name is kind of funny!

I didn't have as strong a reaction to the article. There were parts where I thought he could have written better, and parts where he treated things fairly superficially "let go of regrets" ...I would likely never sign up for the coaching he offers! However, I also thought a lot of what he wrote rang true to my personal experience. He just seemed quite distant in the way he wrote about it I guess almost on a level above the reader. That's not appealing to me at all.

Don't get me started on what I'd say Carey...do you have all night? Lol.

Take care, Bluebird

Hi TooSoon,

Putting aside your LDR, it sounds like you have arrived at a place of being ready to make changes to the things you wisely and cautiously avoided changing earlier in your grief...no major decisions etc.

Earlier in my grief, if I had listened to my heart, I would have quit my secure job because it all just felt so fake and meaningless. I'm glad I didn't do that.

But later in my grief, as I became stronger, I realized how very unhappy I was . As you say, I no longer wanted to give so much of myself to my career, it was "sucking the life out of me". Admittedly, there had been some VERY unacceptable changes that spurred those feelings on, but after a lengthy career (24years) and a senior role, I understood I was done. I left in December 2013 (almost 4 years after Stephen died).

I'd like to say I made the change and I've never looked back. But you don't show up at the same company every day for 24 years and then stop, without some additional adjustment. After 6-12 months, evaluating many choices and approaches, I decided on consulting. It is inconsistent, but a lot more diverse and interesting. Importantly it suits my goal of a better balance between work and life.

Along with changing my career direction, I made a lot of choices that I  call "consolidation", partly fueled by moving to live with my guy, but also partly fueled by pursuing my next stage of life. I sold an investment property, consolidated my finances etc.

As I look back, I made major changes so that the emphasis in my life could shift from creating the secure foundation, to enjoying the fruits of my labor in a balanced way. Not just existing, but living!

I'm not sure if this helps? I wish you well as you evaluate this time of change.

Take care, Bluebird

Dear ATJ,

Ten years is such a significant milestone! Sending you wishes of comfort and the best that loving memories can bring. Your poem is a stunning tribute to your husband and to his imprint on your soul.

Love and hugs, Bluebird

Dear Carey,

Thank you for sharing your memories of that magical place. I can see why you are heartbroken. It was there for you in good times and in bad. I hope that what comes next is as comforting as your special place was.

You make me think of a place that I took my son, his girlfriend and my grandson to in Maryland the year that Stephen died. We've been there twice now, drawn back to recreate special moments where we clung together in grief. My son has been back 4 times he loves it so much, and he has just planned his 5th trip with his girlfriend this summer!

Places have meaning, they evoke distinct feelings and memories, and I'm deeply sorry you have lost this place.

Take care, Bluebird

Continuing to keep SimiRed in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong...you can do this and life WILL be better.

Take care, Bluebird

Adding my prayers as well. I know what you are doing is incredibly difficult...but ultimately worth it for you to live this one precious life you have as well as you can, and as happy as you can.

Take care, Bluebird

(((((BillsKim))))),

I'm devastated to hear of your continued struggles to make a living. I have seen your continued efforts to try different approaches and I'm in awe of the resilience you have shown to keep putting one foot in front of the other, literally.

No, we are not sick of you or tired of hearing your struggles. No, you are not useless. You have come this far Kim and I believe in my heart you will find something soon.

I am praying that things will turn around.

Love and hugs, Bluebird

Dear skitwin,

I'm so sorry you are gripped by depression but I hope you will keep fighting for you! As you say, the things you have seen and felt are more than enough of a trigger for depression. Yet, I hope you will persist with therapy and treatment since your life is worth living well. Hugs to you, Bluebird

Thank you For the encouragement and support ATJ. Hugs back at you.

Hi SVS,

I'm deeply sorry to hear that the person who hit you and caused injury and trauma to you and your daughter did not receive a more appropriate sentence. I'm glad you have the type of insurance that may allow you to file a suit to seek restitution via another path. Addicted or not, people who drink to dangerous levels and harm other people should feel the impact of meaningful consequences.

Take care,

Bluebird

Today has been a day of tears - first prompted by the stunningly accurate insight to the loss of an alcoholic spouse in the general section, and next by the sweet note we received at another website from a non-widow offering words of encouragement for those who have been widowed.

She gave me permission to share this beautiful piano solo here....

Thanks for sharing this article Guaruja,

As I was reading it, I had the strange feeling that somehow, the author knew MY story. I quickly checked the author's name in case it was someone I knew. It isn't, but sadly, her story is one that is repeated over and over when alcoholism is involved.

It brought me back to the loss of my DH to alcoholism and then his death in our basement 6 years later. It's true, alcoholism did not claim my life, and I'm living it well, but I still carry some of the baggage.

Take care, Bluebird.

Keeptrying,

I can relate. I kept my DH's cause of death as secret as possible. I had many people at work asking me his cause of death. I often said "I'd prefer not to discuss it" and some then tried going to people I worked with that were also friends to find out!

I felt at the time that his cause of death would affect my reputation at work - he died from chronic late stage alcoholism. But I also did not want his death to be judged by others. He didn't deserve that.

Over the last several years, I've grown bolder, since I left my long held job in at my ultra conservative company. I now say quite openly that he died from chronic late stage alcoholism. If the person I share that with wants to talk about alcoholism, I'm happy to discuss it, and see it as an opportunity to give some meaning to his loss.

It took me a while to get there though and your desire not to disclose it and not to taint his memory given the attitudes that prevail in society is very understandable.

Take care, Bluebird