Unlikely Connection

[cgelpink]

I really don't have any idea how to start this.  It had been a while since I posted in the other blog. When I tried to log into it today...it was gone.  I am so grief stricken.  I wish I had been able to see the earlier posts that I had made or been able to save them in some way.  Anyway, I am so glad that this site is here.  I lost my love suddenly in 2013.  We had just closed on our house (which had a lot of projects that needed to be done by my man), we were getting ready to start a family.  It was supposed to be the year we had been working so hard for. It was all taken away so quickly and without warning. I didn't think I would still be feeling the way that I am now at 2 years out. I am really starting to understand what people meant by saying that you go through waves.  I have had some good times and I try really hard to make myself get up and do things, but the past month has been awful.  I feel despair unlike anything I have felt before.  I guess the reality is sinking further in.  All of my girlfriends keep trying to get me to start dating.  In fact, if I even have a conversation with a guy, they just assume that we are going to be a thing.  I don't get it.  I've never had much trouble making friends and meeting people. I just haven't been interested in dating.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.  I want to start a family before it's too late for me, but every time I try something inside me is telling me that I'm not ready yet.  I get so frustrated when people tell me that they think I'm ready.  They have no idea how I feel.

 

I have also been renting out rooms in my house.  Everything has usually worked out well.  Last summer I decided to rent out one of the rooms to a young guy that I met through friends.  His best friend had just taken his own life and this he just needed some place to be that was stable and safe.  We clicked as friends instantly.  I honestly haven't had that type of connection with anyone in a really long time.  It was refreshing.  He made me feel good about myself, and he made me feel motivated to pick myself up and keep living.  I was a little concerned about being able to show my deepest, saddest emotions, things I usually only keep to myself or occasionally a family member, to him, but living together and being instant friends like we were it just happened uncontrollably.  I could feel myself getting attached to him.  If was really nice to have a male companion around the house.  We did normal things together all the time like grocery shopping, going out to eat or to see a show, watching a movie at the house, taking a walk around the neighborhood, hiking to waterfalls, or just chilling on the porch.  Things were never uncomfortable or forced.  We have never been anything more than friends.I enjoy our platonic relationship. No pressure.  Anyway, recently I have felt him pulling away from our friendship.  I knew it would happen eventually.  He has made new friends his age and is starting to hang out a lot with a girl that he really likes. I want him to be happy, but I can't help feeling a little bit abandoned.  It hurts so much and I have no one to talk to about it.  I don't know what to do.  I have just been trying to keep my feeling hidden from him and my emotions in check. I try really hard not to let him see me crying all the time.  I wish so badly that my love was still here.  I want so badly to be desired and loved again and to feel that way for someone else. I am very close to just shutting off all emotion and giving up....None of this is my roommate's fault, I just have no clue how to proceed. I want him to be happy and enjoy life, but it still doesn't hurt any less.  Now I feel like I have been a burden on him. It feels like I am losing someone that has been such a comforting, positive light in my life. 

 

I really just needed to get that off of my chest. It's hard to open up someone and let them fully. I did with him and I was starting to feel human again.  Now I feel like I have made a huge mistake.  I didn't intend to get so attached.  I guess I'm just sad all together.  Any words of comfort or advice would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you all for letting me ramble.

[Jen]

I want to tell you I've read this a few times, and I just don't know what to tell you... I wish there was something I could say to help. I do know what you mean about unintentionally getting attached to someone, just to see them pull away. It hurts like hell, even when there was never any ill meant by anyone. If anyone has a right to have abandonment issues, it's us wids-- and there's no question that I'm hypersensitive to feeling left behind. It's no one's fault, but that doesn't make the hurt go away.

 

I wish with all my heart that I knew a fix. I'm trying hard to learn to rely only on myself. My brain knows that no other human will ever fill this hole in me. My heart doesn't want to accept that.

 

((((Hugs)))) I'm so sorry. I'm sad too... lonely and sad and pretty much hopeless. These days I'm just trying not to care.

[Virgo]

I know what I want to say, but it probably won't be comforting to you now. Your friend has been a pleasant distraction. Now that he's starting to pull away you are starting to grieve again. I know it's hard, but think of this as a positive thing for you too. Maybe this distraction has been holding you back from moving forward. This could be another reason why you haven't really had a desire to date. You already had someone to share your day with. Like I said, it hurts now but it's not necessarily a bad change. ((hugs))

 

I had a similiar attachment to one of my guy friends. We're still friends, but I pulled back quite a bit. I realized because of our relationship I wasn't moving forward.

 

 

[cgelpink]

Thank you for the kind words and insight.  I realize now that a lot of the what I was thinking and feeling was mainly just in my head.  As far as being able to move forward, you are totally right.  A little distance will push me in a direction that I need to go if I want to move forward and try to find love again.  In the meantime, I am just going to focus on myself, make plans to do the things that I have always wanted to do (a bucket list type of thing), and keep my mind open to new people.