Reflections on a year

[Jess]

Yesterday was my one year. I tried not to build it up in my mind one way or another. This group of people, both here and at YWBB, had shown there was a wide array of possibilities for the day. Some make it through relatively unscathed and some melt down. I knew going in there was no right or wrong way for it to go, what would happen would happen. The day actually went okay.

 

LH had died on my dad's birthday so I had decided the best thing to do would be to celebrate my dad and have a family BBQ. I had concerns about my mother because more often than not, when she speaks to me she often ends up crying, which makes me cry and then there are just puddles. She was very strong yesterday and supported me and my wishes. My new guy and his daughter are in town and joined us. I had wrestled as to whether that was appropriate until a friend said "Wait, you are wondering if it would be appropriate to have more people that love you around to support you on a tough day?"

 

I thought about Joe often, but it didn't destroy me the way it could have. I thought about how he would be proud of me for choosing to celebrate. I thought about how happy he would be that I was taken care of and loved. I thought about how much he would have loved that day and more than that, how happy he would be that I can still have those days. I have learned I want to live life the way he would want me to live it, which doesn't mean chasing my own tail to have the dreams we shared together come true. It means living life in a way that makes me happy, because that was always what he wanted for me more than anything.

 

[Baylee627]

Oddly, it was a true celebration of Joe's life that you commemorated it with family and with New Guy...it wasn't his choice to pass away, but it was your choice to muster courage to move forward under your own steam and keep living. And not just to live--but to flourish.

 

I think Joe's heart would have swelled with pride. His love paved the way for you to go forth when he couldn't.

 

That is legacy.

 

Baylee

[Jen]

It means living life in a way that makes me happy, because that was always what he wanted for me more than anything.

 

THIS.

 

Absolutely this.

 

Jim died on a Thursday. On the previous Sunday evening, we had-- not an argument, but an... intense conversation that I will never forget. He looked me straight in the eyes (and, oh, he had beautiful blue eyes... "eyes like the sea after a storm...") and said, "I want you to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted."

 

He meant it. He meant every syllable, and now I realize what a gift that was. So I'm doing my best to honor that, and him. I'm finding ways to be happy. I"m trying to pay it forward, to make others happy as well, and celebrating the happiness of others instead of curling up in a bitter, resentful ball of misery. (Some days are more successful that others, granted.)

 

Jess, I haven't been online much lately-- I'm only taking two classes right now, but they're doing a pretty good job of kicking my ass-- but please know my thoughts were with you on your sadiversary, and pretty much on every other day. I don't post as much as I mean to, but I couldn't do it without you and this community, so... thank you.

 

So many hugs...

[biscuit]

Thank you for sharing.

I'm sure everyone's experience is different, but it is nice to know that one can survive the day.

Even though I am only close to 8 months, it feels like that day is fast approaching, yet also so far away...time is just weird in grief.

[BrokenHeart2]

Oh Jen, I'm happy for you!  My DH too had the most beautiful blues eyes too . I used to tease him about his bedroom eyes lol!  It must have been such a bittersweet day for you.

Blessings to you.

 

[lcoxwell]

I am sorry I missed this yesterday, as I have not had time to come here in the last few weeks. From the sound of things, it looks as though you found a lovely way to honor your love on the one year anniversary of your death. If he was anything at all like my Kenneth, I am sure that he would be proud of you for finding a way to carry on and to build a life for yourself with your New Guy. Although I have not been here much, as of late, I continue to think of you and all of the dear widows/widowers here, each and every day. (((Hugs)))