Update: So uh, dropping the widow bomb?

[Guest TooSoon]

MrsD, I hope you don't mind if I venture into another, related, arena here vis a vis the gender differences. 

 

I have had A LOT of weird stuff happen to me since I've been widowed.  Bizarre, inappropriate come-ons from single friends who seemed to just be waiting for their chance to "have at me" and even men I work with who should know better.  Complete strangers coming on to me.  Men talk to me ALL the time now.  It is super weird.  Once someone even held up a sign in their car window that said, "You're hot."  but that person was probably just your run of the mill psycho.  I'm not angry and I don't even put much stock in any of this but I mention it only because I, being generally pretty clueless about these things, actually noticed it. 

 

These things aren't happening because I am a widow; they are happening because a) I am very often alone and not in the company of a man (this never, ever happened before) and b) I am not wearing rings (even though I haven't worn them in nearly 9 years (my fingers got too puffy when I was pregnant and I never put them back on) Scott and I were very often together when we were out) AND I am often alone. 

 

I do not like it.  It is not flattering.  It is invasive, deeply uncomfortable and sometimes downright creepy.  Does this sort of thing happen to our widower comrades?  I don't know but I do know it has happened to me and that it has come both from people who knew my story but also from complete strangers who somehow picked up on an "available" vibe I was in no way intentionally giving off, as I never really thought of myself as available in the first place.

 

Would be interested to know if the men have similar experiences?

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

It would depend on whether they are single, classy guys, or drooling wolves. I imagine many of these guys are in committed relationships, married, or just bored, desperado Self proclaimed "studs", and looking to cheat. Seems the way of the world now : (

[RobFTC]

Is it different for widowed men than that of a widowed woman?

 

OH yeah - male privilege protects us from a lot.  There are a few stories about widowers getting bombarded by casseroles (didn't happen to me), but overall, I hear more predator stories.  Which sucks, because I would like to know the status in the dating profile so I can grant the extra points.  If widows contacted me, it'd be OK, but women don't really contact me unless they are 10 years older, 50 pounds heavier, or over 200 miles away.

 

I wonder if the style is even different.  Scammers and users hit me all the time, and they are pathetically easy to spot when you see a few patterns - I think organized groups and boilerrooms full of people messaging, with clear handoffs at different stages.  I get Facebook friend requests, "wanna chat" on Yahoo Messenger, contacts on dating sites.  They tend to be 20 years younger than me, usually are not close by to thwart actually meeting, and are quick to attach.  They don't try to target me by matching my age or anything, it's just the same rote crap.  Do women see patterns like this, or is it just us simple creatures?  I imagine a lot more of the problem is actual local people?  Or are your boilerroom people actually more subtle?

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Guest nonesuch]

Rob, I too, developed a  sense to detect fakery.  I tightened up my Facebook security settings to eliminate fake widowers contacting me.  I was stymied by those who bragged about lying regarding their age.  Really, if you're lying by a couple years, what's the point? If you're lying by a lot, that's duplicitous.  The kicker:  the fellow who said he'd "go anywhere for love" and didn't check the map.  His profile listed his home as 25 miles away.  Got a come-on from *soldier in Afghanistan,* but someone  my age should be an officer, I think.  Plus, his picture was of a man in his late 50s-early 60s. "Oh, we're not supposed to use the internet for online dating.  It's a friend's profile."

 

I never had a problem telling people I was widowed.  If they have a problem with that, well that's their problem, not mine.  At fifty-whatever, I just don't have the energy to dance around the truth. I never had the inclination.

 

This may be a situation in which how you deliver the information is as important as the information itself.  You are not rushing into things, trying to find someone because you can't be alone. Your loss is something you've come to grips with.  You're already rocking at the "taking care of business" end of your life.  You are ready to add a social life back into the mix.  You've done the work.

[MrsDan]

Well, it was okay. Actually, it was very nice not in a fireworks sense but more in a nice to have a conversation with someone new with shared interests. Marital status didn't come up. He telecommutes, so I think he's really looking more to expand his social circle. Of course he could be full of it, but I don't think so. He was very sweet, I think if nothing else maybe I made a new friend. All in all, I think he was the right if person for me to have this first kind of thing  with.

[BrokenHeart2]

If nothing becomes of this it sounds like you had a nice time with him!  Best of luck to you!

[Guest Bear1956]

Let is come up in normal conversation. No need to go crazy. We are not as uncommon as you might think. I meet young and youngish widows/widowers quite often IRL. A childhood friend of my daughter's just lost her husband in a car accident at the age of 22 and with a little girl still in diapers.

[Lmsmdm]

It can be scary, I personally had it in my profile. I did have several who were obvious scammers. Easily blocked. I know you are uncomfortable about this, so I really like the others suggestions about a late husband antidote.

 

Big hugs to you, as I know the step you are taking is extremely unnerving. I hope you are able to relax enough that you have a blast, even if he's not the one. I still chat with a couple of my dates on occasion as they are great guys, just not right for me romantically.

 

Edited to say cheese and rice!!! Seems I missed an entire page of this ha ha....glad you had a good time!

[MrsDan]

Bomb dropped. Not sure what he thought, but he didn't make anything of it. I suggested we take a walk in a park. He brought his dog, and the subject of where mine are came up. I explained that I was married and he died; my dogs are staying with his parents and I'm staying with his brother. We walked and talked another three hours, mostly about work, politics, etc. He texted me later about going to see some live music soon, so I guess he wasn't too put off. At least I hope that's the case, because I really like him.

[Guest nonesuch]

You know, we aren't the only ones with awkward bombs to drop.

 

I've asked women, "How did you end up on Podunk State?"

 

One said, "I came out here to be my sister's maid of honor, met the best man, and fell in love with him."

One said, "____ was the sober living house I was sent to after my rehab."

 

When I've asked, "Have you been married?" I've heard, "Four times....I'll give you a moment to digest that."

 

"Anything infectious besides your laugh?"  "Well, I have herpes."  (True story)