Update: So uh, dropping the widow bomb?

[MrsDan]

Alright I'm just going to say this. I met a guy online, we've been chatting for a while, and he asked to meet for coffee this weekend. Yeah I know. I really don't know how I feel about it, or if I'm even willing to put too much thought into that, or what it means. Wasn't even particularly eager to share this, except I need some practical advice. When do you let them know you are widowed? He knows I have a kid, but probably assumes I'm divorced. It's not in my profile, because I feel like it would make me a target for predators. So anyone who would be upset that it's not in my profile, well fuck 'em because they don't know what we have to be mindful of. But once we meet, and presuming he's not a psycho, I guess I feel funny about misrepresenting myself. I'm pretty much a no bullshit person. I realize this could go completely nowhere, and I'm not really planning on telling him at are first meeting. But I guess I'd like a sense of what the general opinion on this is. In case it does go somewhere, whether with him or someone else.

[serpico]

Widowhood seems a rather large part of our lives not to mention relatively quickly - even on a first date.  I'm not picking on you specifically but I've never understood the unwillingness some widows have of bringing up the topic.

[Wheelerswife]

Big steps you are taking, MrsDan.  Good for you with getting your toes wet.  My thoughts on reading your post...I'd probably tell him pretty quickly.  You don't necessarily have to elaborate on the details until you have decided if your date is someone with whom you feel a connection...and you can tell him you will disclose more information as you get to know each other.  I'm thinking that this is something difficult for you to do, and if you decide you want to keep dating at this point, you need to be able to start somewhere with telling your story.  Even if this person doesn't seem that compatible, perhaps you can begin to divulge some information to him (and subsequent men you meet for dates) so that you get some practice and it gets more comfortable.  Marital status is an important aspect of the people we date (married, divorced, separated...don't you want to know, too?)

 

I wish you well on this meeting this weekend, no matter the outcome.  May you walk away with your dignity and his dignity intact and feeling okay with yourself on how you handle the encounter.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[singinmomo4]

I guess I'm kind of odd on this one but I don't consider our widow status as a bomb to drop.  It's just part of me and I've always talked about it freely.  I say just let it come up as part of the cpnversation.  If you aren't nervous about it he most likely won't be and if he is then on to the next.  Good luck, have fun and enjoy yourself!

[Trying]

Wow, big steps for you!  Even if it goes no where, it's good to practice and to take time for yourself.

 

I wouldn't approach it like dropping a bomb either.  It's just a fact in your life, your reality.  You can do it naturally, as part of a story about somewhere you have travelled or something you did and say " I loved San Diego, my late husband and I took our daughter to the zoo and it was amazing" or something like that.  Now it's just out there without being a revelation and he can ask questions if he wants.

 

Do you know his past? Divorced, widowed, never married? Seems like a natural part of getting to know someone and I wouldn't want to seem like I was intentionally holding back a vital part of me.  I think you might have a hard time relaxing if he doesn't know, you don't have to go into specifics.

 

Good luck, keep us posted!

[Mizpah]

I mention it almost casually now, early (not that I'm dating, but with new friends/co-workers).  The longer you put it off, the harder it is, and the more it seems you were hiding it.  There are poor widows and widows who are financially stable - I think saying you're a widow doesn't necessarily say, "Take advantage of me for my money."  As long as you play it smart, I think you're ok, but I don't know.  I could be wrong. 

[klim]

The misrepresenting myself is the part that gets me talking.

 

In conversation I don't use the term late husband ( propbably should because that would casue less confusion), just doesn't roll off my tongue. Therefor I simply explain fairly early on  that I find myself in this position not because of divorce but because I'm widowed.I tend to ask for their story......what brought you to the point that you are onine dating..........which I then follow up with " for me it's a bit different.....I'm widowed". I then add something like" it was rough but I'm doing ok,as you can see ,hahahaha"

 

......yes it tends to be a bit awkward but after that everything goes much smoother because I don't have to monitor what I'm saying......husband, late husband, my kids , our kids , brother in law....none of it needs explained after I get over that first declararion that I'm widowed.

 

Good luck.

[momtokam]

MrsDan, I know this is a big unfamiliar step for you. You don't know if or where anything will lead. It is a time to get a feel of these new experiences.  You need to be as comfortable and relaxed as much as you can. Just be yourself and say what you feel comfortable with.

 

For me personally, I don't write about it in my profile but if a widowed option is available in the status I do choose it. I tend to bring it up in conversation before we meet. Mostly because I want to get of bit of their history as well. If they were married, how long etc. I feel that if it's a deal breaker for them, better to know before a meet.

 

All I know for sure is I'm still trying to figure out all this dating stuff post widow hood! Just know, you are not alone and we are here, and we get it!

 

[Sugarbell]

I think it all Deoends on how you feel and view it.

 

My first few years-I said widow ....when dating, with people (hell even on my FB status)...

 

The past few years-I leave everything blank. When I briefly did online I think I had it blank or single. And I was upfront once I started chatting...but I worded it as "My kids father/late husband died when they were very young".

Never said widow-Not that you shouldn't...just at that stage....I didn't identify as a widow in my daily life.

 

Guess it just depends on how you view yourself now. I am all for being upfront with people. And if you meet and don't really mesh with him don't tell hiim

 

Honestly.....everyday men and women don't give much thought to stairs of "widowed" or "divorced" or whatever. I learned that we tend to overthink and worry about it and how they will feel. In reality--most people don't give it much thought.

[Jess]

I have no advice for your question, but I did want to say this is an exciting step! I hope you keep us posted on however it may turn out.

[Quixote]

Not dating, but it can be a bit weird in just day to day social encounters. I don't have kids, so it's not apparent that I was married. After folks get to know me, though, there's that inevitable moment after I mention my wife that they get this puzzled look and ask me if I'm married.  And then I explain and get that awkward "oh I'm so sorry!"  Honestly, people just do t know how to react--  but then again, I can't blame them. Four years and I still haven't figured it out, either

[Bunny]

I didn't have to deal with this romantically, since my boyfriend is someone I've known a long time. I do know several widows who choose to not bring it up that much because they just don't wanna go there- for whatever reason, but I'm too much of an over-sharer to be able to do that. I did have to teach myself to add the 'late' to husband when talking about him because I realized (after it happened a couple times) that saying husband and boyfriend in the same conversation could get confusing for the other person. Then I'd have to awkwardly explain husband was now dead and it did feel more like 'dropping a bomb' into the conversation.

 

It's a simple way of letting people know your status without making it the focus; when you're ready, just share an anecdote about 'my late husband' into the flow of the conversation, without any kind of fanfare. Sometimes people will ask further questions, sometimes they don't. (And it's amazing how many young widows you can meet this way...)

 

It's taken me Time and Practice to be so matter-of-fact about my widowhood. And it's just made my life easier to be able to mention it in passing without feeling overly emotional. Sometimes I have to keep the conversation flowing as I see them digesting the information, but the calmer I am about it, the easier it is for the listener. And me.

 

I know this is a very big step for you. Maybe just try to think of it as 'practice' and not put any pressure on yourself about the outcome....good luck! I will be sending you lots of good thoughts...

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

Mixed feelings. It's nobody's business on a dating site, or someone you haven't yet met in person, info on your private status.

For the first meeting, I wouldn't offer info unless asked.

It's not about who you were with. You ARE single, as well as widowed.

It's an introduction, see how it goes.

Just be yourself. Who knows, you may/ may not like him, anyway.

[MrsDan]

Widowhood seems a rather large part of our lives not to mention relatively quickly - even on a first date.  I'm not picking on you specifically but I've never understood the unwillingness some widows have of bringing up the topic.

 

Serpico, I don't fully understand it either but that mindset is out there but since I have no experience with this I thought some others might have some insight as to why that is. I sort of figured if marital status came up I would tell, hoping it would come up in a meeting rather than a message. When I said I don't plan on telling him at our first meeting, I mean more like I don't plan on opening with it. If it's a deal breaker I'd rather know sooner than later. I guess I also figured people would be more willing to shut someone down because of it when still communicating online. Because online, I feel like people have a tendency to view things as a checklist, because really they can pick and choose what they want. Smoker? No way? Kids? No thanks. And they limit themselves that way I think.

 

Jess, if it goes badly we will never speak of this again!

 

 

[Trying]

Mrs Dan I think you will know when it's right to bring it up.  In a profile it's totally not necessary.  I personally wouldn't meet someone in person without knowing their marital status because you hear about still married or people who ar only seperated looking for hookups. If this guy hasn't asked then you aren't with holding anything.  We all come at dating from different perspectives, do what you need to do to feel comfortable.

[serpico]

^^^ You make great points.  I guess I just never conceived that widowhood could be a deal-breaker, but I suppose some could see it that way.  Good luck.

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

I've met widows, on a dating site. Not proud that I even admitted I did online dating (I felt I lowered myself at one point), to even being on them. What does it matter whether one is widowed, divorced, never married, as long as they are #1 single, and 2, available to date. You are meeting someone, there's no rulebook saying you have to spend the rest of your life with this person, let alone a second date. Honestly some of the first meetings never led to a second because a few never stopped talking about their passed husbands, and I knew they weren't ready (to meet someone new). After a while, I didn't even post I was widowed. It opened up messaging like, did you get an insurance policy, you're not over Her yet, etc.

I am a private person, and feel no need to justify my "status"

Does one ask, well how many times were you married ?, or do you still contact your ex ?

Nobody's business on a public online sight, but my own. The rest will come in time.

Why worry about it ?

 

Widow(er)s in my opinion have it ALL over someone who has ex(es), tumbling out of the closet.

This was my rule. If I didn't feel comfortable, and felt I was'nt relaxed (or having a pleasant time), and sat wondering well how many other guys has she told this too ? .. I politely called it a night.

It wasn't a pleasant experience and time to move on. There are plenty (now), single people in the world. Getting to be a huge majority. It must tell something, about present long term relationships. If I can't find someone to share good ( no, GREAT) times, I would rather do my own thing.

[Captains wife]

Dating post widow, I didnt bring it up at the very beginning unless the guy asked me about divorce etc or husband (I also have a child and that was in my profile). The only reason I didnt tend to bring it up first is that I found I talked about DH "too much" once I started and I also didnt want to be, like, "Hi, Im a widow" right up front, like it defined who I was. But I do think its important to get it into the conversation relatively early on.

 

I will say that I got mixed reactions when I told guys about my widow status and part of that helped me determine who I subsequently dated. ie. the guy that responded "I wish my ex wife was dead" was left in the dust, another bolted for the hills as he didnt like the single mother idea BUT others I could tell were really sorry about it and understanding. That said alot about these men right up front. Wishing you all the best.....

[RobFTC]

I have always had my status in my dating profile.  I had someone not read that once, and I had to tell them on the first meeting, and hated it enough that I would probably always let people know no later than in a message prior to first meeting.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Guaruj]

MrsDan, I'm haven't yet started dating since Catherine died, so I don't think I can give you much advice. I do hope you enjoy meeting this guy.

 

When do you let them know you are widowed?

 

I agree with everyone who said "sooner is better".

 

Personally, I consider the fact that you're widowed to be a big "plus". I know I'm not the only widower who feels that way.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[Forgottenwife]

MrsDan - don't forget to have fun! Dating is supposed to be fun so relax, your story will come out in time.

 

I never made an extra effort to tell anyone I dated, it just naturally came out. I dated a man who clearly liked me but he wanted a woman that would sleepover, as a solo parent I was not available for sleepovers and that led to a conversation of why my kids didn't spend time with their Dad on the weekends or whatever. It turns out, he wasn't interested in seeing a woman that parented 100% of the time, and that is ok. I also dated a man that was telling a story about co-parenting with his ex-wife and he eventually asked 'How about you, do you get along with your ex?' It was a natural part of the conversation for me to give a brief explanation - I don't have an ex. I learned a lot about him in the way he handled that conversation. Most people are immediately apologetic and sorry for assuming. The buttheads that say they wish their ex was dead? Or some other dumb crap? Just leave, your time is valuable, spend it with decent people. These things let me weed out the nice men, and there are so many nice men out there.

 

Really, relax and have a wonderful time. Wear something comfortable that you look really hot in. Dan is a part of you, and genuine and kind men will eventually get the honor of knowing your story. I know it is hard because we think about it all the time and dating or spending time with a potential love interest stirs up all these feelings. If a man is nice, and you feel comfortable, and you may want to see him again, the words will happen.

 

Don't forget to enjoy yourself! Have a fun night out!

[Guest TooSoon]

MrsD, I just out with it.  Still.  Even today I was at a thrift store and the clerk asked me about my last name (there are a lot of immigrants in our town with my same, married, last name) and I had to explain but its no biggie anymore. 

 

Maybe it is just me but I cannot withhold it.  Its part of who we are, M and me.  And I am NOT DIVORCED.  For some reason this distinction remains important to me, not in romantic situations but in life in general. 

 

I still tell my students, pretty much on the first day; why, I am not sure.  It is such a huge part of me now and my perspective on the world and the way I exist in it that it would feel disingenuous not to out with it.  It informs the way I teach and I want them to understand why. 

 

I figure, anyone who has an issue with it isn't someone I want in my life.  But I'm a little forthright that way.

 

Agree with above.  Hope you can enjoy it however you decide to deal with the relationship status part. 

[Portside]

I don't understand why this is a troubling issue.

 

I put my widower status in my profile. It may have even been in the first sentence. I didn't bare my complete life history there but I thought my widower status to be rather important. It wasn't who I was but it was a big event in my life that impacted everything around me for a time.

 

During the dozens of dates I went on, no one ever mentioned it in a poor light.

 

Is it different for widowed men than that of a widowed woman?

 

Best wishes - Mike

[Guaruj]

Maybe it is just me but I cannot withhold it.  Its part of who we are, M and me.  And I am NOT DIVORCED.  For some reason this distinction remains important to me, not in romantic situations but in life in general. 

 

I absolutely agree with this. Widowhood is NOT divorce. I never wanted this to happen, but I am still proud to be Catherine's widower. I will remain her widower even if I should remarry.

 

I figure, anyone who has an issue with it isn't someone I want in my life.

 

Again, I cannot agree more.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[MrsDan]

 

Is it different for widowed men than that of a widowed woman?

 

 

 

In a word, yes. Women are more frequently the targets of predators. There are a lot or weirdos out there, looking to take advantage of women sexually or financially. It's very likely that a widow might be perceived as emotionally vulnerable and therefore easy prey for a con man to target. So I don't advertise it. I would want someone to express genuine interest in me first, rather than open the possibility of someone just interested in my perceived vulnerability.

 

Thank you for all your responses. I feel better prepared, lol.