lcoxwell Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Lately, I have been really contemplating look2thesky's question from a while back which asked, "When did you know you were beyond active grieving?" and have been thinking quite a bit about my own grieving process. After I passed the one year anniversary of Kenneth's death, about 6 months ago, the grieving that I have been experiencing has been slowly shifting. I've been wondering if maybe, possibly, I was finally reaching the point where I could say that I, too, was "beyond active grieving". I've been wavering on the edge for a while, now, but knew I wasn't quite ready to make the leap to this part of the board. This weekend, I had trouble sleeping. As I lay in the bed, with thoughts racing through my mind, it suddenly occurred to me that I wasn't actively grieving the loss of my beloved Kenneth, anymore. The symbolic gesture that was made a month ago, when I walked out of my old house, leaving behind the things that were "his" and "ours" (in order to start a new life), was also the stepping stone I needed to cross over that nebulous line between "active grieving" and "beyond active grieving". While I realize that triggers can pop up at any moment (which could cause the waves of grief to come crashing down over my head again), my focus is now on the future, and on the life I plan to build with my New Guy, rather than on looking back and focusing on the life I once had, and can never get back. I will never "get over" losing my Kenneth. I will never stop missing him. I will never stop loving him. But, I can move forward and enjoy the life I have in front of me. I can carry the love he had for me in my heart, knowing he loved me until his dying breath, without it crippling me or breaking me. He taught me just how short and precious life can be and to appreciate each and every moment. I can look back on the life I had with him and know that I had a good life; and I can look forward and know that I am ready to fully live and to wholly love again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I love your post. I remember when DH first died, I kept thinking I wanted to somehow become him. It was one of those insane early days thoughts that make you feel like you're really lost it and are never going to snap back to reality. Now, I realize, it's the goal - to love them and honor them by taking into yourself their best qualities, continuing to admire them and emulate them, and re-engaging with life, feeling again, seeing beauty again. For me, leaving active grieving was about crossing that line between the living and the dead - for so long, I'd felt like I was hanging out as close to him as possible, trying to not be among the living. Finally, I felt alive again, despite at times not wanting to - coming back into the land of the living. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mawidow Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Mizpah, I could have written your words, but could not have articulated it as well. I was so struck by how much I wanted to become him in those early months. I just needed to be the vehicle of his love. You said it perfectly. Now, I still feel like death is with me all the time, but not in a way that reduces my life force but in a way that increases it. Sending support to all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lcoxwell Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 Mizpah, I love your post and how you managed to speak so many of the thoughts I have had, but didn't have the words to say. I think I would agree that I simply just feel alive again. And mawidow, the next to last line of your post really and truly resonated with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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