Is it grief or just shyness?

[Quixote]

It's been a little over four years since I lost my wife to cancer.  I know we all have our own timelines, but honestly, I'm beginning to wonder what is wrong with me.  I haven't so much as tried to meet another woman, much less gone on a date.  The closest I got was dinner with a friend a few months back.  She even thanked me and gave me a hug afterwards, then texted me in the evening.  Maybe that was a date.  Not sure, but honestly didn't feel the "spark" so never pursued it.

 

So maybe I'm not ready yet.  But then again, we married young, right out of college.  And we never really dated.  Long story, roof literally collapsed on us and we decided to get married.  No, really.  Terribly romantic but not very practical to expect it to happen again.  So my dating background is really a couple of awkward high school experiences, one steady girlfriend (not my future wife) during my sophomore year, and the occasional cup of coffee that never went anywhere. 

 

Flash forward two decades and a half, and here I am.  So I'm trying to figure out if my lack of a romantic life is due to me still grieving (and I do, very much so), or just a complete cluelessness about how to go about asking someone out.

 

Not sure if there was a question there or if I'm just doing a bit of online soul baring

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

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[Guest oneoftwo]

Hi Quixote-

I'm in a similar situation, it's been a while and I did go get a meal with a friend- things could have sparked.. but no.

I dont know, I so miss being someone's "one to go to".

I also wonder at this stage how I possibly could handle all that goes with it, since they will have all this other stuff (life, relatives, traditions) and I'd have to mush that in to my pretty quiet at the moment but very full life.

After over 5 years, I am beginning to come to terms with the fact he is not here anymore (well , with tears as I type this).

But I do know I might also be able to enjoy someone else's company- how on earth that might happen I have no idea

= same boat

 

 

[Quixote]

I think I was pretty correct on the "no spark" thing because the lady in question is now going out with my horse's trainer (also a woman) and planning on moving in together.  Yep, my life the soap opera.  Hey, they seem happy and they're both good friends.

 

And yeah, first "date" post loss and it's with a closeted lesbian--  maybe a coincidence, but more likely a sign that I really didn't feel up to a potential relationship.

 

OneOf, I hear you so loud and clear.  It's this feeling of wanting to be with someone, but honestly, it's my wife I miss.  I can imagine being with someone else, but like you say, it seems like a heck of a lot of stuff to deal with unless you know for certain that "this is the (second) one!"  And that's pretty heavy criteria for a first date

 

Hell, not even sure HOW to ask someone out anymore.  Last time I did that, there was no internet and cell phones were only owned by the kind of guys who drove BMWs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[momtokam]

Quixote, don't fret too much about that dinner with your friend. Maybe it was just dinner and not a date. She didn't try to kiss you, right?

 

As far as "the one", yes very heavy criteria for a first date. When I started thinking about dating I had these feelings as well. I had to let that feeling go. I realized I had to go in with a much more relaxed attitude.

 

As far as asking someone out? Try, and you will find out if you are ready.

 

Sometimes we learn we are ready and sometimes we learn we are not.

If we don't try, we might never know.

 

[Quixote]

Don't want to make too much out of a single dinner.  It was more like a feeling of "sheesh, I'm really not ready, am I?" 

 

Seriously have no idea how to ask anyone out.  It feels kind of stilted.  I prefer agonizing over someone for a year or so, while she secretly does the same, then having a natural disaster toss us into each other's laps whereupon we declare undying love for each other.  Worked last time, except for the stupid obligatory tragic ending. 

 

I guess where my head is at is missing having someone close who I can share life with.  And it's been long enough that I'm actually okay with it being someone who isn't my wife.  But it hasn't been long enough that I'm comfortable with casual dating.  Kind of silly, but I've got this feeling that seeing someone else is almost unfaithful--  so it had better be someone special.  Clearly something I need to move past if I'm going to have a normal life.  I'm just not ready to check into a monastery.

[Guaruj]

I haven't started dating yet myself since Catherine died. Also, I have never done any online dating. I do have some experience dating as an adult in my late 30's and early 40's, though. I assume you're not looking to simply get laid; I'm not the person to ask about that.

 

The closest I got was dinner with a friend a few months back.  She even thanked me and gave me a hug afterwards, then texted me in the evening.  Maybe that was a date.  Not sure, but honestly didn't feel the "spark" so never pursued it.

 

Sounds like a good time to me, and that she likes you.

Would you consider taking her out to dinner again?

If not, would you consider introducing her to me?

 

So I'm trying to figure out if my lack of a romantic life is due to me still grieving (and I do, very much so), or just a complete cluelessness about how to go about asking someone out.

 

What I don't hear you mention is any women that you actually feel attracted to. Can't you think of any right now? Maybe you should work on meeting some women that you like.

 

Try making new friends - both men and women - in real life. Join some clubs and try some volunteer activities until you find one or two places where you feel you belong. When you're happy and busy, it's much easier to meet someone who's interested in you.

 

If you find yourself interested in someone, I suggest that you do not procrastinate on asking her out. If you become baselessly infatuated with her, then you're more likely to seem too eager or needy around her. Instead, I suggest you find an private moment to directly ask her if you could call her sometime (this can be the most nerve-wracking part). If she says "yes", get her number, but don't call her until you have a specific plan - where, when and what - for a first date. Of course, you still need to be flexible about this, so it's good to have alternatives, too. If she turns you down, make sure you have someone else in mind to ask out instead.

 

Of course, this advice assumes that you, as a man, are expected to take the initiatives and greater risks in dating. It took me a very long time to realize that, despite claims of changing times, most women still prefer men to play that role. There may be some who describe this attitude as old-fashioned, chauvinistic or some other kind of pejorative. If you get such unforgiving feedback you get for your thoughtful efforts, find someone else to ask out - she's not worth the trouble.

 

Again, this is the best advice I have for dating women in real life. Online dating is an alternate universe that I have yet to boldly go.

 

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[twistedmensa]

 

Seriously have no idea how to ask anyone out.  It feels kind of stilted.  I prefer agonizing over someone for a year or so, while she secretly does the same, then having a natural disaster toss us into each other's laps whereupon we declare undying love for each other.  Worked last time, except for the stupid obligatory tragic ending. 

 

That's how I operate...lol. With my husband, I saw him and decided that's what I wanted. Just had to figure out a way to get him. We used to joke that I stalked him....and he liked it! When we moved to Florida, we joked that I was taking him to there to die...and then he did. Maybe I should stop joking...lol.

 

Never did play the dating game very much. Don't really have the desire to start now.

 

But then, I really prefer to live a cave-like existence....so maybe you shouldn't listen to me. :-X

[BrokenHeart2]

Gauruja, in my opinion not chauvinistic at all. I couldn't imagine asking a man out and I feel for you men having to do that. I'll never say never that I wouldn't do it but never have, I'm way to shy.  Mind you I was with DH for 25 yrs and I'm a lot older now

Quixote, why would you think there is something wrong with you?  Are you reading about others dating on an earlier timeline?  We all have our own grief and timeline. You stated 'you could imagine being with someone else' well maybe you just haven't met her yet and when you do I bet that spark will be there.  It's almost 2.5 yrs for me and DHs friend told me the other day he'd like to take me to dinner.  I've been a mess for a couple of days just imagining going out with someone other than DH. He didn't even set a date it was more of a heads up and it had me reeling with my reality.  This sure can be a complicated journey!

Hugs

[Trying]

What if you started with seeking out situations where you can meet new people, men and women, not a pickup situation but some shared interest. There are Meet Up groups, church groups, adult education classes, clubs, etc.  find something your interested in that might give you exposure to new people in a natural setting without pressure.  Then you can see if you meet anyone that sparks an interest or just an opportunity to practice talking to women in a casual way.  This might help you figure out if you really want to date or not.  I don't think anyone should ever force themselves to date just because they think they should. 

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. There is no "normal" and no rule book.

[BrokenHeart2]

Great advice Trying!  Wish there were meet ups in my area.  I'm joining the eu her club at the local church in the fall.  At least I'll get out Friday nights and I love to play euchre.  Believe it or not, I will. Be out of my comfort zone, but hopefully for not too long

[Guest mawidow]

Online dating is the way of the world in these parts, so that is where I started. I had not dated in 20 years and am not an extrovert. Agreed that men do the majority of the asking, and it never went well when I asked first - it was considered highly suspect. Sigh.

 

I didn't know if I wanted to be in a relationship, but I wanted to have dinner with a grownup and talk about something besides bereavement.

 

You need never put pressure on yourself to be 'over it' before you go out with someone. We had an irrevocable loss. The new life can be built without severing or editing out our feelings about the old one. However, it's a good idea to think of things you can talk about, stories you can tell, that give your date a sense of you as a person, not you guys as a couple. This took a lot of self-searching for me but was really valuable. Sending support.

[Guaruj]

Gauruja, in my opinion not chauvinistic at all.

 

Thank you saying so. I did my best to be concise when I wrote that last night, but then I spent today wondering if my comments were so intense as to seem harsh. I'm not encouraging other men to be hard-nosed about asking a woman out. Because her response can either be "yes" or "no", it's important to be prepared for disappointment without being crushed by it.

 

It doesn't happen often, but some people can be jerks when you try perhaps a little too hard to be nice to them. That's why it's important to ask her out before you become too infatuated.

 

I couldn't imagine asking a man out and I feel for you men having to do that.

 

It actually isn't that bad once you realize that women (usually) like it when men they like ask them out in a nice way. For me, most of the anxiety comes with that first step - asking her (in person) for her phone number. I'm sure it's hard for women to nicely turn down a decent guy who she's not interested in.

 

I'll never say never that I wouldn't do it but never have, I'm way to shy.

 

I don't recall any women who tried set up a true first date with me. I guess I would be flattered if someone did, but I'd still want to pay for dinner! That's just the way I am.

 

I can remember one or two who befriended me and might have hoped I would take the next step. As Quixote pointed out, it's so much easier in college for two people to transition from casual socializing to dating in the same day.

 

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[Guaruj]

Quixote, I don't know how I missed this post yesterday, but I did:

 

Seriously have no idea how to ask anyone out.  It feels kind of stilted.  I prefer agonizing over someone for a year or so, while she secretly does the same, then having a natural disaster toss us into each other's laps whereupon we declare undying love for each other.

 

I also did this far too many times. I believe your use of absurd metaphor acknowledges that one gets nowhere this way. I admired so many women from afar, but none of them became actual girlfriends to me. So don't waste too much of your life doing that. If you find yourself liking a woman, let her know that by asking her out. That's the only way to learn whether she deserves all that admiration.

 

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[Quixote]

Quixote, I don't know how I missed this post yesterday, but I did:

 

Seriously have no idea how to ask anyone out.  It feels kind of stilted.  I prefer agonizing over someone for a year or so, while she secretly does the same, then having a natural disaster toss us into each other's laps whereupon we declare undying love for each other.

 

I also did this far too many times. I believe your use of absurd metaphor acknowledges that one gets nowhere this way. I admired so many women from afar, but none of them became actual girlfriends to me. So don't waste too much of your life doing that. If you find yourself liking a woman, let her know that by asking her out. That's the only way to learn whether she deserves all that admiration.

 

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Not an absurd metaphor.  That's actually how I met my wife.  Not kidding.  But I also recognize that waiting for that Hollywood moment again isn't particularly productive.

 

Funny thing is, I'm surrounded by women.  My main hobby is riding horses and I'm frequently the only man around other than the stablehands..  I'm a pilot by trade, and while most of us are guys, the FAs are mostly women.  So, it's not like I spend my days at the local tractor pull and bait shop, wondering where the girls are.

 

You're right.  I have to ask.  The question is...do I want to?  I haven't answered that one yet.  If I'm not ready, that's cool.  Maybe I'll be someday.  But if I am, and I'm just not making the proverbial move out of social anxiety, then that's something to work on.