Aspergers young adult

[Guest running with scissors]

I have a 20 year old son living with me.  We do not get along.  He has had problems all through school,  forever it seems.  We have been through all kinds of therapy but nothing has really helped.  It is getting worse every day.  He is in college but hasn't a friend in the world.  He blames me and his (dead) father for all his problems.  I can't live with him any longer.  I have tried, I have done all I could do to help him, but he doesn't want to accept that he has Asperger's  He won't do anything to try and help himself..  He refuses to get help, I have offered to go with him, whatever it takes, but he won't even listen, telling me he has no problems.  He is very angry and loud, he demands I do things for him.  He knows how to cook and do his wash, but he is very lazy and he thinks I should do everything for him.

I hate to say this but I want him out of the house.  He won't budge.  I don't want to bring the police into this but I may have to.  It's his last year of school and I would like him to finish, but what can I do?  He won't get a job, how will he make it on his own.  He takes the train to school, I will not let him use my car.  He has no respect for others things.

We have no family, it is the two of us.  I have no help and suffer from extreme anxiety and I just don't know how I can deal with this any longer, I would appreciate any thoughts and advice.  Thank you for reading.

 

Edit to add, my heart breaks for him, I know he is lonely and still reeling from his dad dying,  I know he's in pain, we both are, its so sad, I would do anything for him, but its so hard, he is angry and bitter most of the time.

[singinmomo4]

I am so sorry to hear about this RWS.  I have a 13 year old with Aspergers.  The best thing that every happened for him is when I managed to get him into a school in the area that is for kids like him, The Vanguard School, in Malvern, PA, on the public school's dime.  He has improved so much in the 1 year he's been there. 

 

One resource that might be helpful though is Asperger Experts.  They are 2 young men (20's) with Aspergers, who give advice on how to help those with Aspergers.  I bought one of their tape sets and that has given me access to a private FB group of parents that has also been helpful and often, the two young men that run it will comment as well as parents.  Also there are a few adults in the group that have Aspergers that offer help.  Check them out here:

 

http://www.aspergerexperts.com/

 

 

 

[Bluebird]

I understand a little of your plight and frustrations RWS. My sister is single Mom to my 12 year old niece with Aspergers, and they are visiting with us now. I am getting a big insight to the challenges, personal exhaustion and frustration she lives with every day. I am very concerned both for my niece and for my sister. One thing I have realized is that my sister needs the support of other adults. We talked last night and she broke down. RWS, since you have no family, I hope you do consider the group singinmomo4 suggested...you need to share your worries with people that understand.

 

Singinmomo4, I am going to pass on this info to my sister if she seems ready for it. Thank you.

 

Take care, Bluebird

[Guest running with scissors]

Thanks singinmomo4 and  Bluebird.    The main thing is my son refuses to admit that he has Asperger's.  He was tested years ago and we were told he was on the very low end, if I remember correctly. He will not go for any more counseling, he won't talk with me.  He says nothing is wrong with him and its others who cause all his problems.  I am at my wits end.  He fights with everyone, has no friends, cant be criticized or if you suggest how to do something he jumps down your throat saying I know what to do, what do you think I am an idiot! . 

It is like walking on egg shells around him.  I can not have him meet friends of mine as he will get into it with them if they say something he perceives as a put down or insult.  He gets good grades in school, but that is the most positive thing I can say about him at this time.  He has me so worn out, I can't take much more of it.  He is a not a little kid, he is 20 but acts so immature at times.  I need to find a way to get him out on his own but when I mention it it is a constant battle and at times he scares me.  I will look into the link and I just want to say thank you both for understanding.

 

[Bear Tomás]

I'm so sorry, RWS. Don't give up on your boy.

 

My son 27 year old has never been officially diagnosed but I am sure he has Aspergers. He flunked out of college twice and the police academy once because of it. He works now in the garden center of a huge home improvement place and is doing great. I will get him official diagnosed even though he is adult just because maybe there is some kind of help out there for him. It is tough. My son goes to work and then spends all his free time playing video games. The concept of friendship or maintaining friendships is foreign to him. I am fearful of his future. Hopefully, my girls will let him live in their basement.  :-\

[Trying]

I am sorry for your struggles with your son.with the high incidence of kids on the autism spectrum, our society has not put in place adequate support for parents and for adolescents transitioning into adulthood and beyond.  If he is not willing to accept help I'm not sure how much you can do.  Can you give him a timeline to pick an option for getting out of your house? Are there group home options?  I'm sure your heart is broken as a mom and I can hear your pain and emotional exhaustion in your post.  I have no answers but think that reaching out to other parents or adults who live with Aspergers is probably your best resource. Sending you virtual support.

[singinmomo4]

RWS, what you are describing sounds like what the two young men I spoke of refer to as "defense mode" and they say you need to get your child out of defense mode before they will be receptive to anything.  They have a DVD just on that one aspect.  I hope you are able to find some information that helps you. 

 

Also, one thing I explain to my son is, having Aspergers doesn't mean there is something "wrong" with him.  Everyone has their issues and "quirks" and we all have to learn how to learn to navigate life based on our own individual issues.  He still is very negative about himself but he's getting better. 

 

(((((RWS))))))

[hachi]

As a mother of a young (25yo) adult with a mental illness, I agree with singingmom04 that one of the best things you can do for yourself is find a support group. I found mine through NAMI, and it changed my life. My journey began when my son was about 17 and for years I struggled with doubt, frustration, fear and all of the other things that go along with living with MI for years until I found my local chapter.

 

https://www.nami.org