So it is just like a scar that others can't see?

[THATgurl]

I sincerely don't get it.  Not at all. Long story short - my grandmother passed away.  That is not my point.  My point is I guess kind of long-winded. 

 

So - grandma passes away = family gathering.  At some point in the family gathering, my mother brought up the fact that she and I had "happened upon" a dead person.  Weird?  Yeah.  I apparently am an asshat and spouted off by saying "who 'happens upon' three dead bodies?" I clarified that most people pass on in a hospital or peacefully at home, so no one is "happening upon" them.

 

So, like a dullard, I bring up the topic.  My cousin (wonderful woman) says "where did you happen upon all these bodies?"

 

I say "well, I happened upon a homeless gentleman in SLC that froze to death, then mom and I happened upon that guy in the car."

 

In my mind, we are clear.  Me, three "happenings".  NOPE.  They all need to hear about "happening upon" A and then there is the awkward.

 

So here is my question I guess - it is always a fact and a thing, but others "forget" and then "remember" and then we get to relive?  IDK...

[THATgurl]

On a side note, my sister (who is nearing 50) saw that i held my grandmother's hand.  On our second visit to the open casket, she held my grandmother's hand.  It was clearly upsetting for her.  Later, she said "it was not like a fake person, it felt like touching a dead person". 

 

I guess my question is "WHAT?"  Those of you who know me know I am not making lite of anything.  I am trying to process and understand.  Any help on my road to processing and understanding would be great.

[Needytoo]

Guess my only response to this is "it is what it is" and I am sorry that your cousin didn't clue in a little sooner.  Off course this experience was odd but maybe if we just open up and accept things maybe the pain will not be as bad?  But seriously what do I know? 

 

 

[klim]

I think "reliving" will always be part of our lives, whether it is privately in our heads or outloud with those that forget.

 

As far as your sisters statement... she was right .......and perhaps it was all she could process after being a little freaked out........but then again I have no insite into this 

[THATgurl]

Upon reflection, I think my response to my sister is what is problematic.  I kind of get that.  (I did not SAY anything I regret, more talking thoughts in my head and probably nonverbals). 

 

In terms of others "forgetting" one of the defining points in my life - I get that too.  I guess I just don't always know how to respond to that reality.  All we can do is do better tomorrow.

[THATgurl]

OK so reviewing my last post, I am realizing that maybe some people would disagree with my thinking that "happening upon" him should be a defining point in my life. Maybe this is somewhat a stumbling block for me?

 

I would most appreciate anyone's thoughts on that one.  In particular, I would like to hear from people who view things in a different way.  I won't name names   I would much appreciate your thoughts.

[Forgottenwife]

Oh THATgurl, this post really speaks to me.

 

I can just speak for myself, yes, it is just like a scar that others can't see. Interesting, because I carry it with me, every day, all the time. And I am happy to report that I am well, I have rebuilt my life. I have joy and a job I enjoy and I function way better than I ever thought I would in the moments and days that turned into weeks after I found my husband deceased in our home.

 

So many things can take me back there, I am grateful now that the reliving is not as trauma inducing as the first couple of years. That was bad, I would shake and feel my heart racing, I think I even had a weird taste in my mouth. If I look objectively at it, its interesting how the body remembers trauma, the same physical sensations come forward. Subjectively? It sucks. The remembering. And then I deal with it and go on breathing and living.

 

Always a fact. Always a thing. Its there, just now part of the many things that are me. The birth of each of my children, defining points. No one would question that I suppose so why would we disagree/wonder about finding a dead person? The moment I laid eyes upon my Chapter 2, defining point. All my points are mine alone. 

 

So, if people disagree with your thinking that "happening upon" your deceased husband should be a defining point in your life? Ok. But, the defining points in your life are yours - whether you chose your points or they happened around you or happened to you or however the points made their way into your life. I know you asked for people that view things differently, I can't share that with you. Happening upon my dead husband is a defining point in my life too. I suspect it always will be.

 

Grateful you shared this with all of us - the places and people I can share these things with shrink each year (oh man, did I say year? ugh.) Thank you THATgurl.