I am sick and tired of this.....just over it all

[Guest DebW]

I hate my new life, it sucks and I just see it stretching interminably ahead of me, a big vast nothingness,

I am tired of feeling permanently exhausted, of being a grumpy bitch and not being able to be a good mum to my kids. I'm sick of having to do every little thing for everybody else, of knowing if I don't do it nobody will. Of the daily drudge of housework, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping and not being able to keep on top of it. I'm scared when I look around my house at all the maintenance and half finished jobs that my husband started and didn't finish. I'm tired of going to work and putting on my happy face, of people asking how are you but not really waiting for a real answer, of everyone saying oh you're so amazing/brave/doing so well. I'm not bloody doing well I'm just trying to survive. I hate not having another adult to turn to for advice, I feel paralysed by my indecisiveness and don't trust my judgement or abilities. I'm sick of being told I'm a mean mother on a daily basis, of being hated when I'm trying my best but it's just not good enough. And especially I hate being told to 'make time for yourself' what a joke. I'm over this.

[Trying]

Deb I just wanted to tell you that your post brings me right back to those early months, really to the first year and a half.  Grieving is exhausting and having to keep going through the motions of life, working, raising kids, paying bills, maintaining a house all alone when you already are beaten down, feels near impossible.

 

Some practical advice, for what it's worth, is to figure out what things you can afford to pay someone else to do, do it! Lawn care or house cleaning, handyman.  Grocery delivery service. Just some ideas.  The other is ask for help.  I still have a very hard time with this but if you have family or friends who have offered in the past, call them up and tell them what you need help with.

 

When I had no energy to be a fun or engaged mom, I found a funny TV show that my youngest son and I could watch on the couch together, snuggle and laugh (for us, I put Jimmy Fallon on the DVR every night).  It was our time to connect in a small way every night after dinner and all I could manage for a while.

 

You may not believe this now but it does get better.  You will get more energy, you will learn to manage things that had been your husbands responsibilities, you will give your kids more responsibilities, you will change your standards on what has to be done and let go of some things.  You will still have days that are overwhelming and everything sucks but it won't be all day and every day.  You will realize that you do need time for yourself.  A 15 minute walk, a soak in the tub, get a manicure, an exercise class or an art class.  Something just for you.  You need to recharge in even small little ways.  I remember feeling like you that I would never get 5 minutes to myself again and that I wouldn't even know what to do if I did.

 

Most of all, be kind to yourself.  You are not a bitch or a mean mom, you are a grieving widow trying to do the job of 2 people while at your lowest point.  You are human, not superhuman.

 

[Jen]

I just want to put a big DITTO under TS's post. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

[Mr C]

Deb, just wanted to send you (((HUGS))) and support. Yes, this grief is exhausting, but it does get better. Year one was so much about survival. Part of that survival was to give myself a break, not stress out about getting everything done, and being o.k. with those days when practically nothing got done.

 

[canadiangirl]

DebW, I could have written the same post, word for word.  Yes, at almost 2 years out, people telling me to "make time for yourself" still makes me want to pull a Chewbacca, unless the person saying it is also inviting my child over for a playdate to make that space for me.  I guess it's important to consider "time for yourself" in terms of small and manageable actions, like sitting in the backyard for a minute after the kids are in bed.  "Me time" in soundbites! Part of what's stalling my progress is that because of full-time work, childcare and house/admin/financial responsibilities, it feels like there is never time to properly mourn - I think it's a key difference between losing your spouse later in life according to the more usual order of things, and what we are experiencing.  Maybe others get this.  Please keep sharing - we get it.