Making excuses for being widowed ?

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Thanks for your responses

[Captains wife]

Oh yes, I get it. In my current relationship, I don't have that specific problem, I can talk about my dead husband as much as I want and he doesn't feel "threatened" by my past marriage (although I don't really bring up my DH that much anymore). Sometimes, though, the grief issue does get in the way and he takes it personally.

 

HOWEVER, I have met men in my dating past that were "threatened" by my widow status, for a few reasons. I was told that their biggest worry was that I wouldn't be able to "get over" my ex and move on; or how could they compete with someone I was potentially still in love with? Also, since I have a young son, they were worried about having to be a "daddy" figure.

 

I think there is some insecurity on the part of some men since we didn't go down this relationship route by choice (i.e. like in a divorce). But they also need to understand that it is possible to move on after the death of a spouse and love again. Its not a competition, its a new phase of our lives. While in the past I have made statements to make guys feel more secure about moving on (i.e. explain what it is like to be a widow), I also realized I don't want to be with someone who cant accept my widow status as it is.  I agree that I hear about the ex wives MUCH MORE than I bring up my DH.

 

I know its frustrating, maybe if this is an issue you are facing you can talk frankly to this person about being ready and wanting to move on ? Maybe this person just needs a bit more educating ? If they are too adamant about your inability to move on, well that's your choice and not theirs.....

 

Wishing you all the best - none of this is easy.

 

 

[Guest TalksToAngels]

M

[Jess]

Also, sorry i could not decide whether this belonged in the social section, but it applies to being currently in a relationship, but questioning the status, now.

 

I am not qualified to have an informed opinion about your post, but wanted to say the Relationships board is a perfectly good place to pose your question. Sometimes I think there will be a bit of a gray area between Social and Relationships, but I guess that also mirrors life. As you were.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Thank You Jess.

[anniegirl]

Ppl who've never known someone widowed (other than maybe a grandparent) seem to get a lot of their information about us from movies, television and books, which tend to stereotype us and the way we are supposed to feel about our situation and act when dating again.

 

I am remarried to a widower, but I did date a bit before I met him and I found that either men didn't seem to give my widow status much thought at all or they tended to look at me as either broken and in need of rescue or - oddly - a good catch b/c I was "proven".

 

Stereotypes abound in dating. Never marrieds face odd prejudices as do divorced, so stands to reason we will too.

 

The only thing to do really is just remind potential dates and new love interests that you are a real person and not a character from a made for tv Christmas movie (because they teem with widowed characters it seems) and when a cliche arises, squash it. If you weren't ready/didn't want to date and build a new life with someone else, you wouldn't be doing it, right?

 

There's no need to pretend or make excuses for being an adult whose lived life as opposed to be a Barbie doll fresh from the packaging and the up side of not coddling ppl is that it's a great way to weed out keepers from throw backs.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Thank you AG.

[anniegirl]

It's not generally true, but I have noticed that people who have trouble wrapping their minds around the concept that others have pasts too seem to think there are blank slates in the world just waiting to be discovered. I think they have trouble with relationships regardless, and it's not widow specific.

 

If you want to date, date. Don't let "what if's" put you off.

 

Just remember that dates are just dates. Not commitments. And you are free to take a pass on anyone at any point for any reason.

[Guest nonesuch]

I have noticed that people who have trouble wrapping their minds around the concept that others have pasts too seem to think there are blank slates in the world just waiting to be discovered.

 

I saw a profile while I was actively dating. The man said something to the effect of "We all have pasts.  I don't want to hear about yours."  Mmmkay, I don't want to date someone who can turn his feelings on and off like a faucet. 

 

I've met  non-widows who ought to be taking time to examine what went wrong in their relationships before they enter another one.  Is anyone judging them? (aside from me?) I believe there's more of those people walking around than widows and widowers.  Given the statistics, actually, there have to be.

 

 

 

 

 

[anniegirl]

"We all have pasts.  I don't want to hear about yours."

 

Just a guess but that reads to me like a guy who was tired of dates that turned into counseling sessions. I can relate.

 

Nearly every guy I met while on the dating sites was divorced and I heard more than I cared to about the issues leading up to the divorce and the on-going drama since.

 

Yes, we have pasts and yes, they will come up but when they make up the bulk of dinner conversations (or any conversation), you are not really dating, are you? Dating should be about getting to know more about a person than just the trauma and turmoil, imo.

 

When my husband and I started dating, we explored a lot more than our mutual grief. In fact, grief was rather quickly shelved as a topic b/c there was so much more to talk about and discover.

 

The other thing to remember about dating sites is that some people are just there to date for fun. They are necessarily looking for much depth. Which is good to know up front.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Thank you for all your responses.