Captains wife

I’m on my own this weekend as my son is at his grandmothers. So today I a) set up an outside projector and screen in my son’s new playhouse. b) finished weeding the backyard garden. c) worked on finding help for my son’s at home schooling.

Ugh - I’m starting to look again at online dating since my post widow relationship didn’t work out. I was aggressively jumping into online dating a few years ago...now I just don’t want to go through this online game playing again. Maybe older and wiser....Guess that also means I’m not ready yet. Especially during COVID! Do people wear masks on their dates? And guys demand kisses in the middle of an epidemic? Ugh

Thanks Tybec for sharing. I can relate. I do think the difficulty is exacerbated by being a widow. I read a really interesting article in the Guardian a while back (wish I had saved the link) about how blending relationships often fail - esp if only one person is divorced- because the new partner’s needs are continually ignored and as humans we all have needs. Certainly my son too has needs - not just his. The successful blended families are those where the parents can openly talk about difficult issues, and collectively come to some mutually agreeable plans with regards to exes and the children. Of course there has to be compromise (usually moreso by the new partner) but I believe it can’t be all one-sided. I wish everyone the best who are also dealing with this in their post widow relationships.

Tybec- could you please send this to the guy I’ve been dating? Lol He parents out of divorce guilt with very limited discipline and limited boundaries with ex. It creates a lot of issues in our relationship. He doesn’t want to take my input, to understand my point of view on how his divorce drama makes me feel (although I’m always supporting him/his son through the divorce drama) or talk about tough topics related to our relationship, parenting. Instead of working as a team, he just does what he wants and my son and I have always been coming last in priority in recent months. We are in the criticizing and avoiding stage unfortunately now as a result. You will likely see me in the dating section soon unfortunately. Just taking some downtime now 😢.hope everyone else is doing well...

Similar feelings here...I am with you Sugarbell. There is a small piece of me that Longs for that togetherness I felt when I was married but I’m realistic about my current conditions.

Great post - I did have some guilt about this a while ago as I’ve given up my workouts amongst other things that needed to get done. But recently I’m just trying to get through each day given my heavy work schedule and homeschooling an 8 yr old at the same time! And making sure we have enough food and other items. And I don’t feel guilty about the rest- I do feel like I’m in full on day by day survival mode right now : )

Abitlost - my bf (of a few years) and I are social distancing...seems weird. His ex and his son and his mother are part of his current COVID social circle. I’m social distancing apart with my son and parents. It makes me realize who my “real family” is in these stressed times and while it feels weird to be stuck at home all day, it just reminds me of my early widow days where it was just my son and I against the world...just like now. And I’m honestly ok with it.

Im so so sorry Bunny...going through losing someone you love from cancer once is quite enough but I think why twice (for you). Honestly it’s not fair even if it is life. I also look at the world differently and am stronger after losing a husband suddenly and raising a baby alone. Nothing surprises me any more. But the crying is a way of your body dealing with heavy stress and sadness as you are going through now. Even though you are being very strong right now - for you and your boyfriend. I also hope that you and your boyfriend have many more years together.

Lisa best, I am so sorry - at 2 years out, it was still very tough for me....Im doing much better now (at 8 years) but I remember what 2 years felt like. Take comfort in your kids, seek outside support (You are not alone! We are here). I too also found myself re-evaluating my life - and took a few new turns that I probably wouldn't have as a widow. Be good to yourself and wish you all the best. This is NOT an easy path but we need to trudge through it to get to a better place.

We live in a small town where there are very few single moms - and Ive also had a hard time connecting. I am sorry that divorce situations are hard and their own kind of loss but I get tired of listening to mums who complain about their significant other and vice versa. I also notice a lot of the married moms don't actively include my son and I - a lot of them they are friendly but all their friends are married. Plus added to that I am a single, slightly older working mum with a quirky(but great) child so its very hard to find people that identify. It took us a while and I kept working at it but I do now have a few mums I can text for playdates etc (single and not single). I also have a few widow single mums who I am friends with - and I wish they lived closer! keep working at it - and looking for those connections. Even if you don't have a really close friendship with the mum, your children can develop friendships through it. Also are there are any widow groups in your area? that might be a way to make a connection.

1. Working at home today and feeling ready for a big presentation. 2. Taking “me” some time this week to think about next steps for my relationship. 3. Keeping to my new diet- woo hoo!

I understand these writings.....very much. You have so much on your plate with 4 kids and a business.....as many of us have found, its hard to recouple especially when life is so busy. Almost 8 years here and Im only raising one child but its been tough with my work and child and living out in the suburbs. I have a decent social life but find myself wanting to stay home more and hang with my son and focus on work. My personal life, in terms of recoupling, has not been what I would call successful. But I am thankful to be in a better place than I used to be and happy that my son are happy together, despite our loss. BTW - You are doing a great job with your kids - hugs to you.

Im so thankful we are all here to support each other - we have been reading each other's stories (sometimes) for years. It is a place, even almost 8 years on, I come back to - to get support but also to support others. Tybec - honestly, good for you for recognizing that you can care about someone but when you aren't being treated as you want/need it is important to move forward. Break-ups are super tough (Ive been through one since being widowed and may be on the brink of another one) but you come out stronger on the other side, more sure about what you want. And, as you noted, it is NOTHING compared losing a partner/parent. Wishing you all the best,

Yeah! Congrats!! So happy for you..we’ve been on this board for about the same time period and I’m really pleased about this announcement : )

Excellent news ! Wishing you all the best as you continue to move forward. I'm so happy to see you are both doing the work and communicating.

Thank you all for the interesting discussion and thoughts...it’s a difficult situation when you are in a relationship with a man who is wonderful in many ways and your kids really bond - yet there is so much drama/noise. He IS very afraid his ex will try and take his son away (she pulled some very awful moves before and during the divorce) which is a key problem - but I also think he adds fuel to the fire by his actions which creates a very negative feedback loop between them. I actually call him out on some of his actions sometimes, in favor of his ex! I agree with tybec that if wounds are not healed, they will bleed on you. Ive been encouraging him, his son (and also for him to go with his ex for coparenting) into therapy - it’s more than I can or want to deal with. Bunny - I was trying to be patient at first and I was very communicative about my concerns/issues (so proud of myself as I’m usually quite passive aggressive) but I’m admittedly tired of being the one setting the boundaries and certain things not changing. I also, like you mentioned, cannot stand their childish behaviour and how their behaviour is negatively impacting their son . I’ve taken on some “toddler like” reinforcement actions - which honestly he seems to get more than having a conversation. But I’m honestly getting tired of dealing with this and listening to myself too - complaining about his issues and how they interfere in our relationship. I’ve asked for certain things to change and while I see some improvement, there are certain behaviours that are upsetting me. As I’m sure you all would agree with - issues can build up over time and then resentment can then really build. I think I need to be more proactive about really thinking about what I want and what is best my son and I for the long term! I might have to admit to myself that some of these issues with NG might never change given the personalities involved and while I’m ok with living seperately etc and I can deal (and have gotten more comfortable) with certain situations with his ex and their coparenting (since it’s best for their son) I’m not ok being in a relationship with continued drama/noise (which he isn’t taking active responsibility for improving) and coming behind his family, ex, son etc over and over. Thank you all again for letting me vent and this discussion!

Wow!!! That’s awful. Yes...keep with the no contact. Stay strong!!!

Thanks - appreciate the response. My concern was more than he might want to get to heaven sooner to see his Dad.....not that he will see his Dad one day. I'm certainly ok if he believes that they will reunite in Heaven later in life (when hes much older!)

Um arneal - not ok for ex to ride in the family limo....but good for you taking the high road during such a time! I feel I have put up with a lot with my NG and his ex (in trying to think whats best for their son)and I really try and take the high road but it grates on me after a while. I know its nice for their son to have both parents there all the time but cant I have some time that's "ours" ? At least a day? Its such a different dynamic when she's in the picture given her "bad energy". This interference including texting and calling when she knows we are together really is bugging me. I would be more respectful of space and boundaries. At least she doesn't turn up regularly lol! (only once when we were skiing...)

Agreed ! I do think there is a competition. Most of my town are married couples and believe me most events, appts are only attended by one parent. Its so weird. Good luck and patience to us all!

Thanks Arneal - wow, just wow re: your experience. My NG and his ex go to EVERYTHING relating to their son (separately but they are both there) e.g. Scouts, dentist, all games, sports practices, school meetings, school dances/events, some parties, Dr etc etc. My NG cant stand that he is not in the picture all the time with this son. I do all these activities alone, literally. Is that fair to my son and I ? Not sure how to think about it. Part of me understands and part of me is resentful. Shouldn't there be some boundaries when divorced people date new people - unless it was urgent, I would consider it rude to text, call my ex when I know he is with his new partner. I think its insane they both need to be at things like the dentist, all practices etc. but maybe that's my widow issue. And maybe that makes sense since their son is only 9? But it still seems crazy to me and its keeping me in the middle zone, especially as these two fight all the time. Its so stressful to listen to them talk to each other and deal with things. PS - thanks Trying2 breathe - he's been divorced for almost 2 years now. I keep trying to understand and set boundaries (and that's annoying in itself as he should be doing this) but I don't know...he doesn't have the same view as me, clearly. He grew up in a blended family (I didn't) so he sees no real issues here - he says he gets it but since he wants to be actively involved with his son, he understands his ex does too. I also think she is trying in her own way to intervene in a negative way - I don't think she cares so much about her ex dating but I think she is resentful that the 4 of us have a lot of fun while she is on her own.

I wanted to know what others thought about talking to kids about Heaven as I'm struggling a bit (without starting a religious debate please). I'm not terribly religious although I want to revisit my faith at some point (I grew up Quaker). But I felt after my son's father passed away and he was old enough to talk to about it that I told him his Dad was in heaven (and in a way was watching over us and his spirit was "with" us). I didn't go into details but wanted to provide some comfort for my son by telling him this and I also followed what the self-help books mentioned when telling young kids about heaven - e.g. you need to be clear its not a place that Dad can come back from (like a trip). I told him that since Ive never been there I don't know what its like but I imagine its a wonderful place and somewhere where his Dad was very happy and able to enjoy what he loves (although he misses us). Last night, he (who is under 10 years of age) mentioned that he wasn't worried about going to heaven since it was a place where he could do what he wants (e.g. no homework) and he misses his Dad and wants to see him in Heaven.....(He has really been missing his Dad recently). My heart sank. I tried to explain your whole body isn't in Heaven but its more like your spirit and when you die, your body really stops working and everyone on Earth really misses you and once you leave Earth you are gone forever so I explained none of his friends and family want his to go to Heaven any time soon as its so permanent and I would be heart broken. I explained to him that although every one of us will die at some point that we want to be on this wonderful Earth for as long as we can and try and be as happy as we can and live a good life. I'm not sure I'm handling this well - any advice, thoughts about how to explain this to my son? Or any comments on how you handled it? Thank you

Trying2breathe - I completely understand your last paragraph statement. I empathize as we have to deal with (I think) a fair amount of divorce drama. I have to admit I'm super confused how to date a divorced guy. So I feel I will be in this middle zone of dating vs. re-coupling for a long time. I also don't want the ex drama and issues in my space, especially since my son and I are in a pretty good place considering so I'm also "no" on moving in and getting married. How do others deal with this? How does anyone deal with dating someone with an ex constantly in the picture? I admit we should be grown up and mature (blah blah blah) but when you trying to just have some time together as a new couple with kids, how can you bond if the ex is interrupting continually? My NG's ex calls regularly when I am with NG and his son - even though each parent (who doesn't have the boy) has an evening call every day! Like on NYs, his mother talked to him on NYs eve and then was texting again and calling (several times) first thing in the morning to say Happy New Year (although she had the usual call later that day planned). When we were in NYC 2 weeks ago, she was calling and texting because she hears a lot of sirens in the town?! Then when she is on the phone, she is rather snarky or they start arguing via text (while I sit there or in the next room) and then he may start to vent to me about things. I find it stressful to listen to and it impact the dynamics. My NG and I maybe get together with our kids once every 2-4 weeks, so cant we have 24 hours on our own? Is it too much to ask? NG doesn't seem to understand or get it, despite my rationally explaining. Its not like the son is asking to speak to the parent or saying he misses them?! I do EVERYTHING and handle almost EVERYTHING on my own.....Do others (who are dating divorced partners) have the same issue where the EX seems to be in the picture a fair amount? Is that what is holding others back in the "budding vs fully commited" zone? I get it for the big picture items (like school events, games, birthdays) but aren't divorced parents supposed to handle certain things by themselves? (Sorry, rant over...)

For me, it will be 8 years as of 2020...I almost cant believe it. I had a baby at home when my husband suddenly died and I am a working mother and had moved to a town where I didn't know anyone and my immediate family lives in another country. Its amazing how far many of us have come....myself, I transformed from being a very angry widow (who felt at times she was losing her mind) and who struggled with single parenting and her son's issues, then dating and having some bad relationships (where in hindsight I put up with too much) to being someone who has become really strong and I love being a mother (even though its hard on my own). I set boundaries with people (including the guy I'm dating) and I focus on my son and I leading generally happy lives despite all the crap we have been through. Im amazed how much I can juggle for one person!! I also maintain a relationship with my ex-in laws so they can see my son on a regular basis. I still have growing (and improving) to do but for the past few years, I felt I have a much better handle on my grief and single parenting. Have been able to focus more at work and have been doing well there as well. Devoted a lot of time to developing my own new social circle, through dating but also establishing new male and female friendships and I am happy I put the effort into this. I still miss DH too (especially recently again) and my son and I talk about him regularly, but in a positive light and I am so impressed how well my son has adapted and how he handles our less than optimal situation.

RyanAmysMom - good for you that you see now it wasn't a good fit. Moving on is really really hard but you also don't want to be in something long-term if there are key underlying issues. Its very good that you two talked and I wish you all the best moving forward!