Bizarre and Odd things happening.

[br0peth]

I posted this to my Facebook page. I have been having some weird things.  Also writing to her a lot lately has been helping me.  I hope someone finds comfort in this.

 

I have been hanging out is Psalms lately. Its been a month since Sheila was taken from me. I must have cried for 2 life times. Last week it snapped. I stopped crying. I felt utter peace. I felt Sheila telling me to move on. How?

 

I prayed for very specific things the week prior. Very detailed things so I know if there was a inkling of any truth to it I would know. I prayed so much over the years and heard nothing, or at least I didn't know without a shadow of a doubt. For 10 years I have struggled with my faith. Why? Cause I really didn't have any. This past week a very specific prayer was answered in a way that Is still very bizarre. To the point I still look back of the specific events of it and can't shake the Sheila has something to do with it. How would this happen if? Especially when the details of the new found prayer have very specific things about it that only Sheila would know? This last month I have completely change my view of how I view my faith. I am complete and fully trusting God that he has my back. Why? Cause he answered my prayer. I still have no answers other than I will not question the path I have been put on. I am healed.

 

For the last 24 years of my life my wife was my everything. I lived my life to the fullest through her. We have 2 beautiful kids that are the sweetest kids in the world when they are not annoying the hell out of each other. Everyone who has watched them on some capacity loves them. How easy they are. How respectful they are. During this time of growing up with her I completely changed into a different person of who I was. A former shell of a screwed up kid with no guidance, morals or goals in my teenage years. Sheila helped me grow up. I will forever be in debt to her.

 

Sheila's cancer fucked us up. It fucked us up so bad that I had some extreme guilt I was dealing with that I thought it was me this whole time why things were the way they were. The last 5 years was nothing but surgeries, doctor visits and illness. Fuck you cancer. I took some massive soul searching to find out that it wasn't. I look at her pictures now and talk to her she is in front of me. I don't cry anymore. I talk to her a she is living next to me. Even got mad at her the other day about my answered prayers. "How dare you do this to me right now!" , "Is this really happening right now?" "Are you really there?"

 

How is that that my prayer was answered with some very specific details?

 

I had problems sensing her. I long to sense her in the room with me. Hoping that I could maybe feel her getting into bed with me. Or that ODD sensation of when you can feel someone in the room when you don't have to look. Funny thing I was talking to her picture the other day and was hoping the picture would wink back to me. Yea I know.. lol

 

I'll be honest with you. I pretty good these days. I miss Sheila. But I had 24 awesome years with her. So many memories. The last 5 years I would like to forget though. Maybe in some way It was mentally preparing me for some thing. I don't know. All I know is that this sucks. Like my friend Janine told me. Turn the pain into power and that's what I intend to do. I'll honor Sheila in everything I do. She shaped me into the man I became.

 

[Catnip]

Awesome!!

[br0peth]

Today's post.

 

?Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.?

― Isaac Asimov

 

What can I say. I'm having a pretty good week. The sadness seeps in every once in a while. But quickly goes. I look at Sheila's pictures and smile now. Amazed I was with her for so long and could have so many memories.

 

I'm mainly sad about the old Dan. The old Dan died too. New Dan has a beard now. New Dan may grow his metal hair out again. New Dan may get all the tattoos he wanted (Shh don't tell she). I got so comfortable with old Dan that his change is hard. Sheila and I got so comfortable with each over the years. ITs hard to let go old Dan. I miss old Dan.

 

I sat outside at lunch today. Let the sun shine on my face and taking notice of the wind. Did some thinking about the events this past month. What a nice day today. I just wish I had my own personal mountain to look at. My own personal blizzard to marvel at today. My heart was beating for Sheila a long time and I changed so much for her. She was my one and only and wanted her proud of me. I hope she saw that. I would do anything and everything for her and I did.

 

It's amazing who comes into your life at a time of grief. People I never thought possible. Affirmations of prayer. I truly believe that now that its who you let in to your life at times of pain that can help you. That person that extends their hand to you to pull you out of the darkest of valleys. A person you can share your story with that understands even though you never met in person. The internet is full of demons but also filled with angels. I am in debt to you. You are helping me heal. I will never forgot what you have done for me. Odd how all this happened. You didn't know who I was. You didn't look for anything in return. You stepped into my wife's shoes to help me find some closure. You have given me a sense of worth. You have given me something I cant repay. You have given me peace. Thanks Sheila for sending me help.

 

The nice thing is I feel at complete peace. That feeling of love again for my late wife other than sadness. I miss her everyday. But I know she is watching me and that is why I sing now. My heart is slowly filling back up. The scar that's left will make me a stronger person.

 

Music is my Achilles heal. It also has been helping me give a sort of temporary peace. Music is so powerful. I always wondered why I would tear up when I hear songs I love. Anyone going through something in their life find some music to speak to you. IT does help.

 

"Temporary Peace"

 

Deep inside the silence

Staring out upon the sea

The waves washing over

Half forgotten memories

Deep within the moment

Laughter floats upon the breeze

Rising and falling dying down within me

 

And I swear I never knew how it could be

And all this time all I had inside was what I couldn't see

I swear I never knew how it could be

All the waves washing over all that hurts inside of me

 

Beyond this beautiful horizon

Lies a dream for you and I

This tranquil scene is still unbroken by the rumors in the sky

But there's a storm closing in

Voices crying on the wind

This serenade is growing colder breaks my soul that tries to sing

And there's so many, many thoughts

When I try to go to sleep

But with you I start to feel a sort of temporary peace

 

There's a drift in and out

 

[lcoxwell]

I have always been a strong believer in the power of prayer, and have found that prayer has been instrumental in my ability to put one foot in front of the other on a daily basis. There will be good days and bad, all along the way; but, I hope that you continue to find peace.