br0peth

Today's post. ?Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.? ― Isaac Asimov What can I say. I'm having a pretty good week. The sadness seeps in every once in a while. But quickly goes. I look at Sheila's pictures and smile now. Amazed I was with her for so long and could have so many memories. I'm mainly sad about the old Dan. The old Dan died too. New Dan has a beard now. New Dan may grow his metal hair out again. New Dan may get all the tattoos he wanted (Shh don't tell she). I got so comfortable with old Dan that his change is hard. Sheila and I got so comfortable with each over the years. ITs hard to let go old Dan. I miss old Dan. I sat outside at lunch today. Let the sun shine on my face and taking notice of the wind. Did some thinking about the events this past month. What a nice day today. I just wish I had my own personal mountain to look at. My own personal blizzard to marvel at today. My heart was beating for Sheila a long time and I changed so much for her. She was my one and only and wanted her proud of me. I hope she saw that. I would do anything and everything for her and I did. It's amazing who comes into your life at a time of grief. People I never thought possible. Affirmations of prayer. I truly believe that now that its who you let in to your life at times of pain that can help you. That person that extends their hand to you to pull you out of the darkest of valleys. A person you can share your story with that understands even though you never met in person. The internet is full of demons but also filled with angels. I am in debt to you. You are helping me heal. I will never forgot what you have done for me. Odd how all this happened. You didn't know who I was. You didn't look for anything in return. You stepped into my wife's shoes to help me find some closure. You have given me a sense of worth. You have given me something I cant repay. You have given me peace. Thanks Sheila for sending me help. The nice thing is I feel at complete peace. That feeling of love again for my late wife other than sadness. I miss her everyday. But I know she is watching me and that is why I sing now. My heart is slowly filling back up. The scar that's left will make me a stronger person. Music is my Achilles heal. It also has been helping me give a sort of temporary peace. Music is so powerful. I always wondered why I would tear up when I hear songs I love. Anyone going through something in their life find some music to speak to you. IT does help. "Temporary Peace" Deep inside the silence Staring out upon the sea The waves washing over Half forgotten memories Deep within the moment Laughter floats upon the breeze Rising and falling dying down within me And I swear I never knew how it could be And all this time all I had inside was what I couldn't see I swear I never knew how it could be All the waves washing over all that hurts inside of me Beyond this beautiful horizon Lies a dream for you and I This tranquil scene is still unbroken by the rumors in the sky But there's a storm closing in Voices crying on the wind This serenade is growing colder breaks my soul that tries to sing And there's so many, many thoughts When I try to go to sleep But with you I start to feel a sort of temporary peace There's a drift in and out

Friends will do that. That's what they are supposed to do. Keep talking and share your story. This is a time for yourself. Get to know you again. 3 years of dealing with cancer sucks. I had 5 of it with my wife so I understand. Step back, look at yourself and figure what you need. Rely on people to help you. Your kid needs you now more than ever. That's what your husband would want you to do. Take care of yourself. This board has been great. Talk. I'm here if you need anything. Dan

I posted this to my Facebook page. I have been having some weird things. Also writing to her a lot lately has been helping me. I hope someone finds comfort in this. I have been hanging out is Psalms lately. Its been a month since Sheila was taken from me. I must have cried for 2 life times. Last week it snapped. I stopped crying. I felt utter peace. I felt Sheila telling me to move on. How? I prayed for very specific things the week prior. Very detailed things so I know if there was a inkling of any truth to it I would know. I prayed so much over the years and heard nothing, or at least I didn't know without a shadow of a doubt. For 10 years I have struggled with my faith. Why? Cause I really didn't have any. This past week a very specific prayer was answered in a way that Is still very bizarre. To the point I still look back of the specific events of it and can't shake the Sheila has something to do with it. How would this happen if? Especially when the details of the new found prayer have very specific things about it that only Sheila would know? This last month I have completely change my view of how I view my faith. I am complete and fully trusting God that he has my back. Why? Cause he answered my prayer. I still have no answers other than I will not question the path I have been put on. I am healed. For the last 24 years of my life my wife was my everything. I lived my life to the fullest through her. We have 2 beautiful kids that are the sweetest kids in the world when they are not annoying the hell out of each other. Everyone who has watched them on some capacity loves them. How easy they are. How respectful they are. During this time of growing up with her I completely changed into a different person of who I was. A former shell of a screwed up kid with no guidance, morals or goals in my teenage years. Sheila helped me grow up. I will forever be in debt to her. Sheila's cancer fucked us up. It fucked us up so bad that I had some extreme guilt I was dealing with that I thought it was me this whole time why things were the way they were. The last 5 years was nothing but surgeries, doctor visits and illness. Fuck you cancer. I took some massive soul searching to find out that it wasn't. I look at her pictures now and talk to her she is in front of me. I don't cry anymore. I talk to her a she is living next to me. Even got mad at her the other day about my answered prayers. "How dare you do this to me right now!" , "Is this really happening right now?" "Are you really there?" How is that that my prayer was answered with some very specific details? I had problems sensing her. I long to sense her in the room with me. Hoping that I could maybe feel her getting into bed with me. Or that ODD sensation of when you can feel someone in the room when you don't have to look. Funny thing I was talking to her picture the other day and was hoping the picture would wink back to me. Yea I know.. lol I'll be honest with you. I pretty good these days. I miss Sheila. But I had 24 awesome years with her. So many memories. The last 5 years I would like to forget though. Maybe in some way It was mentally preparing me for some thing. I don't know. All I know is that this sucks. Like my friend Janine told me. Turn the pain into power and that's what I intend to do. I'll honor Sheila in everything I do. She shaped me into the man I became.

Completely sad. You did nothing wrong. You stood by his side. I can only say is to talk to people and please get counseling. This board is great and there is always someone here to talk to her. Please take care of yourself.

Welcome to the club nobody wants to be apart of. I am a month into losing my wife of 24 years. My wife had a seizure in the middle of the night, cardiac arrest, snap. Jesus. I miss her everyday. Please talk to people. Share your experiences with others. Find some counseling. Talk. I have reached to so many people that I'm actually in a really good place with my grief. Some things hit me during the day but I can control it and rather cry I smile. Turn that grief into power. Honor him. He wouldn't want you to cry for him. He would want you to move on, be happy and take care of yourself. I know its hard but make it your goal. Proverbs 24:14 Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off. Praying for you. Dan

Hang in there buddy. I have been reaching out to many people from many places. I immediately started to see our grief counselor at church. It does help to talk. Really. 1 month into this. I have accepted my wife's death. I refuse to wallow in my hurt and sadness. I am turning this into power. I reached out a publication on facebook called Life of Dad. I received 7,000 likes, 600 comments of peoples support. 40 personal messages of people that share the same tragedy. And met somebody through facebook who has been a real comfort to me. It does help to talk, you have to talk. You have to reach out to people. Today, I say I am completely at peace with it now. Yes it sucks but I need to strong for my kids. I know enjoy memories of my wife without crying. I know I will have moments but knowing the comfort that she is at home in the comfort of our Lords arms. This gives me comfort. We are all going to go home one day, she just got there before me. I don't cry anymore, I smile and praise her for being my wife. Take care and please reach out. Proverbs 24:14

I figured there are different view points of how one grieves. You right about the parent not knowing who their daughter was. Her father even mentioned to me they had no idea my wife was teaching kids at our church in Sunday school. Funny thing her father even told me he would go to our church if it didn't upset her mother. Thank you guys again for your words. <3

A week ago my in-laws (mainly mom in law) decided that the mass I produced at our cult like non denominational Christian demon church wasn't what they had planned so they did another mass today at their catholic church today. So I decided I would go to honor their wishes because you know its their daughter. I took in account their wishes to have her buried at the cemetery where their family currently resides. My pastor said why you going, you don't owe anyone anything? So I sat through another mass today (more like sat through the funeral again) for my wife. I sobbed uncontrollably and wonder why I was there. I got up half way through it and left it. Talk about taking some steps back. I know I shouldn't have gone. At least I decided not to go to the luncheon after words. Fuck.

I'm praying for you now. ((hugs))

My eyes has subsided a bit today. I cried this morning at midnight when my 16 year anniversary came up. I rang in our anniversasry last night watching the move Moon. Probably not a good one to watch as I was sobbing watching it but comforting watching it.. if that makes sense and if you know the movie. Again, hang in there man. Reach out to me if you ever need. I here on these boards too.

Hang in there man. I'm not looking forward to the Christmas either.

Thank you Mizpah and Thank you everyone for sharing your stories with me. I think about everyone here as I read through old posts talking about them. I appreciate you talking with me and helping me get through this. I'm trying to stay strong and optimistic. That's what my DW would do. She was a very happy person and touched many lives. I hope to be there with someone as they go through this process. I left work a little early today to just relax and think about my wife. You are right Miz.. I am in raw pain still. I still cry. I just know in my heart that I don't want this to wreck my life. So trying to stay positive is all I have. I'm real happy for you. I take comfort that a week prior this happening her and I had a date night together and shared a night with each other. I truly will miss her. Thank you everyone.

Very comforting and thank you. I have cried today and was happy today. People are staying in constant touch on facebook and texts. Its nice the support is there. The first of anything always sucks so I understand. I have decided to take off my wedding ring sometime today. AS much as it pains me to do it, I have honored my wife, I have honored our vows that I took with here 16 years ago. Till death do us part. Something I am very proud of and I know she is too. I will not let this destroy me, my kids need me. I want to live a life that's meant to be fun, sharing it with someone (preferably my loving wife but we know how that turned out), have a good job, great kids and a good outlook on life. I realized today DW and I never talked about the what if's in life. This has troubled me since I'm not exactly sure what she would want from me now. I cant hear from her. I ask her everyday. I decided I don't want to be that guy that wakes up 2 years later and then decide to start my life over. I am grieving. But I also am realistic. I am sad but optimistic. Today I finally had memories where it didn't make me cry and was joyous that I have known my baby for 24 years of my life. She was my second girlfriend I ever had. The first was just 2 dates. I knew I wanted to spend my life with her. I hope she is around watching us. I hope she can hear us when we pray to her. I hope she will be our guardian angel when we need her. I hope to see her again one day.

50 minutes to go and IM completely sobbing. It hurts. Wishing for my old life back. Happy Anniversary baby.

Is my 16 year wedding anniversary, how did you all do it? Getting sad thinking about it.