How to reply to in-laws?

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Dear Widda Community,

 

I would love your advice on what to do next.

 

My husband died 10 months ago after an 8 month battle with cancer. With the exception of some visits from my mother when I've had to travel for work (she was also here often during the illness and came for 2 weeks after he died, she lives 3000 miles away), and a trip to visit my aunt in Europe, my 5yr old and I have coped alone.

 

I haven't wanted it to be that way. My husbands mother and siblings, who are not local but at least on the same coast, were in denial about his impending death and too distraught to help towards the end or immediately following. At least that is my explanation for their paralysis and subsequent disappearance.

 

Over the summer, I came close to a nervous breakdown. I had been unable to find permanent childcare that my distraught child would tolerate (wouldn?t let me out of sight), I have a full rewarding career and wanted to get back to work (I dropped everything to care for my husband) and...I wanted a fucking break.  I don't have to explain to any of you how hard everything is.

 

I wrote to DH's siblings asking if they could take my child for a week over the summer. His brother's family and I used to be close, and they have grown children, so I reached out to him first. I never heard from him. His wife let me know that it was too painful for him to see us. I wrote to his sisters but they had varying conflicts. My MIL I did not want to burden because she had her own crisis. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer, her husband was diagnosed with Alzheimers. And they both went rapidly. By the time DH died, his dad didn't understand any of it. My MIL put him in a home and he also passed away in September.  So it?s been a double blow for DH?s family. I get that.

 

I realized that I'd been hoping, since the frantic, horrible last weeks of my husbands life, that eventually help would come. People talk about the 6 month slump when friends and family move on with their lives. For me, it was the realization that I was never going to have any more help. I know this family has been hit hard. I'm trying to be compassionate and understanding but?it hurts. I feel like they abandoned us and I can?t get past that feeling.

 

His family always seemed so loving and close and I was always impressed, the 18yrs we were together, of their bond. I?ve found all this so shocking but I've done my best to walk away. That hasn't been hard because we don't communicate. Until now.  DH's brother just sent an email as though nothing ever happened, giving us an update on his kid's college experiences and saying he is going to visit us in February.

 

What do I do? Do I try to bury this rock in my chest and accept whatever relationship he wants to have with his brother?s child? Or do I tell him how I feel and risk burning that bridge forever? I don?t trust them and have a worry that will they just abandon us again in the next crisis.

 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart

[Guaruj]

Hi Fern -

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all of this on top of losing your husband and dealing with your child's distress over that. I consider myself relatively fortunate in that I haven't run into any problems with my in-laws since my wife, Catherine, died 17 months ago.

 

His brother's family and I used to be close, and they have grown children, so I reached out to him first. I never heard from him. His wife let me know that it was too painful for him to see us.

 

[...]

 

DH's brother just sent an email as though nothing ever happened, giving us an update on his kid's college experiences and saying he is going to visit us in February. 

 

I have two questions:

[*]Was this message addressed specifically to you, or was this e-mail a "Christmas letter" to multiple friends and family members?

[*]Did your brother-in-law ask you whether he could visit in February, or did he simply presume you were available then?

I hope your brother-in-law is a better person than the impression I'm getting. You're busy caring for a small child on your own. This could very easily become an imposition on you.

 

What do I do? Do I try to bury this rock in my chest and accept whatever relationship he wants to have with his brother?s child? Or do I tell him how I feel and risk burning that bridge forever? I don?t trust them and have a worry that will they just abandon us again in the next crisis.

 

I believe you made the wise choice to think before you respond. It sounds like you aren't especially happy with the idea of seeing him. I hope you can find a resolution to this that makes you and your daughter happy. I wish I could say more than that right now.

[canadiangirl]

Fern, as we've discussed, our experiences with our in-laws have been quite similar. 

 

I've (very) gradually become resigned to the fact that if I want them to have a relationship with my child, I have to do all the work.  I never confronted them with my feelings of anger that they just were not there throughout his illness and in the years after his death- it would have been counter-productive - they actually thought the very few times they visited was a big contribution.  So I chose your option (a).  I did it as a way to continue to honour my DH, which pleases me, and so that my child has some kind of relationship with DH's family.  If I miss a call on a holiday, I shrug my shoulders and feel no guilt.  Interestingly, they were more engaged the 2nd year than the first, although still not coming to visit.  I never rely on them or believe any help from them will be forthcoming (and it hasn't been).  I speak of them to my child enough to ensure that my child remembers who they are. It is good for my child right now to feel connected, part of a larger circle that includes them. It took more than a year for me to let the anxiety and anger go.  Reading your situation, I think you could reasonably assume that they will not be there for you in the next crisis.  So is it worth it to you to pursue this relationship?  Only you can decide- hope it helps to have heard from someone who chose (a). 

 

I am so sorry that help is not on the way, nor is likely to ever be, from your in-laws.  You were not asking too much with your request they take your child for a week, and I can't believe your plea was ignored. My heart goes out to your distraught little one, and to you - I hope you are feeling better after a horrible summer.  Sorry for the long-winded me-me-me response, but our stories are similar, and I want you to know I really really get it.  ((Fern))

[Portside]

 

What do I do? Do I try to bury this rock in my chest and accept whatever relationship he wants to have with his brother?s child? Or do I tell him how I feel and risk burning that bridge forever?

 

Well, if you want to get through it with a minimum of fuss, just accept whatever is coming from them. Nothing you do can change what the in laws are going to do. You are obviously having a tough go of it. Given what you have written, so are the in laws.

 

We all get into trouble when we try to evaluate the level of pain others are going through. Perhaps they are doing the level best they can and your BIL truly couldn't bring himself to take your DD for even a week. From our point of view that may not seem like much of a burden. But we really don't know.

 

And too, some folks are buttheads. And there is just no changing that.

 

Best wishes and Merry Christmas - Mike

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thanks for the feedback everyone.

 

Guaruj?, the letter was personal and just to me, and it said "I think I'll come up the weekend of <datehere>, will you be around?" So it's kind a question, kind of an announcement.

 

[Guaruj]

Fern, it does sound like your brother-in-law is trying, even if you might feel like it's too little and too late. I agree with the others who advise you to move forward cautiously. I hope this brings improvement to your relationship with him and his family.

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[Julester3]

With their track record from the other post, I think with this new turn of events, you are going to have to compromise. Proceed with caution, hope for the best results, plan for the worst and try not to have expectations unless they follow through. Hopefully this will minimize disappointments for both you and your child when dealing with them. I think since their track record isn't very good since your husband passed, they have to make up for the hurt somehow before you could rely on them.