Portside

So sorry to hear of your situation. I think for most folks, emotions are all over the place for awhile. Each of us recovers at our own pace: some do fairly quickly, some do within a year or two, some longer, and some never do. I started moving back towards 'normal' rather quickly. So, you may be also - oh, there'll be ups and downs along the way, but if you feel pretty good much of the time, that's just fine. If I were to offer any advice, I'd say to push yourself to do whatever it is that you'd like to do. Be bold, strike out in new directions and seek out those things that please you. It isn't always easy, but it certainly can be done. Good luck! Mike

Steve - the easiest explanations many times hit the nail on the head: Maybe they are assholes. People can be odd in general. After the shock of an early death of a loved one, they can get even odder. Who knows? Sorry this is how it went down for you. Mike

I'm sure it is much more difficult for women than men on the dating sites. StillWidowed, I, of course, don't know what sites you are using but are there any specialized dating websites that cater to your interests or faith or?? ? You may have better luck.

Hang in there Avemaria - it may not seem like it right now, but the whole mess does get easier with the passage of time. One of my best friends told me after my wife died, and I was struggling like you, that all successful marriages end in death. Every. single. one. I know it sounds odd, but for some reason that gave me a small bit of comfort. Enough to try to hang on one more day. Also, consider prayers to Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton. She is the patron saint of grieving. https://www.learnreligions.com/saint-elizabeth-ann-seton-patron-grief-124224 Best wishes, Mike

Hi MCG - my wife died by her own hand after suffering for years of mental illness. I also had two sons at home (8 and 9) at the time of her death. I started dating after the shock wore off and I felt I was ready. I was mostly upfront to my dates but I didn't give much detail. Especially during the initial emails back and forth or on the first/second date. It's been a long time but I think I offered that I was widowed and my wife had been ill for a long, long time. Something like that. It was true but incomplete. I was, and am!, okay with that. That seemed to be enough information for most women when just starting out. I met a local woman and after a time, started dating her exclusively. We were then married a year or so later. I told her all the details after we decided to become a couple. For her at least, the circumstances surrounding my late wife's death were unimportant. Perhaps only offer small dribs and drabs of information at first. Have him fall in love with you and the kids by the contents of your heart alone without the 'baggage' (as you put it). If a guy is really interested in you as a long term partner, he'll accept the life experience you had before he met you. Dating isn't for sissies - but try not to be discouraged. Put yourself out there again and again if you need to. Mr. Right is out there - but it does take some looking. Good luck - Mike

Report that you saved NOTHING. No, SS doesn't check but don't say anything to anyone. If you report you saved any amount over the years, as you said, they can legally ask for it back. If they do clawback any funds, it is NOT distributed to the child of the deceased - it simply goes back into the SS 'pot' for everyone covered by SS. Thus, I repeat, say/report nothing.

Try not to think of the time as a caregiver as 'lost'. It was where many of us found ourselves at the stage of life. It was what we were supposed to be and do at that time. But now that it is over, you can be whoever you want to be. Maybe even especially if you don't know who you ever were or who you used to be. Try new things, new experiences, new views on everything. If you are doing it right, some paths will lead to dead ends. That's great! Next! You now know you don't like that particular path. Try more- try everything. You can be unlimited in what you are able to try. What an exciting time. Good luck Mike

Faye - you may not like Stephen's assumed personality but your words are an ad hominem attack which is specifically forbidden by the Code of Conduct. Additionally, the mods and owners of the site have long ago determined that you do not have to be a widow in the legal sense to post here. We accept boyfriends, girlfriends, common law spouses, gay and lesbian couples, anyone really, that feels lost and alone in lost relationship. We may disagree with that choice but it is the mods and site owners prerogative to choose to allow those posters.

"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." Karl Popper

Yes, most likely. All parents, whether they be married or remarried couples or single parents have these type of feelings when the kids move out and fully enter their own, separate adult lives. It's normal and natural but it sure gets you in the feels. It will be okay. We work hard to raise mature, independent children. Then, when they go and do it, there is that feeling of loss and it hurts. Perfectly normal. Best wishes - Mike

Patswife, this may sound harsh but honestly, it isn't meant to be. You knew they were a**holes long ago. The family continues to be even after a death. I know you were hoping for better from them but they weren't capable of it. It really is that simple. Sorry - Mike

Oh, I see - sorry. I also was concerned for one of my sons in that fashion. He grew up to be a fine, well adjusted young man but I certainly get your worry. When our children suffer, we suffer too. Best wishes, Mike

The way I informed my kids that their mother was dead was "Mommy's in heaven". It was very comforting for them as little guys - they were 8 and 9 at the time. I say go for it, if that is what you want to do. What is the harm if your son believes he will see his father in heaven anyway? Is that what upset you? For catholics, for example, the teaching is that the body is resurrected (literally). Even if we/they are wrong, so what?, it's heaven and all questions, problems, issues, etc. are resolved. We don't have to understand it on our terms to help a child with his understanding. Case in point - my neighbor kids; 8,6,4 and 2 just lost their grandmother. They come over to play all the time and the last time they were here, the 4 yo explained to me, very patiently, that gramma was in heaven and it was sad now because she is gone but "I'll see her again when I die" and that will be a happy day. Of course it would! It is a hard subject but honestly, I'd support your son's belief that he and his father will be reunited eventually. It will make him happy. Again, what would be the harm? In eighty years your son passes and gets to heaven and doesn't physically see his Dad. He's going to be p.o'd with you because you mislead him? Doubtful. Good luck! Mike

I'm all for anyone living in whatever situation works for them and their family. But what degree is healthy (for us) to allow our adult children to guide our own lives? I understand your youngest son has health issues - only you know what that means here. And that certainly must play into any decisions made. But that concerns me. I guess I'm saying - make sure you are weighing all the factors properly. We do our children no favors if we don't help them be independent. (And having them live with you slows that process down.) BUT - as I said, I don't know what degree your son's illness plays into your decisions. Good luck! Mike

As seems to be my habit, I will take a contrary view. Of course, you should reach out and let his children know he has passed. It has nothing at all to do with the money or lack of money he left them. He died, he's their father. You are, currently, the only way to let them know. You are correct that they missed out on the last 10 years of his life. It was their loss. We all here often talk about being the bigger person and to do the right thing. Someone mentioned potential problems up thread. Like what? Getting bitched at? So? The will is settled and done. But you are worried they will feel entitled - again, so. You cannot control what others think about any situation. They are going to to think what they think. Here's a little thought experiment: Okay, let's say they DO think they are entitled to something. Are they going to feel better or worse years later from now if they find out on their own and not from you? Their thoughts could run along the lines of "Well, that blankety blank women didn't even have the decency to let us know he died." Would they be more or less likely to mount a scorched earth legal action against you now or later? If you let them know or not? Letting them know is the right thing. I think deep down you know this. Good luck! Mike

StillWidowed, please help me out here. I'd like to more fully understand why this guy is a "No" to you. It does seem that he's a bit clumsy and coming on too fast for the second date locale - is that it? Or you didn't feel it was safe? Or asking by text? Thanks! Mike

Given the facts as you've presented them, I'm of the opinion that yes, you are being a bit selfish. If you want to continue to see other men, then break up with him, the sooner the better. Unless of course you both are very clear that you both can freely date others now, and it isn't an issue for either of you. To break up, all you have to say is "This isn't working out for me, I'm sorry." It's never painless for either party, but it is the right thing to do. Good luck, Mike

I'm sorry Arneal, I wasn't clear. Forget the stores - they are useless for unusual shipments. Do it totally online. The local store will not be involved at all if you have an oversized item or items wrapped on a pallet. It will be treated as a LTL shipment and you will deal with UPS freight dispatchers only. MUCH more professional than the stores guys. Good luck - Mike

Arneal, if you can palletize your stuff, UPS will pick up and deliver it to wherever. No need to take it to a UPS store. Go to their website, and drill down to "Find a Shipping Service" for details on the different types of shipping they do. They will pick up almost anything. I've used them to ship appliances and big machine tools - never with a problem. Good luck, Mike

OurTime is marketed towards those 50 and over but pretty much all of them have some feature that allows you to put limits on your age preferences. I did not use OurTime btw - I just have heard of it. Also, I might mention the fact that you have a 16yr old in your profile. Folks that are not interested in getting involved with a woman with minor children will generally not respond to that situation. And again, usually, that will be the older guys. I had great luck with a limited focus dating site - maybe look around and see if there are sites for you that are focused on your interests. It may help to cut down on guys that you wouldn't be interested in. I know this isn't what you are looking for but I went out with women plus or minus 15 years of my age at the time. Even though I certainly didn't match with every one, I learned something valuable from each of them and a number of them are still good friends. But that's just me. Good luck! Mike

"and hearing "I'm sorry for your loss"--it means nothing to me except you're trying to be polite and you don't actually know what to say, because your scared for your own future" Well, you could be right but how does anyone know this? If someone says "I'm sorry for your loss." one way of looking at it is they are sorry for our loss - nothing less. Perhaps, you (and we!) were/are too upset to properly evaluate the motivation behind their words and we are simply pissed that nothing anyone says can change the fact of the loss of our spouse. I say "Sorry for your loss." all the time to those grieving. I mean exactly that - because I am sorry. Yeah Faye, you're right. What is a person suppose to say in all instances when meeting a widow/widower? What is comforting to one will be insulting to another. We've seen that here many times over the years. I'm like you - everything said to me I took as an genuine expression of sympathy - whether it was delivered inartfully or not. I didn't look for fault in any way by the presenter. It is impossible to speak in such a way to not be misunderstood. - Karl Popper

It was my 10 yr old that urged me to start dating again. Which I did - but all I said to all of my sons was simply I had started to date . I did this pretty soon after I started going out again. I didn't give them many details and didn't introduce them to anyone until after my now wife and I decided that we were in this for the long haul. It went pretty smoothly all things considered. Telling the boys I was starting to go out also had the very positive effect of stopping #3 son from going up to perfect strangers in the grocery store asking them if the would be my new Mommie. Ouch. I did pretty much the same thing with my MIL. She was very understanding and supportive right from the beginning. Good Luck! Mike

I don't know, maybe 9 months or a year or so after T. died. It's like anything else: Some do quickly, some never do and most of us are somewhere in between. Good luck, Mike

Yeah, that is a bit of a sticky spot. You probably don't need a POA for your financial things (I'll come back to that) but at the very minimum you should draft a will and then in the will name an executor/executrix. It does not have to be family - if you have a trusted friend/neighbor perhaps that is the right choice for you. As far as the recipients of your assets, is there an organization whose work you like? A school, hospital, or some other? Perhaps them (if none of your family members are good candidates). Back to a POA for your financial assets - if you appoint one now, they will have the same rights as you do as soon as the POA document is completed. Do you really want that? Not to put too fine a point on it but that means they can spend your $$, or liquidate your accounts, without your knowledge or permission. So, as I mentioned, a POA for financial items may not be the way to go right now. There have been a bunch of posts here throughout the years surrounding financial concerns. Some are pretty good and very detailed. I'll poke around and so if I can dredge one or two up. Mike

Hi Shelly. It is a well traveled myth that there is always pain, uncertainty and sadness for the widowed, not matter how the rest of their lives unfold. It's untrue. Most of us, after some time, get on with the rest of our lives and are happy and well-adjusted. You mentioned that you have a history of anxiety and are seeing someone for treatment. Great! Perhaps though some type of change is needed: either in your therapist or with medication or something. Maybe just a little something to take the edge off. You said your husband is a great, caring guy - that's wonderful! Seek some additional techniques to relax accept the goodness present with your family. Good luck! Mike