Days away from six months

[sakeraki]

I don't know if existence should feel different or improved. Some of my life, the part that involves logistics: taking care of my children, working, keeping the house in some sembkance of order, faking it for people who constantly ask invasive questions, remembering information and dates, is back under control and running. Its kind of a new routine and my personal goal every day: Just get it over with.

 

The spirit that inspired this life and made a difference between surviving and living? Not here yet. Will it ever come back? I don't care at this point. I miss her constantly. There are few tears left in me, but I miss her as deeply and truly as I did when I finally realized this is all true.

[donswife]

Keep taking this day by day

its the hardest thing you have probably had to do

just getting up and getting daily life done is a huge accomplishment

I wish I had more encouraging things to say

but know we are here to listen

take care

[Jess]

Hi sakeraki, I think the number one rule of widowhood for me is there are no "shoulds". None. There is no "I should be doing better", "I should be grieving less/more", "I should have my life on track". Our relationship to our partners was unique and we ourselves are unique, so our grieving and how we process this unthinkable loss is also going to be unique. The idea of no rules or "shoulds" used to really scare the crap out of me because I am totally a rules girl, but for me the more I focused on this being my loss to learn to live with, the more empowered I felt to make bold choices to help my healing.

 

If right now your personal goal is to just get each day over with that is okay. Just keep in mind that is how you feel right now, it can change with time. I wish I could say how much time, but again, it is unique. I can say that I am living more than I am surviving these days, but it is still a work in progress. Maybe it always will be. I don't know.

[swilson]

{Bro hug} I'm sorry. It sure sounds like you're plugging away and doing the best you can and I can relate to the feeling of barely covering the basics. It was a struggle by myself so I can't imagine the stress you have of helping your children with loss  :-\ . I've learned a lot from the friends who share on these forums

[sakeraki]

Thank you for understanding. I guess -this- is the best that I can do.

 

Now that life is obviously not a nightmare that I can wake up from, the prospect of existing like this makes me sick, but I can life this sickness, for our sons.