... and the roll stops dead

[Jess]

You know, yesterday I said to someone "I am so SICK of being a widow." I am sick of hurting. I am sick of having to figure out things by myself. I am sick of taking out the trash. I am sick of being the only one to clean up after the dogs. I am just sick of it.

 

Here's what I think. What you are feeling is normal for this crapfest for your specific journey. We all deal with this differently and while I wish with everything I have in this moment you had an easier path, this is the path you have. I also think those moments you had where there was even a small glimmer of light, no matter how fleeting, is proof the light IS THERE. I have no idea how to make it better for you so I have no suggestions or advice... but what I do know is it is there. I am sure of it. Don't give up looking for it.

 

Hugest internet (((hugs))) I've got! And remember, we are all real people behind these screens and I consider you a real friend.

[linda5]

Just Jen, I felt the same way with my life.  3 years ago, if somebody would have told me what my future would hold in just 3 short years ... my beloved husband would die suddenly, my youngest will get married and move to the East Coast, my oldest will have our first grandbaby and then take that precious light of my life and then move her family to Phoenix, and my middle daughter will move out of my house and into one with her fiance, I would have rolled over and died on the spot.  I went from being a happy family of 5 to now just me!  I HATE IT!  My biggest fear in life was living alone, and somehow that is the life I'm living.  (Ironic, isn't it?) 

 

I don't like it, don't understand it ... but it's the hand I've been dealt.  Oh, I kick and scream and carry on to God about how unfair this is.  I keep thinking my reward is heaven is going to be GREAT!

 

Just want you to know that I understand how you're feeling.  We've got to just keep trudging along ... what is that saying ... Fake it until you make it.

 

Sending you positive thoughts and hugs!

 

[SoVerySad]

Jen, I am so sorry you are hurting so much right now. It feels so unfair to feel like we've made some progress only to be pulled back again and again. It is so exhausting to feel sad and empty for so long. I agree with, Jess. I am so tired of all of this.

 

Is it any help to remember that when you felt this way before, you didn't think you had anything to look forward to, but now you have a few things at least. Hopefully as you pass those events, more things to look forward to will keep emerging just as these things have for you. I do understand that hope is hard to hold onto when you can't envision things getting any better. I'm still hoping they will for all of us.

 

Sending you tight, tight hugs, and love...

[Jen]

I feel so empty now, like there's nothing left of me... I'm just a ghost, haunting what's left of my life. It hurts too much to think of the past, and I have no discernible future-- there's just the here and now, and it's a virtual wasteland. I guess that's not entirely true... there are a few things, a few people. I suppose there's an infinitesimal chance there *might* be something else out there... all I can do is hang on, white-knuckled and desperate, until something shifts. But what if it never does? How long can a person last like this?

 

Thank you for listening to me. I'm truly grateful that you're here. I wish I had more to offer right now...

[Guest tableforone]

I read that you set the goal of one year. The week after my husband died suddenly, I wrote in my journal that I would give myself two years. After the first year, I really looked around expecting some sort of prize...a new toaster, or really that he would magically reappear.

 

So glad to hear that you are looking forward to and enjoying bagos. Nothing like the company, hugs, laughter and understanding of people who understand.

 

Thinking of you!!