linda5

So sorry for your loss. I, too, was angry at God ... spitting bullets at Him! I went to church every Sunday, and then when my husband died suddenly, I didn't miss church. But I didn't go out of love for God then, it was to show Him what He did to me! I cried all through the mass! I wanted God to see me angry, hurt, and know He could have stopped it if He just lifted a finger. I wanted to show God that I was still showing up for Him, but this is how He treats me? I prayed my brains out that my husband would live. I could have been Mother Teresa, the way I was praying while the paramedics were working on him. My prayers came deep within my soul. God still took the love of my life, but what I did feel was God drawing close to me... trying to comfort me and our daughters. I was still to angry to let Him in. I can say it truly was a physical presence I felt from God, and I told Him "No, you did this to me and now you get to watch me suffer!" What I've discovered is that God doesn't promise to intervene in our lives, although sometimes He does. But He does promise to be there for us through the pain ... in the good and bad days. Since my husband died, God is more real, more tangible to me. He has shown me so much, and allowed so many, many signs from my husband. But why He took him, I'll never understand. I'm 4 1/2 years out, and it still hurts. Some days are good and some not. The pain is always just below the surface ... ready to bubble up at any given time. I'm over my anger at God, but I still don't understand. Just thankful for all the ways God has shown me hope and joy. Wishing this for you!

I'm also "lurking." Some days I'm doing pretty good and others, not. When I'm having one of those bad days, I come to this website and I do feel better. Hugs Jen!

I thought I was the only one that wanted to know why they get their happily ever after! For the first year after my husband died, I would think that one of them should die. (I know, I was horrible and so very angry!) At more than 3 years out, I'm happy to say that I no longer wish one of them would die. I'm still envious of the time they have together, but it makes me smile now and just long for what will never be.

Fuck that I think I'm ready to go to a dating website, then come home and see his pictures, his stuff, and then I chicken out. I want to date one minute, and the next I'm not so sure. Fuck.

I am so sorry for all the pain you are experiencing. You are in my prayers. Just keep holding on.

I agree, beautiful. Congratulations! Wishing you many years of happiness with your Chapter 2!

I think I am Shirley now!!!

Definitely a different parent now for me. My kids are older, the youngest being 20 when her dad died. All 3 daughters now treat me like an equal friend to them. Somehow, I lost my "Mom" status. I was such a wreck for the first two years that my girls told me when to eat, what to eat, when to go out, etc. Now that I'm gaining back control of my life, my daughters still think they can tell me what to do. I do have really good girls and I know they love me. But, I'm trying now to gain the "Mom" status back. I know I can't boss them around anymore, as they have all recently gotten married, but I want more than girlfriend status from them ... I want the Mom card back.

Whine or "wine" all you want. Trying to take care of everything is tough. Congrats to your son. Perhaps you can have a private ceremony in your living room for him. My daughters and I did this for my son-in-law .. we hummed the graduation march and one of my daughters gave the commencement speech, and I was the audience cheering when she handed him a paper diploma. (My son-in-law couldn't make it to his real ceremony due to weather.)

Sounds like you moved to Mayberry RFD (the TV show) and it sounds wonderful!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife, Kenneth. I read your post and it put me right back to that time in my life 3 years ago. I wrote the same things as you ... felt my life was over and at that time wanted to die with him. BUT, now at 3 years, I have found some joy and happiness again ... not every second of every day, but joy and happiness is there! No, I'm not with anybody. I had my soulmate and if I never find another, I was still blessed for the time I did have him. I just want you to know, that yes, you are going through some very dark days and times. Please know (and I know you think you'll never laugh again) that it will get more tolerable. But it doesn't happen overnight. Just hold on.

I also felt the same way. I was in a "town hall" meeting at work, and while the CEO was going on and on about whatever, I was looking at all the back of heads in front of me and wondering who's going to die next out of these people? I'm still envious of couples, but I now wish them well in my mind (because I spent the first year thinking one of them should die because I got my life blown to bits.) I'm trying really hard to let the anger, resentment, and bitterness go. Some days I do better, other days I don't.

Hi! It's been a little over 3 years without the love of my life, and I went on my first date last weekend with another couple that introduced us. He had a great body, was nice to talk to, but I felt NOTHING. I did think he was a nice guy. He's interested in me and I don't want to lead him on if I'm really not interested. This is where I need help ... do you have feelings right away? Since I was still in love with my husband, and I felt nothing for him, does this mean he isn't the right guy for me, or I'm still in love with my husband and there never will be a right guy, or I'm still dating too soon for me? Do I go out again and try to develop a friendship and see if I have any romantic feelings for him? Or is that just leading him on? Dating sure isn't for the faint of heart.

That just breaks my heart. I found I can handle my own pain, but I don't want my kids to suffer anymore. Big hugs to you and your daughter.

Today, Palm Sunday, it is snowing. Just like it was 3 years ago. My husband died on the afternoon of Palm Sunday 3 years ago. So Palm Sunday will always be a trigger for me. But the actual date on the calendar was March 24, 2013. So, that's the second day I get to be dragged down into the pits of despair. Do we ever really recover from such a devastating loss?

Katie & Kater, I'm so sorry for you both. Life isn't fair. I don't know why some people get lollipops and sunshine and others get stormy weather. Just hold on ... I found praying, journaling, and being here and reading what others wrote ... even if I didn't add anything, really helped. When people offer help, take it! Wishing you both much happiness in your future.

Tatianakm, I'm so sorry for you loss. Your story brought tears to my eyes. I also lost my husband suddenly, but our kids were older... the youngest just started college. Even after 35 years of marriage, you brought back all of my emotions I had when my husband first died. I just want you to know, that I still grieve every single day for my husband, but I can survive. I do find joy and happiness in some days and I'm praying you will too. Just take it one day/one moment at a time. I know it must be so difficult with a newborn ... just hang on. I'm praying for you.

So sorry you didn't get to have more time with your love. Thinking of you.

I'm also thinking about moving. My kids moved out and my house is too big for one person. But, I'm also not ready to go though every single item. So, I guess I'll stay put for at least the next 2 years and then decide if I want to downsize. It seems that everything is a big decision when you're on your own. Congrats on the job Armor!

My Dad died last month, he was almost 84 and had severe Parkinsons, then got pneumonia, then had a heart attack. Was able to tell my Mom, and me & my 6 siblings goodbye. My siblings, and Mom, are having somewhat of a tough time. I have not cried for my Dad, and I had a good Dad. But I loved my husband more. The tears I shed were still for my husband, and not my Dad. This is my siblings first major loss, and I'm like ... I've seen worse. I did love my Dad, but I'm afraid I've grown into a uncaring, calloused person. I keep talking outloud now to my Dad telling him that I do love him, but losing my husband was so much worse and it just sucked everything out of me. The last thing I did was give me Dad 3 kisses before he died, one for him, one for Jesus, and the last is for him to personally deliver to my husband, and tell him how his dying screwed me up! (I know, I know, I was making it all about me.) I bet I've cried enough tears to make my own personal lake! Anyway, now my Mom is in my camp. She's saying the same things I remember saying. I think my Mom finally gets how I feel and it's nice to be able to share some of these feelings with my Mom who now understands.

That's a great sign Needy Two. I'll be at 3 years on March 24th and I used to get so many signs of hope and hanging on ...now not so many. Signs are all I need to hold on.

Icoxwell, Thank you for the candid post. I'll be at 3 years March 24th and just reading what you wrote has given me the strength I need. Wishing you the very best life has to offer.

Your story brought a joyful tear to my eye. What a great young man you are raising!

I'm also throwing in my prayers for your niece.

I'm also mad. My anger comes and goes ... but it really sticks on the important days ... like today. I wonder if I'll ever be better than just "okay" for the rest of my life. And, "okay" is good .. it's just lost all the sparkle that was supposed to be here.