Stress and dealing with the kids

[widowat33]

My life has been very stressful lately, or maybe I am just not handling stress really well right now.

I put this in this section as it mostly pertains to my boys.

I am working, just a casual position but it's in a shelter for abused women and it's 12 hour shifts, and a one staff model (so we work alone) at any given time the shelter can be full of women and their children. When I'm done my shift I am worn out, not so much physically even though there is physical labour involved, but I am drained emotionally. I am very certain that this could never be a full time permanent job, but it will look good on my resume so I am toughing it out for the time being.

I am also a full time student in college, and this semester is condensed so that we can also go on placement. I love school but it's challenging to complete everything on time and still find time for everything else going on in my life.

This is where the kids come in... They are both in hockey, different teams, so in a week I am at the arena four nights at the very minimum, that's not counting their games in other towns, which for the most part take place on the weekends. I enjoy watching them play a sport that they both love, but I can't help but think about the many other things I could be doing instead of sitting at the arena, and of course I feel guilty even thinking that way.

This past week they have had friends over after school and for supper a couple of nights, and my youngest had one over all day today. So my house lately has been overrun by noisy, active 10-12 year old boys. I encourage them to have friends over, but it's starting to get to be too much.

Tonight I've had several breakdowns.

After dropping my youngests friend off I took him to shinny, a fun game of hockey, I even let him stay out on the ice for an extra half hour longer than we agreed to. When I told him it was time to go I was met with attitude, which of course led to a huge blow up. He felt that I was being selfish by making him get off the ice to leave when he was having a fun time. I explained that if I was selfish I wouldn't have taken him in the first place. We talked it out, resolved it and things were better.

Then just before bed both my boys started horsing around, I asked them to be quiet and my oldest commented that I needed to chill out. I lost it. I am not proud of it but I overreacted, I honestly felt like I was having an anxiety attack. I tried to explain to him that it had been loud in this house all day and the noise was starting to bother me, and once again I was called selfish because they were just having fun.

I think out of all the things they could call me, selfish hurts the most. I feel like everything I do is for them, and obviously they don't appreciate it otherwise they wouldn't say it.

I feel so out of control, even now. Today I have lost my cool more times than I care to admit. I am not mean to them or anything, mostly I just start crying.

Tried to talk to my oldest, but he shuts down easily and wouldn't talk.

Sorry this is long, and thank you if you are still reading my scattered thoughts. I just needed to vent about this. My usually sweet boys have been not very nice lately, and I've been too emotional lately to effectively deal with behaviour issues. I just feel like a failure.

[SoVerySad]

Aw, tight hugs to you. You are not a failure for certain. It is very hard being a solo parent with no one to take turns caring for our kids with. I am always the on one duty and it is exhausting. That is in itself. You have an emotionally taxing job with long shifts and school full-time on top of it. I can't even imagine that, honestly. It is a lot. If you are like me, since my husband passed away my life has been all about my kids. When they seem to not appreciate it, it hurts. They have no idea how much effort I've put into trying to make their lives as good as I can while trying to hide my misery of not having my husband/best friend here. I also have sweet kids for the most part, truly. However the times they've been critical of me have really hurt.

 

Do you have at attend all the games? Could you attend one per week for each and then just drop off and pick up for the other two nights so you at least had that time free to get things done? I would also set a reasonable limit for days/week they can have friends over. Maybe you can sit down and explain with all you have going on right now (all things you are doing to ensure a better future for them), you need to temporarily make some changes. It isn't that you don't want them to have fun, it just needs to be more structured for right now. Maybe you can plan a special trip our outing for when you are on school break or something as a tradeoff for them to look forward to? These are just some ideas to consider that might help.

 

Honestly, given their ages, I'm not sure they'll be very understanding, but you will have at least explained your reasoning. You do have to make your life manageable or you end up feeling very stressed out as you've found. You are clearly a wonderful mom who deserves some rest and quiet times at times. We all need it to recharge a little.

 

More hugs...

[widowat33]

Thanks SVS,

Because of their ages the coaches prefer a parent being at hockey in case there are behaviour issues that need to be dealt with immediately (there are some kids on both of their teams who are not always very well behaved). I do sometimes drop my oldest off as I've spoken with the coach and he has reassured me that he has never had any problems with him and really couldn't foresee any issues with me leaving him there, so it does take some of the stress off.

My new semester starts today, I do have two evening classes, which means some time at home during the day while the boys are at school, I think it will be the peace and quiet I need!

It's funny, I was so upset while writing the first post because my oldest was not speaking to me and mad at me, the next morning he woke up and acted like nothing happened. We talked briefly about it and moved on.

Thanks for the suggestions and well, just for listening!

[Sugarbell]

Vent away! Girl I get it!! I have had periods over the years that I have felt the exact same way! (My boys are 11 and 13..just enough age difference to be on separate teams too)

 

It's a rat race. I have lost my shit on several occasions-When I am spinning out of control...it helps me to take 30 minutes of zoning out. Ignoring the world the chaos all over it. Whether it be working out, watching TV...or hell being on my phone on this site (like my kids are probably wrestling downstairs before bed and I am upstairs on my phone oblivious)... but in 5 minutes I will be back in "Mom mode" if that makes sense.

 

(((((Hugs...I get it...it's a rocky road and definitely an education for all of us parenting solo)))

[widowat33]

Thanks Sugarbell,

I always feel so guilty after I lose it. I'm glad I'm not the only one who loses her shit from time to time.

Yes I think I need to learn to zone out a little better.

It was much easier sharing parenting responsibilities, now it's all on us, I think I just worry about the balance of being strict but not too strict, ugh.

Sometimes this really sucks