Completely Without An Anchor

[Guest TormentedTwoStep]

I mistakenly believed at one point there would be a natural timeline to all the hurt, loss, confusion, grief and sorrow of losing my spouse at such a young age.  A point where losing every last vestige of a life built together would open up into a new life and vast opportunity to do and see things I'd always wished.  And that's how I stabbed at recovering and moving on after the devastating loss of my best friend, confidant, fulfillment and anchor.  In a word, what I considered home.

 

Two and a half years on and I feel I'm not only stuck, but worse off than I've ever been.  I have a great family, good friends, but the widow card has long since expired and there's an expectation that I should be moving on, enjoying life and making things happen.  I feel as though I no longer have the right to be sad and broken about losing G (my spouse) and no one wants to hear it anymore.  I'm a broken record of gloom, despair and agony.  I simply hurt all the time.

 

At this time last year, I felt as though I had finally moved through the worst.  I had come to terms and could comfortably embrace the change in my life and the fact I had been privileged to a fairy tale marriage.  I embraced the person I had become through all that love and loss, and I tackled new endeavors with enthusiasm.  My job was on a good track, I could once again find joy in some of my hobbies, I was involved with a very active support group, I had met someone quite unexpectedly, we had a whirlwind romance and spent nearly every waking hour outside of work together.  Many un-awake hours as well.  We were looking at houses, had plans to get married and settle into a new life.  One I had not chosen, but was amazingly blessed to be living.

 

Then, the other shoe dropped.  My new love grew distant and cold over the summer and broke things off.  Now, they are riding into the sunset with a new love and I'm still alone.  My family is dealing with the continued progression of my mother's Alzheimer's disease and is facing some tough decisions.  She had always been the stable, happy, defining voice of reason in a volatile family dynamic full of very strong personalities.  My boss, who had been amazingly supportive of my struggles and allowed my many concessions at work, retired in January and a new boss begins next Monday.  My faith community who had rallied around will my better half became sick and died disintegrated shortly after and I am without that "second home".  My primary support group participants (who I am still in contact with) stopped meeting regularly as each of them found new love, new life and moved on.  I am truly happy for them.

 

So here I am.  No spouse, no faith community I've assimilated into, no new love, no trusted work environment, no stability in family life-simply put I have no anchor or center whatsoever.  I am forced to find the strength to be my own anchor and own center and I simply don't have it.  I have no one to come home to and prop me up.  I have no one to love that matters more than anyone else that truly wants me to love them only as a spouse can-someone to be one with.  I have no strength to do it anymore.  I'm exhausted by the time I get off work, so I return to a cold, empty house that no longer has any sense of home, collapse in tears and a sense of terror that I will have to do this another day with no hope of a future love since no one would take on this mess of a human. 

 

I'm punch drunk, have dropped my guard, refuse to retreat to my corner and throw in the towel, so I continue to take punch after punch, waiting and wishing for the fatal blow that knocks me out and relieves me of all the misery.  I don't want to be this way.  I want to be happy, active, in love, excited for life and embracing it boldly.  But it didn't work before, I lost it all anyhow so I am completely apathetic and feel there's no more use in trying.  My best life is behind me.  Everything is a trigger.  I lost all that mattered and now I feel irreparably ruined.  I simply want out. 

 

Sorry for a long ramble from a veteran widow new to this forum, but I've run out of places to turn.  Thank goodness I've found you all.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Guest k3songs]

All I can say is I completely understand.  Going on six years without my husband and I am lost. I feel as though my best life is behind me too.  You're not alone in your feelings. 

[Forgottenwife]

Yes. The loss of our spouse is so profound, and as if the stress and grief and pain of that isn't enough, we are left to face all of lifes trials without that one person we chose to be by our side through it all.

 

I am so glad you found us too. Your widow card doesn't expire here.

[Captains wife]

I'm sorry...grief can be such a monster. You are also dealing with a lot of other things which can only exacerbate the grief. Please vent here- and remember there is no real timeline for grief. Please be good to yourself, maybe try and find activities, social scenes that give you comfort - I also found talking to a grief therapist and exercise helped me. I wish you better days ahead.

[Guest TormentedTwoStep]

Thanks for the very supportive responses.

 

I had a really intensive session with my psychologist yesterday.  After drilling really deep, she believes where I'm at with the grief and the heartbreak of being dumped area all quite normal and I'm better in those areas than I think.  But, they are exacerbated by the bigger issue, which is a lifelong and intense dislike of myself.  Only when I have a great love in my life, can I see any good in myself which is reflected back to me, I feel worthy enough to be loved, and I can tolerate myself.  Otherwise, all I can see in myself are all my shortcomings and thus deem myself unlovable, which she says is far from true.  So I need to learn self compassion.  It's muscle I don't even have, much less know how to flex.  I feel better knowing I'm not the failure I see in the mirror, and despite my self assessment, I can be seen as loving, deep and beautiful.  Now I just have a lot of very hard work ahead of me.

[Rayspumpkin]

Oh. My. Bob. THIS!!! Right there with you, every single emotion portrayed, I understand you. Hugs!