Rayspumpkin

I'm hitting this too...gone 5 years this year in November...we were married for 5 years 4 months 4 days...so next March... I'll be a mess. His bday...plus officially being widowed longer than married. I already dread it.

That's wonderful! I'm so glad to hear it! I agree, I found everything I ever hoped for here! It was a spur of the moment decision...focused more on dating...blech. Won't make that mistake again. Sticking with my peeps...although most of the ones that I knew well...are like me and have not been as active on the board...moving forward and all that.

Just wanted to pop in and say hello. I think of you all often...hope everyone is doing well. I've spent the last 30 days trying to learn self-love...it hasn't been easy. I joined a few widow groups on facebook...had to leave one today because the judgey mcjudgersons and heat was just too much. Makes me thankful for this place. Where even when we would never do what someone else is doing, we support them. Best thing I learned from my adventures elsewhere...if someone was a jerk before widowhood, they're a bigger jerk now. Love you all.

I have a huge bright yellow "Funshine" Carebear that my husband bought for me to sleep with before we were married. I cuddled it in high school...and I've cuddled it for 3 of my 4 years widowed. I had a boyfriend live with me for a year...dumped him when I realized "Funshine" made me happier than he did. Lol. We all have our security things...mine IS a neon teddy bear...and it makes me smile every night when I walk into my room. So long as it's not harming anyone, & we don't have to take it with us everywhere like a lifeline...I think we're fine. But what do I know? I'm just the crazy widow.

Today was better, thank you all for your sweet words. Meltdown extraordinaire here...but this morning I woke up knowing that he didn't mind me "standing him up" he was way more understanding and forgiving than I am. Lol. For, if the tables were turned...I'd have haunted his butt! Hehe. I know he isn't at the cemetery...it's just odd, because for some reason...it is the only place where I get peace...and recently that has been elusive...even there. I was just really hoping for a "date" night with him...ya know? Oh well, I'll run out on Saturday and visit...maybe that will make me feel better.

Beam me up-Pink Literally kills me a little every time. Address in the Stars-Caitlyn & Will Boohoo Dancing in the Sky-Dani&Lizzy Soul cleansing.

Today Daniel would be 30. We would have celebrated with cake and ice cream with his parents. My parents would have called and sang to him. Instead, his parents hardly speak to me, my Mom is with him in Heaven, & I wasn't even able to make it to the cemetery because the stupid road is flooded, & I ran out of time to travel the long way because I was trying to compromise my plans for the night to make a friend happy. Most days I feel like I'm living a double life, & I haaaaate it! If missing his birthday because I was trying to make someone else happy counts as the elusive "moving on" then everyone can kiss my ass. I'm not doing it! I feel like I betrayed Daniel by missing the sunset with him. I promised to never forget him, but not having TIME for him is the same thing right? Today just sucks. Widowhood sucks. Being here without him sucks. Needing him sucks. Needing my Mom sucks. Being stuck here sucks. Being alone sucks. Being with other people sucks. Ugh!!! I'm glad that people don't "get it" but damn...I wish someone would just understand that I'm not nuts...I'm widowed. Hell...maybe I am nuts. It's only fair. Crummy day, and been a pretty long stretch of them for the last 4 years. How much longer until I can die happily from old age? Argh. Widow humor...sucks. Just when I start to think I've got this widowed but content thing down; a damn road floods and everything goes up in smoke. I'm a blubbering mess and no one understands because "it's been 4 years" "you have to move on" "you're so strong, why are you letting this define you" yeah...say hi to your spouse as you tell them how sad and pathetic I am. Grrrr. I swear I'm not this bitter...today just sucks. Tomorrow's a new day. Edited because I accidentally hit post instead of preview.

Thank you! I needed a perspective change.

When you're all alone, Lying on the bathroom floor, Huffing 5 year old cologne, Behind a closed door, That's not "Holding your own"

Thank you! ALL of you!! I so desperately search for someone, ANYONE in my real world to just comprehend what I'm saying.. but they all want to "fix it" they all ask "what can *I* do to make you better?" NOTHING!!! It just makes it so much worse...because I KNOW they care, I KNOW they want to fix it...but damn it all...THEY can't. It just causes me more heartache...and then I finally break down...and come crawling back here...and YOU get it. You know that nothing will "fix" it. YOU know that I just need love...just understanding...so thank you. Thank all of you for always being here when the real world casts me out...I have a twisted view...of I'm doing okay if I don't have to bury myself in the virtual world...like I had to in the beginning...this place is such a blessing and a curse...but I'd never make it without it. I hope that makes sense...lol

Thank you Maureen!

There's a song called "How do you get that lonely" by Blaine Larson...youtube it... 511 friends...and nobody knows...no one sees...no one calls...no one texts...and even when they do, you CAN'T tell them...never been more alone...I can stand in a room full of people, and no one knows, no one can see, no one has a clue...but my mind knows, my heart knows, my soul knows, my anxiety screams; but with my carefully choreographed fake smile, well placed words, and nods in the appropriate places, they'll never know, they'll never see; because my anxiety is right, no one can handle it, no one wants to know, no one cares enough to see, to dig, to find out. That inner voice shouts, hide it, don't let them see, they think you're strong, they can't see how weak you really are; it's bubbling over, HIDE, get out, they can't see; they'll call you weak, they'll use it against you, they'll hurt you more...take your pain and run; no one can help you, no one can save you...and it's right; because no one sees, I don't want to reach out, I feel like a burden when I do; and they're living life, while I'm struggling to survive; every day is a battle, against myself, and many lose the war...THIS is how anxiety wins; this is how people lose, because anxiety is a brutal fighter; and it's always right...THAT'S how suicide happens...yet no one knows how someone gets that lonely...and nobody knows...but it's because anxiety is right; no one cares, no one can handle it...hide me...hide your pain...then you find that person that says they can handle it, and they do for a while...then they'll call you a debbie downer, they'll say you're bitter, they'll tear away just enough layers to see your wounds and then they'll leave, saying you're clingy, needy, annoying, weak and it will take months to rebuild...months of daily struggles to fix yourself; just so the next person can tear you down again, and you'll let them; because you're weak! Everything they say has double meanings...your anxiety will explain it later...when you're alone, begging God to make it end...instead anxiety will tell you that you're meaningless, that if you didn't exist nothing would change, and you believe it, because there's no proof otherwise...no one standing with you in your war...it's just you & Satan; toe to toe...and in these moments, no amount of praying helps, no cries are heard, you're in it alone...THIS is how you lose...once you start believing that no one cares for you; and you finally tell someone, and they then tell you they care...your anxiety is right there telling you they're only saying that because you made them feel guilty...where were there when you needed them yesterday? Last week? Last month? You'll never beat me...so if you know someone with anxiety...be there for them...you never know how close they are to losing their battle...and sometimes losing one battle; loses the war. I post it out there...for everyone to see...and still, no one sees...I miss the way he loved me...I miss the way I FELT with him. I miss who I was with him. I miss how strong I was with him...I just miss HIM, and nobody knows...

I wore them daily for about 5 months...but I started feeling weird with having them on while being considered "single" so I put them away. They reappear every year on our wedding anniversary, and our dating anniversary; I'm almost 4 years out. Sometimes when I've had a particularly rough day, I put them on, drink some wine, and let myself lie down and imagine how things would be different if he were here. The rings have become a bit of a security thing for me...mostly they sit in my jewelry box, safe & sound after being widowed 3.5 years ago...but certain days...I need the comfort they bring. Luckily everyone in my life knows if they see the rings...I'm having a "Daniel day" and they've learned to be extra loving to me on those days. I rarely wear them outside my house though. It's all about what makes YOU feel better...and everyone else's opinions be damned. Your grief, your rules.

YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AMEN! I was the same way! Even got angry when people called me strong...what I heard was "fake" screaming in my head; you THINK I'm strong...I'm just running...

Thank you so much for "getting it" exactly. My husband was a carpenter...he loved to do the "manly" things and I did my fair share...but there were so many things that he would do, and tell me that it was his job...then usually follow it with "make me a sandwivh for when I'm done" which would illicit an eyeroll from me. I LOVED being the "little lady" of sorts. I'm not saying I was a 1950's housewife 100% but that's how it was...and I cherished it. And now, I've had to get an entirely new identity as the strong independent widow; and well...I didn't want that identity. Just as none of us did. I'll rock it out...but somedays...it's harder than others.

I'm so thankful that some of you got what I meant by that post. I know I'm capable, I know I "can do anything I put my mind to" I just didn't have to damn it! I guess it just comes down to missing having my perfect partner in life. I do what needs to be done. I put my big girl panties on and mow the yard, I pay someone to clean the gutters (chunky girl doesn't do heights) I cuss my way through fixing the leaky sink, or hiring the plumbers, or changing light bulbs that require climbing...it's just...he promised to always do those things...and he did; and now...it really sucks that he's not here and I can't even really be mad at him for it. THIS!!! I AM a strong, independent woman, I ask for NO ONE's help, I do it on my own or I pay for services; it just really blows because this whole living thing was supposed to be a twofer job...like I said, was just a bad day. A lonely day. A sad day. I'm all better today; call me she-woman because I'm doing it all!!! Just needed a moment of...I'm making it, despite the odds; but he was supposed to be here helping me make it.

This is just a shoutout to all those "ever-single, strong, independent" women that are appalled by my "little housewife" mentality. Like...they mow their own yard, religiously, not just before they get neighborhood complaints, and they fix their own stuff, they powerwash their own houses, clean their own gutters, & trim their own dogs' nails. Way to go single girls. I'm livid that my hubby isn't here to trim dog nails, or pull ticks, or any of that other stupid stuff that I'm too scared or too dumb to do. Those single girls are awesome...and I hate them! Lol 4 years out...still can't do this "adulting" stuff without him. Just a bad day...not a bad life...repeat 6 billion times.

Welcome to the hardest journey, but you've found an oasis here. I've never found a more honest, supportive, & understanding group anywhere. I'm sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad you found us. Best wishes on your journey.

^^^^Yep!!! I get it...just lost a friend in yet another tragic freak accident, I want to help her fiance as much as I possibly can...but how can I help him when I'm almost 4 years out & I still need help??? I totally get it!! I've had a rough week of intense raw grief...my scar is bleeding...how can I offer any advice on how to help heal someone elses???

Fuck being widowed. Fuck that my friend Sarah is being cremated today. Fuck that her fiance now thinks I'll be a good mentor for him because everyone thinks I handled losing Daniel so well. Fuck being called bitter. Fuck people telling me to stay away from Sarah's fiance because it depresses me. Fuck people trying to control my grief for my husband, my Momma AND now my friend! Fuck that I'm sooooo very used to saying fuck these days. Fuck wanting to lay on Daniel's chest and cry until I feel better. Fuck being broke. Fuck being alone. Fuck that I can't even screw a random guy to feel better because I don't want ANYONE except my husband. FUCK that I'm almost 4 years out and this isn't getting ANY easier. Fuck my pity party. LOVE all of you so, so, so much!!!

THIS!!! I am totally in sync with you... (((((hugs)))))

Sadly, I have been accused of trying to steal husbands since being widowed...by very insecure people. The worst was dh's best friends wife, she listened to co-workers about how "once widowed...women start taking advantage...be careful" I had never felt so much rage. Don't get me wrong...love dh's best friend...but...ewwww. I learned to be very careful about talking to any men; because obviously us wids are only after a new man. It hurt...but I respect that she was obviously insecure, but it ruined our friendship.

ME TOO!!! GENIUS!! I'm sorry that family sucks...I have some as well that are assholes. But once you finish that "fuck it spree" (I LOVE IT) your heart gets much lighter. Cut them off...and suddenly; they are INCAPABLE of causing you any more pain. Best wishes.

I hear you. I understand you! I cannot condemn you without condemning myself...and every other wid here...and I refuse to do that. I'm almost 4 years into this...thing...we call widowhood. I have no idea how I've made it here...I have days that I miss hubby so much my whole body aches...and other days it is just a dull pain I lug around with ease. I smile more...but I too have days that royally suck and friends & family are MIA and I get angry at them...then realize a lot of them tried to be there for me & I pushed them all away because I never wanted THEM. I've found that even when I think I want someone; once they arrive...I'm ready for them to leave. It's a tricky journey...and I completely understand feeling like you're almost in the home stretch...and getting pinged by a flyball. I will not accuse you of self-pity...because sometimes...a little downer day is what it takes to survive the next few months. A friend gave me some really great advice "Grief...live it, take it when it hits, wallow in it for a time, take a little vacation into the deep despair it brings; experience whatever it needs to make you feel...but don't you dare unpack your stuff & live there. You get back up and move forward. Grief is a journey...so don't you dare stop moving." It gets me through some of my darker moments.