I think I make people uncomfortable.....

[fuchsiasky]

Good morning all.  Or crappy morning all if you're having a day like me.  I am missing my Rob so much today.  I just want to cry and cry.  I went to bed really early last night just to get away from my sadness.  It didn't work.  Its still here.  I am so sad and lonely.  But I can't tell anyone or they will all go away. 

 

I don't know what to do.  I am so miserable so much of the time.  It is kind of my base emotion - sad and lonely.  Friend and family ask me how I am and I try to tell them something resembling the truth - as that is what they have asked me to do- but it just makes people uncomfortable and they leave.  Like a friend will text and ask how I am and I tell them that I am having a rough time and then they just don't text back.  I know that it is hard to deal with me.  I don't want to deal with me either!  But it doesn't help to just back away and say nothing.  It makes me feel worse.  I don't know who I can trust with the truth.  So I give them kinda half assed answers that let them know that I'm not good but I don't tell them how bad I am really doing.  And if it is a lonely day like today then it makes it so much harder.  I just want to reach out to people but I am so scared they will just back off.  I just want a hug but I'm scared to ask for one.

 

It isn't everyone.  There are some people I can't bullshit.  They see right through it.  They just give me hugs and try to help me with the practical things that I am not doing when I am too sad (like the f-ing dishes!). 

 

This is too hard!

[marjoe]

Hugs to you! Yes, this is so very hard. And what I've come to think over the years (and helped by an essay Peggy A found and posted on YWBB) - grief is ugly. It's so intense that it frightens people. I get that, as I think I was one of those DGI people before being widowed. So I give people a pass on that - but I'll tell you, if I needed a hug I asked for one, and that's something friends, family, and sometimes, in my case, even strangers, are happy to give. Because it's something they CAN give. And of course, being on the forums - it was a lifeline to me in the early days. I hope for a peace-filled day for you - Marsha

[jenni_s]

I wonder if people think grief is contagious, like if they are compassionate and comforting to you, they are going to catch it. I've been widowed for 5 years (next week) and I've just grown accustom to making people uncomfortable. I hope you can find a friend that won't run away at the first sign of emotion. Come here, post often, find friends here. They won't run away. They get it. We get it.

[fuchsiasky]

I realized last night that maybe I am thinking about this backwards.  I have been looking at all the people who can't handle my sad.  In truth there are 3 people in my life (sister, best friend, brave friend) who are in no way afraid of me at my worst.  That said they are some of the fiercest people I know.  But I don't scare them.  They just listen and wait it out and tell me the truth as they see it.

 

I'm so used to showing the real me.  It's difficult to hide it.

[Guest nonesuch]

Yes,i think it makes people uncomfortable.  I don't think people so much *Don't Get It* so much as they think, "There but for the grace of God go I."  More correctly, they try to avoid thinking about it at all. 

[BrokenHeart2]

So true