Breaking Up Is Worth It - Article

[Captains wife]

For some reason reading this (post painful break up) made me feel slightly better today. Hope it's useful for others.....

 

http://elitedaily.com/dating/breaking-up-is-worth-it/1236597/

[willbert]

Thank You so much for sharing this! It was really what I needed to read right now.

[Guest TormentedTwoStep]

Good read.  Now I need one on how to break that longing and addiction to a person, even when they're out of your life.  My head still goes back everyday. It needs to stop as it feels like mental torture.

[Captains wife]

TTS - I understand completely. Getting over the addiction part (which is a chemical thing) is brutal. I've also been trying to direct my thoughts away from my ex in a meaningful way, which helps. I completely cut all ties with him - including social media and he had been texting me out of the blue but I asked him to please give me space and not contact me again. Another thing that also helped me was that I wrote out a list of the things/events/personality traits that upset me during our relationship - and I couldn't believe how long it was !! My current pain in the break up is because my brain wants to remember all the great and happy times we had - and there were many, and sometime he was the sweetest and most wonderful man (when he wanted to be...) Its been 6 weeks since my 1.8yr relationship fell apart and I still miss him and feel sad about the end - even though he was a real jerk to me in the end and I know it was for the best over the long run. Keeping busy for me has helped too (seeing friends in particular and being in touch) - and I have been treating myself well - i.e. taking time off work to spend with my son (who cheers me up), exercising every day, watching a lot of bad TV, shopping, seeing my grief therapist so I can have a good cry. Part of the issue is not only are we dealing with the grief of losing a spouse but when we find love in Chapter 2, we feel so alive again and I felt - wow, I really deserve this after what I went through...but now I am also grieving the loss of my ex, although in a different way.

[Guest TormentedTwoStep]

You stated so eloquently everything I am feeling and experiencing.  A resounding yes to it all.  I'm six months out from the last contact-and still feel no closer to getting over the addiction.  My therapist told me with my personality and level of devotion and loyalty in my relationships, I'd have an easier time kicking heroin.  The clock keeps ticking.

 

Here's to the solidarity that comes from misery with company.  Though I'd prefer to be alone in it knowing another soul isn't hurting like this.

[StillWidowed]

The thing that I've found thru a Chapter 2 ending is that I was more na?ve than I ever thought.  I mean, I'm a smart lady.  I've always had my act together.  Even in love.  That's why I married such an amazing man.  I knew what love looked like.  I knew what love was supposed to feel like, and I knew how to live in a loving, committed relationship every single day.  Yet, somehow in Chapter 2, I wound up in a very unfulfilling relationship with a man that was emotionally unavailable.  I just couldn't understand how I got there.  But looking back, I believe I went into it with the same mindset I had with my late husband.  I believed this man would also love me unconditionally, have my back, and be nurturing and supportive.  After the initial honeymoon phase, it took this unexpected turn.  I didn't understand it.  I thought it was me.  I tried harder.  It didn't help.  Only after extricating myself from the relationship and giving myself some distance, was I able to see things more clearly.  It wasn't me at all.  It was him.  He acted like this before me, during me and will act like this after me.  I will approach dating and meeting men differently now.  I will go slow.  I will take the time to get to know them.  I will let the man and the relationship unfold more until I attach.  So if I spot code reds and amber alerts, it will be easier to bail.  I believe my first Chapter 2 relationship was a learning experience to remind me what a good one looks like, and to help me spot that bad one a lot quicker.

[Captains wife]

StillWidowed - loved your post. You hit the nail on the head exactly - and believe me, I acted in much the same way. My ex-BF definitely didn't have my back, wasn't very supportive/nurturing and was emotionally unavailable in the end (and I tried hard too) and it took me too long to realize that. I expected him to stand by me in the rougher times as well as the good times (like my LH) - and he didn't want any rough times. When he recently referred to the fact that he loved our relationship as it felt like being in high school, I should have known 

[SimiRed]

Leaving was the best thing I ever did! 

 

StillWidowed, love what you wrote, and yes, it was the "illusion" of what we wanted it to be, that is what kept me stuck for so long.

 

Someone should have hit me over the head with a cast iron skillet!  It would have been so much less painful.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

I think being widowed changes our view on things. I think at least two times I felt vulnerable, alone, and somewhat passive. I didn't want to make waves, although many signs if it not working out were there. I felt I put up with a lot, and it was harder to cut it off and not have ripples and waves after. Now I know better. I trust again but it's very different.