173 days and counting.

[CappysWidow]

I don't know where to start. Adam and I had known each other for 24 years...been together for 20 years...married for 12 years. We have 2 kids (11 yr old girl and 8 yr old boy). He was sick for 39 days...diagnosed with leukaemia for 21 days...went into the hospital for chemo 12 days prior...didn't receive chemo until 6 days before he died but was also on life-saving machines for those days.

 

A lot of these 173 days I hadn't delt with the loss. I had to make sure my kids are ok, getting the house ready to sell and dealing with an uncooperative school. Most days I want to pack up the kids and run away. Logic tells me all this will follow me if I don't deal with it and let it all play out, my emotions want to run and my heart always asks me "hat would Adam think".

 

As long as we keep moving forward, things will work out how they are supposed to.

[arneal]

So sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved. We've all been there and hope you will lean into this forum. I'm new to it myself but find a measure of comfort, knowing there are others out there who are on this same ride. Hugs!

[mizjsea]

I am so so sorry for your loss. I too kept going by thinking "what would make DH proud?" I still do that (20 months out). With kids as young as yours you have no choice but to just keep going every day for them. You can do it. We all are doing it in one way or another. Reading everyone else's thoughts and experiences has helped me immensely.

[Guest TooSoon]

First, I am so sorry for your sudden loss.  You will find tremendously supportive people here and honestly, trust me, you can say pretty much anything you need to get out and someone here will engage you and empathize.  When I first came to the former iteration of this site, I spent HOURS - probably hundreds of hours - in the parenting section because when I hit something like 173 days, it all began to sink in and I was freaking out about raising a child alone.  You can do it!  It will look different from the life you knew before but you can and will do it. 

 

I also posted a lot in this section and very quickly fell into both online relationships, relationships over the telephone and even in real life with other widows.  They kept and keep me standing even now, after three some years.    This site and the people I've met here have, truly, changed my life for the better.  I count some of them among my best friends and certainly my closest confidants, even ones I've never met in person.

 

You are right that you cannot run from it.  It will follow you wherever you go until you've done the work you need to do to move forward.  I promise that will happen.  Be kind to yourself, let it wash over you, do what you can do and not what you think you should do and remember, it is a process that takes time and everyone's experience is different.  I know, I hated when people told me that, but I have found it to be true.

 

And I bet Adam would think you are one strong, loving woman and mother to have made it this far.    Keep putting one foot in front of another and you will find your way.  Sending lots of support.

[Jen]

(((((hugs))))) I am so very sorry. Keep talking, we get it.