My mother redux

[Guest TooSoon]

Over these years, I've talked a lot about my mother.  We are like oil and water; I am pretty passive and she is uptight in the extreme.  She has a lot of free time on her hands to get bees in her bonnet, mainly related to controlling and engineering and worrying about my daughter (and my apparent inability to be a good mother).  She seems to exist in a constant state of existential conflict regarding the idea of a woman having a career and being a mother at the same time  - that these two things must perpetually exist in opposition to the other and the career poses a mortal threat to one's ability to be a mother.  She has been in Germany for the past two weeks on vacation and it has been such a breath of fresh air knowing there would be no drive-bys, no encounters with my daughter that she could amplify into an "issue" when there really is no issue and texts coming in few and far between. M and I have both been so much more relaxed just doing our own thing.  I could never keep up this schedule of kid activities and the house and so forth at the height of my semester without help but it is summer break now and I have breathing room.  It was a sad realization how under her thumb we have been and are (and how I have been for 44 years).  I both need (and appreciate) her help and resent her over-involvement and difficulty respecting boundaries.  I know that when adp moves here in the fall, her behavior will improve (I will resist inserting a self-indulgent snarky comment here) but it has just been SO NICE not to have her constant inputs of "Your father (as if, she just includes him for emphasis - it is all her) and I think...." or "Have you thought about...."  or "We are concerned that...."  No passive aggressiveness; no sudden out of the blue "crises" with my daughter invented or otherwise.  Just chipper texts from their travels in Germany and pictures of their meals and the sites.  There is little point to this post, I am just sort of amazed how liberating these past two weeks have been.  It made me realize how truly caught between a rock and a hard place, between daughter and mother and granddaughter, between past, present and future, we all have been.  I mean, I knew all of this already, it was just so nice to be, for all intents and purposes, out of her reach.  Am I a horrible person?  Maybe this will be the start of a new pattern, though I have my doubts. 

[Guest April]

Not horrible at all.. you are entitled to control your own life.. this is your journey.. no one elses.. not even the people that brought you into this world.  I will respect my mothers advice.. sometimes I use it.. sometimes I don't.. and I'm not afraid to tell her.. (when I feel she is over stepping her boundaries)  "I don't feel like hearing it".    Lord knows my kids let me know!!   

 

I give my children the same respect.. I'm not going to agree with everything they do.. but I will always love and support them.  For instance.. my son plans on going into the service after graduation.. I hate the idea.. but it's his life not mine.. so I support him.. my Mom tends to try to butt in and change his mind.. or try to convince me to get him to change his mind.. it's really not her say.. and by trying to change his mind she is just pushing him away.

 

As parents our job is to make them independent, functional adults.. I guess some parents just can never let go. 

 

I hope things stay peaceful for you when she gets back.. Good luck!!

 

 

[Max2507]

Totally not horrible. I don't know if you are the first born or the only child. I am a middle child so I received little scrutiny but the oldest, my sister and my mom had that kind of dynamic. It would drive her crazy and I would say why do you let that bother you and of course easier said than done. I think we tend to act like children with our parents and its hard to get it to an adult/adult level. Work on your communication techniques for shutting her down and work on taking a deep breath and stop taking it personally...its her "stuff" not yours you are doing a fantastic job don't let her push your buttons. This is what I had my sister do: say "thanks, I am glad you are concerned" or "thanks for the input"and then do it the way you want. Also, "glad you worry so much about me still but you did such a great job raising me into a capable adult you really don't have to anymore" My mom was speechless after that one. She is the way she is and probably won't change so work on some strategies to mitigate her effect on you. You have no obligation to use or even consider her advice.

[Sugarbell]

OMG...Do we have the same Mother??😬😜✌🏻️.

 

You know I get this.

[canadiangirl]

I think we tend to act like children with our parents and its hard to get it to an adult/adult level. Work on your communication techniques for shutting her down and work on taking a deep breath and stop taking it personally...its her "stuff" not yours you are doing a fantastic job don't let her push your buttons. This is what I had my sister do: say "thanks, I am glad you are concerned" or "thanks for the input"and then do it the way you want. Also, "glad you worry so much about me still but you did such a great job raising me into a capable adult you really don't have to anymore" My mom was speechless after that one. She is the way she is and probably won't change so work on some strategies to mitigate her effect on you. You have no obligation to use or even consider her advice.

 

This is great insight and I need to follow it too.  Solidarity, TooSoon.  I absolutely adore my parents and need and am so grateful for their help- they come from a long way away when they can and actively help in concrete ways.  The flip side of their involvement is that, when they are here, they constantly undermine me and my messages when I am disciplining my child, and my father is driving me crazy with unwanted commentary and feedback on my parenting "performance" -ironically, as he was not there as I was growing up as he had a long commute to work.  Still, love them so much and need to take a leaf out of Max2507's book. Good luck, glad you have a little breather and space to contemplate that dynamic.