16 months later

[batmanswidow]

Well here I am 16 months after the worst day of my life.  I thought it was a good time to reflect on how far I have come and share it here hoping it in some way helps someone else.  A lot has changed since that horrible day.  I told a friend a while back that one day it was just as sunny as can be but it was raining anyway and that my life now often felt like that.  It still does.  It is one big web of contradictions.  For every moment that I find joy, there is sadness that he isn?t here to share in it.  I don?t want to be here for another fifty years without my husband but I want to spend fifty years watching our son grow up.  I?m 28 which is young, but a widow which feels so old.  I crave solitude but hate being alone.  I don?t want to be alone anymore, but can?t imagine loving anyone else.  Sometimes it still seems like I may just split apart because I constantly feel like I am emotionally and mentally living on opposite ends of a spectrum.

 

Well over the last 16 months, our son turned one and continues to bring joy to my life every single day.  He looks more and more like his dad as he gets older.  We threw him a huge 1st birthday party to celebrate surviving our first year together.  My husband would have hated it.  I quit my job and took some time off before starting a new part time position in the same field.  It has been a very welcome change.  Again, my husband would have hated it.  The weeks before anniversaries and such are still very difficult and bring up lots of emotions.  I no longer keep track of the months in my head.  After a year, it seemed to just stop being important. 

For a long time I was worried that my memories of our 10 years together would be lost, but as some of the fog has lifted they seem to be flooding back to me.  The smallest memories.  Most of the time they make me smile.  I like to remember the joy, laughter and love that we shared.  I still miss him all the time, but it is a duller, deeper ache than the raw pain that was there in the beginning. 

 

I stayed in our home because I couldn?t imagine raising our son anywhere else but it is also hard to be surrounded by a future we planned together but won?t have.  We still have pictures of Daddy all over the house.  Finally after 15 months, I threw out his toothbrush.  Early on I sold his 2 remaining cars, but haven?t managed to part with his motorcycles.  I still haven?t touched his things in the closet but turned his game room into our sons? playroom.  I wear my wedding band everyday but have put my engagement ring and his wedding band up for safe keeping.  Sometimes I wear his on a necklace for hard days.  I still sleep on my side of the bed and only venture to his side on rough nights.  I haven?t read a book (something I used to do often) since that day and hate when the house is silent.  I still haven?t driven past the accident scene.  One day I will have too and it will be hard, but I still can?t bring myself to even try it.  I still occasionally have nightmares of his accident, but they are less frequent.

 

Most of my friends and family continue to surprise me with their understanding and support.  I know I am one of the lucky ones in that regard.  More importantly, his friends continue to surprise me and it reminds me what a wonderful man he was. 

 

I don?t post often because writing my feelings out is still difficult for me, but I still read often.  I am beyond grateful that I found a group like this early in my journey.  What an amazing, supportive group.  I am so relieved that we still have a place to share with each other and support each other.  As always, many of you have unknowingly held my hand through this treacherous journey and I will be forever grateful.  Sending you all thankful hugs.

 

[Jen]

(((((((HUGS))))))))

[lcoxwell]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us, and you did it so beautifully.  From time to time, I think there must be something really wrong with me, that I haven't gone through more of Kenneth's things.  It is helpful to know that there are others, who have left his side of the closet untouched. 

 

When it comes to driving past the accident scene, there is no rush and nothing that says you have to drive past there, if you have managed to avoid the area for 16 months.  Just do what is best for you.  If you reach a point, where you feel you need to go there and that it would help you heal in some way , then do it.  If you continue to feel that going there will increase your pain, or return you to a darker place in your grieving, then stay away.