batmanswidow

Big huge hugs. Sorry you are having to deal with your siblings on top of your mom's health. I hope you get some quality time with her and that your other siblings step up.

Thanks everyone. I knew this was one of the few places where people would understand how big this was. Most of the people in my life still pretend not to notice when I turn the "wrong" way out of the neighborhood but I know they don't really get the level of control it had on my life. They can only be so supportive without truly knowing the impact driving by his car that day had on me. Anyway I also made it through baby's first sleepover. It would have been a little more exciting if I hadn't been rear ended today on my way to get some lunch. The lady felt really bad and I just looked at her and said, "it could be worse trust me". Thanks again for all the support!

Well I did it. After almost a year and a half I drove by the accident scene. And you know what? I survived. Yes, I had a panic attack in a gas station parking lot right after I turned off the street but I expected nothing less. The last time I drove that way into my neighborhood (instead of going 10-15 minutes out of the way) I was coming home after unknowingly driving past his burned up car. I don't know why I felt like i needed to get past this but I did. Like I couldn't let it have control over me anymore. Sure I will most likely continue to go out of my way to avoid it daily but I don't HAVE to now and that means something. It is also my little man's first night away from me and the house is already so so lonely. I would give almost anything to be like other mommas who go on a date night with their husband when their kids have their first sleepover at the grandparents. This life is so lonely.

I am so sorry to hear that you have been struggling with so much guilt lately. I had a long battle with some similar issues. I think in the end you have to find a balance that works best for you. It will never be perfect but you had to find the best fit for your family. In the end if you weren't happy in the part time position that could impact your quality time with the little ones too. It is exhausting to go to a job you don't like even if it is less hours. You deserve a job that makes you the best momma you can be and that is different for everyone. If you are close to your MIL, maybe you can talk to her and explain that when you are challenged and fulfilled at work it allows you to bring your best self home for the kids. Let her know that you need to give this a shot and that it is hard so you need her support and not her guilt. I found that when I went from full time, to temporary stay at home mom, to part time there was always someone who seemed to disagree. But they haven't walked in my shoes. They can't tell me what is best for my family. Sometimes I can't even do that. Try to give yourself some slack and let some guilt go because it is really hard and you are doing great. You obviously care tremendously about your little ones and at the end of the day they will know you love them.

Congratulations! Glad you are both doing well and that you have support.

I had a friend that did a lot of research on robot vacuums and he has a neato. Got mine about 2 weeks ago and so far I love it! You can set a schedule or just push the button when you want it to go. I have two cats and it seems to handle the fur when I run it every other day and empty the bin each time. Unfortunately my cats hate it so I have no fun youtube videos

I am so sorry for your loss. I was pregnant when my husband was in a fatal car accident a little over a year ago and one of the most painful parts of this journey has been knowing my son will never truly know his father. He is only 13 months old now, but one thing I did early on was to ask some of my husbands family and friends to share memories of him in a few journals. I hope as he grows everyone will share memories but liked the idea that my son could curl up in his room and read stories on his own if he wanted to. I typically like to grieve and reflect in private and wanted him to have the option to find out who his dad was whenever he wanted without having to ask. I agree with Calimom, don't worry about being too busy now but the grief will catch up so be gentle with yourself when it does. Feel free to PM me as well if you need anything or just want to talk about raising young babies as a solo working parent. Big hugs to you and DD.

Hope it went well and that DD feels better quickly!

I am so glad you have this opportunity and hope you have a great time! We bribe my nephew with snacks when we fly but toddlers will be toddlers and he still gets bored. Just try to relax, like Mangomom said you will never see the other passengers again. I also found that people were extremely helpful last time I traveled (solo) with my son. Good luck and enjoy it!

A few months before his accident my husband sent me the following series of texts (keep in mind I was about 3 months pregnant at the time and leading an important meeting at work): "I haven't been completely honest with you lately" Me: "what?" Ten long minutes later after many responses ran through my head. "I am the batman" That was just his sense of humor. Weird and a little mean. God I miss it. Anyway, when I registered batmanswidow just came to mind.

Well here I am 16 months after the worst day of my life. I thought it was a good time to reflect on how far I have come and share it here hoping it in some way helps someone else. A lot has changed since that horrible day. I told a friend a while back that one day it was just as sunny as can be but it was raining anyway and that my life now often felt like that. It still does. It is one big web of contradictions. For every moment that I find joy, there is sadness that he isn?t here to share in it. I don?t want to be here for another fifty years without my husband but I want to spend fifty years watching our son grow up. I?m 28 which is young, but a widow which feels so old. I crave solitude but hate being alone. I don?t want to be alone anymore, but can?t imagine loving anyone else. Sometimes it still seems like I may just split apart because I constantly feel like I am emotionally and mentally living on opposite ends of a spectrum. Well over the last 16 months, our son turned one and continues to bring joy to my life every single day. He looks more and more like his dad as he gets older. We threw him a huge 1st birthday party to celebrate surviving our first year together. My husband would have hated it. I quit my job and took some time off before starting a new part time position in the same field. It has been a very welcome change. Again, my husband would have hated it. The weeks before anniversaries and such are still very difficult and bring up lots of emotions. I no longer keep track of the months in my head. After a year, it seemed to just stop being important. For a long time I was worried that my memories of our 10 years together would be lost, but as some of the fog has lifted they seem to be flooding back to me. The smallest memories. Most of the time they make me smile. I like to remember the joy, laughter and love that we shared. I still miss him all the time, but it is a duller, deeper ache than the raw pain that was there in the beginning. I stayed in our home because I couldn?t imagine raising our son anywhere else but it is also hard to be surrounded by a future we planned together but won?t have. We still have pictures of Daddy all over the house. Finally after 15 months, I threw out his toothbrush. Early on I sold his 2 remaining cars, but haven?t managed to part with his motorcycles. I still haven?t touched his things in the closet but turned his game room into our sons? playroom. I wear my wedding band everyday but have put my engagement ring and his wedding band up for safe keeping. Sometimes I wear his on a necklace for hard days. I still sleep on my side of the bed and only venture to his side on rough nights. I haven?t read a book (something I used to do often) since that day and hate when the house is silent. I still haven?t driven past the accident scene. One day I will have too and it will be hard, but I still can?t bring myself to even try it. I still occasionally have nightmares of his accident, but they are less frequent. Most of my friends and family continue to surprise me with their understanding and support. I know I am one of the lucky ones in that regard. More importantly, his friends continue to surprise me and it reminds me what a wonderful man he was. I don?t post often because writing my feelings out is still difficult for me, but I still read often. I am beyond grateful that I found a group like this early in my journey. What an amazing, supportive group. I am so relieved that we still have a place to share with each other and support each other. As always, many of you have unknowingly held my hand through this treacherous journey and I will be forever grateful. Sending you all thankful hugs.

It is so hard isn't it? I can relate to the frustration of feeling like you are juggling so much that at some point something has to give. Before I lost my husband, I already felt so stressed about being a full-time working mom. I was still pregnant at the time but I knew that working full time with little ones is never easy. Then, well my whole life shifted. There I was 24 weeks pregnant trying to figure out how to be a full time working solo mom. Thanks universe. I work in a field where you work set business hours, but overtime as well most of the year. The company I was working for did not allow you to work from home during normal working hours except for occasionally if you had an appointment or were sick. It was over an hour just to get there. I liked the people I worked with, and the company had been so supportive during the worst part of my life so I promised myself that I would give it at least sick months after little man was born. At a little after six months I knew something had to give. I spent almost 3 hours a day just getting to and from work. I was trying to juggle evening conference calls with getting my son to actually fall asleep. It has impacted so many areas of his life. He is over a year and we are still trying to get sleeping through the night down. I am so tired and also pretty sure that the next time someone asks how old he is and replies with, "oh so he is sleeping through the night then", I may slap them. I was stressed for a long time just trying to keep up nursing a baby and working. So I did a lot of planning and research and realized that while it would be very tough, we could get by for a short period of time with less money. I think for me taking a step back and a few months off was the best decision I could make. I was forced to re-evaluate everything. Again. Did he need every single toy for his age group, no. Did I want to make sure we could stay in the home his father and I built, yes. Does a 1 year old care if we have cable tv, no. I budgeted every area of our lives and realized that we were fortunate enough that we could get by and have more time together at least for a while. I took a couple months off and found a part time job in the same field. It is still pretty new, but so far I wouldn't trade a thing. Sure, I won't get promoted as quickly as my peers. Sure, I still have to juggle my new schedule with the projects I work on. There are still sacrifices. There always will be. Sometimes I get upset about all the struggles that widowhood has handed me, but in this area I remind myself that most moms struggle to find the right balance. Yes, it is definitely easier if you have another income to rely on but the mommy guilt always finds us. I also think for me it was important to let some things go. I am typically a perfectionist and it really bothered me when things at work didn't go perfectly. I really had to work on realizing that I was doing the best I could and some things just really aren't that important. Anyway, that is just my experience. I think either way, your little ones will know you love them. Maybe one day they will even have kids and realize, wow my mom was awesome. Hope it helps in some way.

Good luck! I hope it works out for you!