The 7th year we celebrated her birthday without her

[MisterWes]

(I wanted to post this yesterday, but I had to wait on my registration approval.  I'm glad I found this community again after it vanished.)

 

Today was the 7th year we celebrated her birthday without her. 

 

She would have been 41 today.  We would have been married for sixteen years.  We got married on her birthday.

 

Life would be different if she was alive.  Alive and ... well?  If she had never gotten cancer?  But what if she was alive and had cancer still?  What if she was still alive and sick, still battling, still struggling?  No.  This isn't about what ifs and what would have happened.  This is just remembering Misty.

 

She was a beautiful person, with her own unique flaws and more than her fair share of emotional scars.  And I had the privilege to love her.  And be loved by her.

 

I miss her.  Not as much as I used to, though.  No, that's not quite right.  I still miss her as much as ever, but it doesn't hurt like it used to.  My life is full--I've been remarried now for 5 years, and I've had advances in my career, and things are generally pretty good.  Most days, I'm content.  Some days, I'm even happy.  I've moved past the grief... except for days like today. 

 

I don't think about her every day anymore.  But I do remember her.  I still see her smile, hear her laugh... and the other, less pleasant expressions of disappointment, frustration, and anger.  I remember her hair, her curves, her lips, ... and more.  (I've reconciled myself to the feeling of cheating on her with my new wife, and cheating on my new wife with memories of her)*.

 

Celebrating her birthday today... Usually we just commemorate the occasion by eating some of her favorite foods--KFC coleslaw, or Entenmann's glazed donuts, or maybe Olive Garden, or Souplantation.  Often we'll make her a birthday cake. 

 

I want to do something better this year.  I want to remember her better nature. 

 

She was vain and judgemental, but she was also tenderhearted and generous.  She freely gave of herself.  her personality.  her substance.  her laughter. 

 

I want to give like she did, but i don't know how. 

 

freely, i guess.  without thinking too much. 

 

 

 

Thanks for listening...

 

*note:  there was never actually any cheating going on.  I didn't meet my new wife until more than a year after the funeral.  It just feels like I'm cheating on them both, sometimes, and I've learned to be ok with that.

[SemperFidelis]

Thanks for posting. I'm 13.5months out and find it helpful to hear from people further out like you.

[TornApart]

What did you end up doing to celebrate her birthday MisterWes? I appreciate that you shared who Misty was, with all her perfection and all her flaws - the things that made her, her.

 

Today my husband would have been 47. I went to the grave on Sunday with his mother, and I thought about what he would have been up to today. I don't want to have a gathering because it would feel awkward to me. But I have taken today off work because I want to honour him but finding a way to live my life in a way that makes me happy, which is all he ever wanted for me. I feel like I am not doing 'right' by him if I am not loving my life.

 

It's hard to find a way to honour them - we can't live their life for them, and we can't be them, or live life the way they would have.