SemperFidelis

We had only been together a couple weeks when it happened..... and it's the only picture I have of LH and I in the house. My bathroom is my sanctuary, one of the places I spend the most time getting ready for work. So I definitely consider it "my" space. Not like a living room or shared/hallway bathroom. I don't have any pictures in the bedroom. I agree that would be awkward. I did ask him why he had turned it over, and he said it made him uncomfortable and it felt like intimate space (....odd.....we have never been in there at the same time) and he wanted to see a picture of he and I together (nice thought, but not after two weeks). On top of it he has also made a couple comments like "he wasn't a good person" and "he abandoned you" (suicide). Buzzzzzzz. Next.

So in nearly three years since being widowed, i let two men in close.....one was a horrible cheater and sociopath, and most recently one has treated me like GOLD....well, to a point. Really good guy overall and soooo the opposite of the other dude in all the right ways. Good soul. What they both have in common is jealousy. Jealousy when I go to the gym(is this going to be a recurring issue I face with men??? That they can't handle me going to the gym??), and jealousy in terms of LH. It's more outright with the recent guy..... Literally he took a shower here and put the picture of LH and I face down that I have in there. Wtf??? Grow some balls! WHY do these men feel in competition with LH? Why not celebrate him with me(or don't....just don't do or say stupid shit in the first place) as someone who made me into the woman I am today?? And understand he is someone who is DEAD......not coming back. Not someone to feel threatened by!!! I just don't get it. Can't imagine going into someone's home and putting their dead family picture face down. My god. In what world is this okay????

I guess I disappeared from this board for a while now..... I've been pretty busy with school and I guess losing my mind. I had got involved with that guy 3 months after my loss(July 2015) and really thought that I was building something good and positive for my future and I was really optimistic early on in my loss..... I had a lot of stamina and Hope. And then 14 months into the relationship(23dec 2016) I terminated it on the grounds that he was dishonest.....then I learned that he had been cheating on me the entire time....... It's still mind fucking with me...... I feel like all of this progress that I thought that I was building was a sham. All of the grief work that I was doing and forward movement I was making..... None of it was real.... I mean it felt real and it would have been real if what he was giving me was real but it wasn't real..... It was all bullshit. I can acutely remember feeling joy in September of 2016.... He had just met my parents and my brother who all came in from out of the area.... And I felt Joy which I didn't know I could feel..... But it was all bullshit. The day before and the day after he was fucking other bitches and soliciting women off of Craigslist for sex. And then somehow I ended up in contact with him again when my car broke down and I had no one else to reach out to and help me. You see. I'm something of a hermit. I don't have friends. My family all lives far away. I have no one. Literally. I am a student so financially I really don't have great options. It started off as just a functional thing..... Where I thought to myself, I should logically keep this person around as much as I'm disgusted by him completely..... He is a resource that I can't afford to dispose of..... He owes me after all doesn't he? What's the harm in allowing him to pay me back something that he can never actually fully Pay back? He has of course been under the impression that he could win me back and I have of course been under the impression that that is impossible and I am simply keeping him around because he serves a purpose. And I regret to say that that purpose is beyond functional now. It is now dysfunctional. Dysfunctional because at this point I simply don't want to be alone.. He is a vile and disgusting human being and is doing a disservice to my grief process. I am deeply hungry for a real relationship and I deeply want to be a wife again. I am lonely and I'm close to Rock Bottom. I am losing my mind it seems. I am losing hope bit by bit day by day. I do not have all of the stamina and the strength that I once had. I no longer see the light and Hope for a different future. I am so stringent in my criteria for what I will and can connect to in a man.... It seems impossible to even ask for. I asked myself what will happen if I cease contact with this dirtbag..... My fear is that I will really and truly break rock bottom because I will be isolated. My sliver of Hope is that it will be a catalyst of change and even if it is extremely painful I hope that it will be what I need. But the idea of having absolutely nobody to even talk to..... Is such a terrifying Prospect. I don't know how to express that. Whenever I get the courage to expel this person from my life I will literally have nobody. I will be confronted with the same position that I was in when my husband died. I will be in the position of having nobody again. I am telling you this..... Mankind humankind is not meant to be alone.... We are meant to have companionship and friendship and love in one form or another. We are meant to have touch and intimacy..... Soul connection. When I connected with my own husband I felt the burden of the lack of these things finally lifted and I felt truly human and whole and complete, and i grew and I blossomed into the best version of myself that I have ever known. I have clung to that person as strongly as I can since his death. And it is becoming harder and harder and harder with each day to hold on to that person because in spirit I am completely alone. I have the warm body and listening ear of this dirtbag and soon enough I won't even have those. I diidn't used to allow myself to miss my husband. But I can no longer help it. I have gone from being so completely numb..... To feeling the pain of his absence everyday. I used to have such abundant hope for the future and I felt such deep conviction that my purpose in life was not over it had only changed form and shape and I was excited to see what Form and shape it would take. I'm not happy in this new life. I've been trying so hard. I am ashamed of where I am still in contact with this dirtbag. But I also feel like then my husband left this Earth, he also left me in this fucking position. He left me to the Wolves in sheep's clothing. I just wish she could have held on longer and I wish that he could have hurt just a little bit less so that I wouldn't have to hurt so deeply. I thought that I would be fine and I thought that I would find the positive but all that positive. I feel like I should be further along by now. I guess I just didn't know where else to go with this. Life just isn't what it should be is it?

Well I've only met two. My initial thought is that I want to meet soon, within a week or two. But the current guy I'm corresponding with.....its not gonna work to meet for another week or two. I think we have been talking for two weeks now. We had two or three loooooong phone conversations like......two or more hours each lol. Minimal texting through the week as he has been busier and so have I. Somehow, it feels fine. Normally I'd call it off, but the way we interact feels more like old friends who can pick up after months or years. I like that and I feel at ease even thhough timing isn't what I would like it to be. We shall see what happens. It may turn into nothing but I kinda like this ride even if that's the case.

Cute cute, everyone here is so cute.

Bunny you are absolutely right. My LH had debilitating ptsd to begin with, so his reactions were pretty severe and don't represent normal folk....but nevertheless, they exemplified the worst of just what you are describing. Just a horrible human being when his anxiety levels were sky high. I'll never forget driving him to the ER one night and he actually grabbed the steering wheel because he freaked out feeling like I wasn't driving fast enough (to be fair, I wasnt driving fast enough....I was a novice driver at the time) .....scary times. The next time I took him to the ER he was drunk and that was much easier. He was a happy camper lol

#1 who said he'd do anything to make you happy is the one you should drop first, that's a red flag. The other two might be worth some time. Take care, Rob T Rob that's funny, you caught that too. I had the same thought but I wondered if maybe I was being too cynical especially after dating a pathological liar who used the same line....it just sounded like too familiar of a tune.

Ugh, I'm sorry. This sounds like a pretty strained and stressful and confusing situation.... :-/ How frustrating. I hope some clarity comes into the picture soon...

Sunshine, big congrats. I love to hear what a beautiful thing you are experiencing. I think probably most of us met our late spouses organically instead of online....so I think most of us can relate to that feeling. I will never forget the process of spying my husband early on and getting so excited at each juncture to get closer and closer to him. Its just a different way of getting to know someone compared to online. You get to enjoy some mystery in the beginning. So cool. So enjoy it for the rest of us out here doing the online thing ;-)

Well it's past my bedtime so I will keep this short. NG2 and I have been seeing each other for 3.5weeks now after meeting off Match. Folks, I am so excited. Like genuinely "holy shit I found the glass fucking slipper". That kinda thing. More than ever I know it can fall apart in the blink of an eye and I know shit can flip and he could be Looney. But for now I'm getting excited.... Could not really do that with NG1. Ng2 actually is reminding me a bit of LH.....in all the right ways. I feel at home with him......and he feels at home with me.

This just made me smile. Inspiration comes from the strangest places sometimes doesn't it?

Wow, lots of people have two FB accounts? Omg. What a joke. Only people trying to decieve and conceal have two FB accounts. Classic.

Wow I am surprised he was forward about this. Kudos for the honesty I guess?

Congrats on how far you have come 😊

Oh crap. Yeah. Sad.

I think hiding a profile can end up not meaning much other than ones ability to focus on multiple people. I'm a one at a time person..... So I hid mine completely after a few meet-ups with the latest guy. Doesn't mean I want to marry him tomorrow, just that I am focused on him right now. His is still up and active a few days ago. I don't really care. We haven't had a talk of exclusivity yet, and I am not worrying about it. It didn't occur to me til reading your post that I could be sending a strong message by hiding my profile. On the other hand the dirtbag I dated for a year had hidden his profile after one date but was still fucking around with a zillion women online for our entire relationship. Meanwhile he had made sure early on that I was only talking to him......hmmmm lol So as someone else mentioned, hiding the profile can also just mean he just doesn't want you to know he is still looking elsewhere

Congrats! I am happy for you! It sounds like this is lining up for you as a really good thing for you on a lot of levels! Looking forward to hearing how your relationship journey progresses with time 😊

This has been a weird ride. I'm trying to get some entertainment out of it though. I will admit, I am a bit of a sick puppy myself.... Like a cougar that kills a rabbit and plays with the half-dead rabbit for a while before eating it and moving on. I get some satisfaction playing fuck-fuck games with this sicko. It wasn't hard for me to get him to let me do a complete pull of material off his phone..... Recovering deleted text messages and the whole nine yards. I did that around ten days ago or so. So I confirmed what should be obvious, that he was doing this witchcraft the whole time we were together...... And clearly meeting up with these women too. One of them even knew what car I drive. I really enjoyed watching his discomfort after I told him what I was doing with his phone. I know I'm sick. But seeing the blood leave his face and his inability to even look me in the face for the whole 30mins it took for the data transfer to happen. Lol. It warmed my soul a bit. Maybe I'm not dead inside after all 😉 He keeps emailing saying he will DO ANYTHING to get me back. So I told him I really need a new vehicle, something with 4wd.....and that he could PayPal the funds to me. Lol hahaha. Also told him I would love a unicorn, been wanting one since I was a little girl. Basically I am ignoring his emails for days at a time and I get about 15 per day. Then I fuck with him a short bit and then ignore again. Before I lose interest in screwing with him, any ideas from anyone? Lol. Soon I will be done messing with him though. School just started again and I have less spare time hehe.

I'm sorry Mikeytee. Another SOS here.... Thinking of you and wishing you strength during this time.

Well I jumped on match again about a week ago. But I kept my profile in "hidden" mode so that men couldn't contact me or see my profile unless I had initiated some kind of contact with them. Honestly most of the profiles seemed like duds. It was actually kinda discouraging. I just felt like "oh my Gawd I am better off alone I think". Which I guess is not the worst way to feel.... After the wacko I just ditched, I feel really okay with being alone for now....strange concept after being widowed....but the bad profiles just reinforced that feeling. But I saw one fella who really caught my attention with what he wrote, and it turns out what I wrote really resonated with him too. Blah blah blah turns out he is a Persian gulf vet & 14yr navy guy, wants to live as far outside of the city as possible just like me.... Lives a very similar lifestyle to me and to the way LH was raised also. We went on a date yesterday and it was a hit. :-) Actually he initiated a lot of curiosity about LH and I didn't feel weird talking about LH at all. The give and take of our whole date felt very balanced. It was great to talk to someone familiar with the VA and all the veteran craziness. He even had inquired about how LH and I met, and smiled and laughed at the story. I felt like I was in the twilight zone.....especially after dating a guy who fundamentally did not respect LH or my decision to be with LH as long as I was. This guy point blank told me how much he respected what I went through with LH, etc. Having that understanding off the bat is a really good place to be starting. Anyway. A good experience. We'll see where this goes.

Yeah, I think your thought process is on to something.... And also, I think whenever a situation is "the one" we don't even think about the messy details. The old "where there's a will there's a way" comes into effect. It sounds like you already feel like you know what needs to be done.

I'm sorry you are in such a difficult and conflicting position.... I hope that "the way" somehow becomes more clear for you.

I successfully changed my phone number. He does have my email address and has sent a lot of emails begging and pleading. Somehow getting the emails isn't as hard to cope with as the texts.....i don't get a notification when I get new email, so I only check it when I want to.....unlike text. I am emotionally detached enough that the emails aren t upsetting..... Just insightful to his manipulative ways. Here's a sample of his handy-work: "I have been up all night throwing up again. I wish you would give me that chance to prove to you that I am really that man you have known this time. I have been think a lot about why I did what I did. I have found that yes while I did have fears you were going to break up with me because of my past I have also figured out that in my mind I elevated the issue even more. To a point that wasn't really there. But by doing so I forced myself to my past to start hating women again and disrespecting myself and you. It was never meant to go where it did. But I got caught up in the feeling of being wanted in a strange way. Even though I didn't want to be wanted that way. I felt like something was filling a void that I felt was leaving me and that was you. Even though I knew it was fake and I would never actually go there. It numbed my mind with hate and disgust and at the same time made me disgusted with myself. So I started shutting down mentally with you and I even look back and noticed I was doing it to my family also. [my name] this is not who I truly am not who I want to be towards anyone. I am begging you with ever last ounce of energy to please try to understand this was never about trying to cheat or to get any satisfaction out of any of it. It was only to try to cope with a void I was afraid that was coming. To be disgusted with everything. I am sorry for everything, I'm sorry for ever messaging you on match, because I have hurt you so much and I never wanted to. I truly love you more than anyone except my two boys. I regret that we don't have more time together to plan an amazing life. I regret you not helping raising my two boys with me. I regret not being able to explore with you. I regret not being able to sit and hold you anymore. I regret that I brought my past into our relationship. And most of all I regret not getting to see you anymore. My only hope is by the grace of a fucking miracle, is that somehow you walk back into our lives again and make me the happiest man in the world. I love you to death sexy girl. " "Well I am half way through the book you got me("the pornography trap"). I am serious about this [my name]. I am dead serious about us and our future. I wish you would please stop by on your way home so we can talk. I want to be your husband, I want us to live together, I want us to grow old together. You have gave me so much strength while dealing with my kidney problems. I want you in my life beautiful. I will do anything, hell I would even do some public speaking to groups of people about what I did. I WILL DO ANYTHING. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DONT WALK AWAY. " If he gets mean or something I will stop opening them. But for now no harm done..... Maybe I am sick because some part of me hopes he is actually hurting somehow.....even if he's only hurting because he got caught.

*phew* Gawd. Apparently my phone doesn't allow number blocking.....I tried several apps but none of them work. So I guess this means tomorrow I need to go change my number.....ridiculous. No contact is the way to go.... I have just been rationing the texting bullshit.... Turning my Phone off for hours and then back on again. Each time I respond and it's just exhausting. I even resorted to calling names, which I have never done before. I'm done with the responding now.... Why waste my time and energy? I hate feeling angry, so I just can't allow myself to go There anymore. He keeps trying to say what he did wasn't cheating....and that is soooooooo infuriating to me. Gawd. Thank god for emergency lorazepam, folks. Mizpah yeah, I couldn't believe the dramatic reaction. I kinda view it as a manipulative ploy. Especially since he was lying like crazy still while grovelling. Just like when he sent a picture of him next to the toilet with vomit in it...... Total attempt at manipulation, trying to get me to feel sorry for him. Then the next day he sent a pic of him next to his grandpa's grave "swearing to be honest" lol He's a horrible person. I hope he learns but doubt he will.

Thanks everyone. Its going to be a challenge not to be jaded by this guy. I am hoping to move forward wiser though, instead of callused. Thats my project now. I found out after posting earlier that in fact he had been using Adult Friend Finder for the past two months. That really upset me..... More than I expected. But I have to remind myself it is no reflection of me, only of him. He's a sick puppy. Rob, spot on with earnest honesty being the best way to go. There is much more respect and intimacy generated by that route. This has just been a huge lesson..... Big learning experience for me, and I can be thankful for that much.