Keep feeling just lost and dreadful

[Seagirl]

Ok so a new forum which looks just right for me. 4 months today since my husband died suddenly in a tragic drowning accident. It is just awful. I have 3 children now 8, 10 and 14 and everything is so hard. They are a blessing but also need to be minded as they have lost their daddy. For me the grief is complicated. My husband had been an alcoholic but not had a drink for 3 and half years. I moved from another country to start a life with him 15 years ago to a remote rural area. We built a business, house and family together. 3 years before he died we had a very tough time financially and him dealing with alcohol was difficult. Since he died I have also realised how toxic his family were to our relationship. On reflection he was abusive to me over the years but this intensified during the last 2 years. Our house was built next to his mother. But sadly we were recovering financially, I had had counselling a year and half ago which helped me put myself and things into perspective and just 3 months before he died he started taking anti depressants which was just starting to have a positive effect. The piece that was to come was to rebuild our relationship which I wanted to do.

 

And then he died. The shock was immense. As well as dealing with the business which is muddling along it seems it is issue after issue. His family have behaved terribly from the moment he died. They now are playing the 'we will see your children but ignore you' game, which is on my doorstep as his mother lives so close. I understand that they have lost a brother and son but we have lost a father and husband. And business partner. In addition to the loss I am now a single parent of 3 children and trying to survive financially. Because of the nature of the accident life insurance pay out is possibly an issue.

 

Luckily my parents live nearby, I have a good network of friends and supportive neighbours, staff and community. My despair comes from feeling that I have not been able to grieve, that his family's on going treatment of me has denied this along with all of the responsibilities I have for the children and business. I feel that the clock is ticking and my foundations are rocky, and that there is no breathing space.

 

The inquest was 3 weeks ago and was incredibly difficult. I am normally fairly competent at doing stuff but have felt helpless since the inquest and just want it all to be over. I know it will pass but feel very alone and unsupported. Despite our ups and downs and difficulties we shared everything and I no longer have my husband by my side getting through stuff. I have lost the person who I had worked alongside for so long and whilst his absence has made some things easier I feel overwhelmed to be carrying all this burden alone. We always worked well together and did our best to get along, just writing this is helping me to realise what I have lost and I am incredibly sad so at least by finding this forum I can browse and appreciate that other people are out there with the same unfortunate life event.

[Julester3]

Seagirl,

 

This place is a great place to unload and vent and work out what you are feeling. It's a safe place that though I am relatively new too that I feel I can share and truly say what's on my mind without being judged or frowned upon. It sounds like you have a lot with the kids, unsupportive in-laws and a business. I am glad you have some support. Just know many of us can relate to you on a level most people can't. I know that's why I looked for a site like this because no one around me I know can relate to how I feel and how I function. Hugs for the day to get you going....

[Captains wife]

Seagirl - First of all, I am so so sorry for your loss and what you are dealing with. Please know this Board will be of comfort to you as you navigate through all of this. I wanted to share this with you - my husband died in a boating/drowning accident and the life insurance company launched an inquiry. MAKE SURE you fight for what is rightfully yours - in the end I hired a lawyer and the life insurance moved very fast to pay out after move, and with interest. Make sure your husband is well represented in the inquest and make sure there isn't unfair blame or liability placed on him. I spent a considerable amount of time with this (and I understand how horrible it is) but make sure you and your late husband are being treated fairly. I am now 4+ years out (and have a small child) and I will tell you that although it seems impossible to see this now, time will help heal what happened to you and your family. I wish you all the best....

[Trying]

I am so sorry for your loss and for the added stress of the inquiry.  Unfortunately many of face difficult relationships with inlaws post loss which is sad, distressing and incredibly unfortunate.  I have 3 children who were 9, 15, and 17 when my husband died 3 years ago and I often felt like there was no place for my grief because I was taking care of them, their grief and all of the added responsibilities that used to be my husband's.  Going to my therapist twice a month and coming here were essential for me to give time and attention to my own grief and honestly, 3 years later still very important to my coping.  Carve out whatever time you can for yourself, I would scream in the car or cry in the shower just to get it out so I could continue to hold things together.  There are no short cuts to this process but I think that grief must be dealt with in order to move forward.

 

I hate seeing new names here because it means another person suffering a devastating loss but I'm glad that we can be here to support each other.

[Seagirl]

Thanks for replies - I pulled it together a bit after posting and then got a call from a very supportive friend - maybe she felt my despair.

 

Captain's Wife - I am sorry for your loss and what was clearly a terribly distressing shock and loss - I at least did not have the search scenario as my husband was with 2 other people who immediately recovered him. Our business is on sea and he drowned around our place of work but not working at the time (doing a favour for the two guys). A week and half before the inquest I found a lawyer who had represented the family of a guy in the same business who's brother died in similiar circumstances and we clicked immediately. He is representing me and has put in some incredible work to get us to a verdict of accidental death which was the best result for my husband with no blame. His family attended the inquest but completely ignored me in the court room, all terribly hurtful and I don't think any of them appreciate what was done to get this verdict, the evening before I had 2 divers searching for a piece of my husbands equipment which was not found by the police and other information that had to be reviewed and supplied. The problem is that you are emotionally attached to it all as well as trying to get the result we need for my family's future.

 

With this lawyer I do feel as if I have someone onside and there are people who are trying to help me. It is just the waiting and the fight that I am having to put up for this and having to keep it all low key for the children.

 

Another day got through and this board will definitely help, so thank you to this new community. I will browse and read posts as it is comforting to hear other people's stories and advice but so sad as there are so many of us.