I don't want this life

[InOverMyHead]

I don't want it.. give me back my old life.  I miss him so fucking much I can't stand it.  I cry everyday at work.  I have multiple anxiety attacks a day.  Most of the time I just am living in a constant state of anxiety.  I can't keep my place clean, I can keep up with all the animals, I feel like the worst dog mom ever.  I am about 3 hours late to work at least once a week and I haven't been as dependable as I once was and it makes me feel ashamed.  When I have my panic attacks/grief attacks at work I put my head down on my desk and try to even out my breathing, well one of my co-workers told the CFO (not my direct supervisor) that I was sleeping.. um. No! I'm trying to survive.  I am financially fucked, royally screwed.  My husband's income was so important because my student loans are so outrageous that I could pretty much pay for my student loans, car payments, and some food.  Luckily I paid my rent a year up front or I would have been evicted already.  I'm so fucked once I have to pay rent again.  I would be the worst roommate on the history of the planet so finding a roommate isn't really an option.. unless someone knows someone who is willing to deal with someone crying all day/night.  Fuck.  16 months out this is supposed to be getting better, not worse.

 

 

 

FFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jen]

I hear you. I hate this life, hate it with every fiber of my being. I'm 30 months out and it's no easier. Recently I lost pretty much all the progress I'd made in climbing out of hell, and I'm right back in the abyss. I cry, I scream into my pillows, I whine to friends and my therapist. I'm so lonely I want to die, but I can barely stand being around other people. I have virtually no motivation-- it's not laziness so much as inertia. Why waste energy when there's no point in doing anything? The only thing I really look forward to anymore is an end to all of it.

 

I know-- I KNOW-- this is a terrible, horrible attitude. I'll likely get flamed for it. But you have to understand-- I tried. I tried very, very hard to make something resembling a new life. I threw myself into it, thinking that I was honoring my Jim's memory by paying it forward and helping others the best I could. It drained me, it took everything out of me, and now I'm just an empty shell. I have no idea how to put the pieces of my broken self back together-- I was already shattered, I'd managed to cobble things back together, and now those pieces have been scattered and crushed to dust. There's just nothing left to repair.

 

I'm sorry that I'm not good at adopting a positive attitude. I can't find anything to like about this life now-- it's just drudgery. I don't remember how to be happy-- it's such a distant memory, it might as well have been someone else.

 

I hope someone else who's in a better place can post and tell you something useful. All I can do is tell you I'm here, I hear you, and I understand. Hugs, if they help.

[InOverMyHead]

I'm so lonely I want to die, but I can barely stand being around other people.

 

I don't remember how to be happy-- it's such a distant memory, it might as well have been someone else.

 

YESSS!!! This is everything.  I do have great friends who try to help me a lot and in generally do a great job, but then I get home and I'm alone again.. well as alone as you can be with 4 pets lol

 

I actually had someone tell me it was obvious I gained weight.. well no shit.  I eat my feelings.. I'm allowed to be fat. It's not like I'm trying to impress anyone.. That was off topic but I just wanted to say it lol

[serpico]

I hear you. I hate this life, hate it with every fiber of my being. I'm 30 months out and it's no easier. Recently I lost pretty much all the progress I'd made in climbing out of hell, and I'm right back in the abyss. I cry, I scream into my pillows, I whine to friends and my therapist. I'm so lonely I want to die, but I can barely stand being around other people. I have virtually no motivation-- it's not laziness so much as inertia. Why waste energy when there's no point in doing anything? The only thing I really look forward to anymore is an end to all of it.

 

I know-- I KNOW-- this is a terrible, horrible attitude. I'll likely get flamed for it. But you have to understand-- I tried. I tried very, very hard to make something resembling a new life. I threw myself into it, thinking that I was honoring my Jim's memory by paying it forward and helping others the best I could. It drained me, it took everything out of me, and now I'm just an empty shell. I have no idea how to put the pieces of my broken self back together-- I was already shattered, I'd managed to cobble things back together, and now those pieces have been scattered and crushed to dust. There's just nothing left to repair.

 

I'm sorry that I'm not good at adopting a positive attitude. I can't find anything to like about this life now-- it's just drudgery. I don't remember how to be happy-- it's such a distant memory, it might as well have been someone else.

 

I hope someone else who's in a better place can post and tell you something useful. All I can do is tell you I'm here, I hear you, and I understand. Hugs, if they help.

 

There is no need for anyone to 'flame' you, but I certainly hope you are getting whatever professional help is available to you. It sounds like you are in a horrible place, and I hate to hear that you've essentially given up on life. I'll be thinking of you.

[Julester3]

It is so hard to maintain a positive outlook for any extended amount of time. I am just at this "meh" feeling. I am sad, disappointed, and angry. I understand I couldn't control the situation and there wasn't anything we could have done to change the outcome but I still hate it. I'm in the "it's not fucking fair" pity party phase and I avoid a lot just to not deal. I haven't packed up or given anything away. Everything is exactly as it would be in case he walked through the door, for the exception of all his nerdy tees. My 13 year old likes to wear them and they give her comfort.

 

I honestly don't emote anymore. It takes too much effort. I am good at sounding upbeat for the kids and the coworkers but the look on my face and my many new gray hairs sticking out of my dark brown hair, I'm looking even more tired than usual at my meager 41 years old. I wish sleep would be restful but it's not. So I function and I keep chugging along but I too feel just like an empty shell of a person.

 

I will be thinking of both of you. It's hard when your in a dark place. I think having my girls around me keeps me from going there but it means I simply suffer in other ways.