Almost 3 months - random thoughts and vents

[Sirin]

It's been almost 3 months since my husband died very suddenly of a heart attack. He was in his early thirties, we didn't have any children, only dogs.  Both of our families live half-a-country away. The first several weeks my house was full of people who all came out (which was really stressful in itself, we were homebodies who never even invited anyone over much, and I had to escape the house several times in order to get some time to myself).  Now, everyone's been back to their lives for a couple of months now, and other then work, I am mostly alone with my dogs every evening. 

 

There aren't many people I can really talk to about this process of grieving, and I get a feeling that many don't even want to know.  I went to a therapist and a couple of support groups a couple of times, but didn't get too much out of it.  Most of the people in the support group lost their spouses after spending most of their lives together, and I couldn't relate.

 

One of the strangest sensations is that I don't have any hopes and dreams for the future, I'm truly living "in the moment".  It's like when my husband died, my future died with him.  I don't know what I am now, or what I will be.  Right now I fill a lot of my free time with "home improvement" stuff, somehow it feels therapeutic. 

 

I went back to work full-time 2.5 weeks after his death, and I have never been comfortable showing emotions in front of other people, so I act totally "normal" at work, smiling/doing my work/going on about my day.  I can only be "me" when I am home alone in the evening.  Some of my coworkers seemed surprised at how "normal" I acted, or I got comments about how "strong" I am, or how I handle it with such "grace". I don't even know how to react to that.  Did they expect me to go into work and start tearing my hair out and wail by the water fountain?...I don't want to do any sort of "grief performance" for anyone.  People have no idea.

 

I've been having more and more "good" days in the past few weeks, but then a few days ago I actually got sick with a bad cold, and it just broke me emotionally - because I suddenly was hit with the realization that I can be sick, and feel like shit - and there is no one anymore who would know, or care, or make me a cup of hot tea, or hold me - none of that.  No one exists anymore who is a "witness" to my life, who knows me as I am, who loves me completely.  That sense of loneliness and isolation just takes my breath away - even though I have always thought of myself as a pretty solitary/introverted person.  But this is a whole other level.

 

 

[JeanGenie]

Sirin, I'm glad you reached out to us because we "get it". I'm 3 yrs out now, but so recall those early months where you are currently. There are still times today when I hate to hear "how strong I am"...as you said, do they expect us to break down and fall apart. The reality is what other choice do we have but to simply put one foot in front of the other and navigate this new life we've been forced into.

 

What you are feeling is normal...the loneliness, the feeling of isolation, the lack of hope and dreams for the future. At 3 months, just focus on each day. Trying to envision your future is too overwhelming.

 

Yes, a cold will weaken you and your emotions...and who else knows what else might trigger the same reaction. But it's good to reach out to those of us here. I've made some terrific friends via this board, some that I've been able to connect with in person as well. They have been my life line and I hope we can do the same for you as well.

 

Take care of that cold of yours, get rest, and remember...one hour at a time, one day at a time.

 

[Maverick86]

I am so glad I finally found someone I can relate to. My boyfriend also passed away of a heart attack very unexpectedly. He was 30. We were supposed to grow old together and now he is gone. I just miss him so much. I can relate to everything you said. I'm going back to work this Monday and it will be a little less than three weeks since he passed.

 

I'm sorry you are experiencing this as well, I wouldn't wish this on anybody. It is an unimaginable pain I never thought I would have to go through. Feel free to message me anytime if you need someone to talk to.

[Blue green]

My goodness, so much of this is exactly what I'm going through too. It'll be 12 weeks tomorrow since I lost my husband to a stroke. He would've been 38 the next day. We have three sons as well as three dogs though. Everyone told me I was so strong too. I call it numb. The numb has worn off mostly. I was even sick last weekend, along with two of my boys--and it gave me such a setback. ...realizing even more that I'm on my own. No family within 4 1/2 hours. Jamie was my best friend and only truly trusted confidant. I totally relate to how you feel--no one to witness my life. No one to say---get this!!--to and have them absolutely get it. I don't know what the future holds, but I try to be positive and hope for things to get better. I have very low days and then things get better for a while. It seems random to me. Thank you for putting your thoughts and feelings out there for the rest of us to connect to. I truly do feel the same.

[TornApart]

That is so exactly what I went through too, except I was 33 with 2 cats. (((Sirin))) I'm also pretty independent and like alone time. But this is something way past 'alone' on any scale. I have to say I felt completely abandoned.

 

You had someone that had your back, and now you are alone. It is just the shittiest feeling. Crushing. Dehabilitating. No one to help when there is some drama with pets, or the house or sorting out his estate. Also, the loss of memory - when you could just ask your husband where you were when some event happened, or what year it was that this happened...

 

I'm almost 4 years out now. I still get those feelings, but less often and less intensely. It took me a long while to adjust, but the hardest but most helpful thing was learning to ask people for help, especially in the first year. People want to help, but don't know how, so they appreciate when you tell them what they can do to help. But do prepare yourself just in case they let you down. It can happen, and can be really disappointing and painful in amidst all the emotional pain that you are in, so it takes a lot of courage to ask again.

 

And now I am proud how I learnt to cope by myself. It's a bit ridiculous, but I kept telling myself / singing 'independent woman' to encourage myself to keep going and figuring out how to do the stuff he used to do for me. YouTube can be a blessing with all kinds of explanations on how to do stuff. I was in tears of frustration and depression at the time, but I made it. Every time I had to call a handyman / tradesman in to help, I would drive him mad by asking questions, which both helped me in the future and was a distraction.

 

It is just awful. Agony. I know telling you 'you will be fine' doesn't help at all right now. I'm truly sorry.

 

[Sirin]

Thank you all so much for your replies!

 

Just had my birthday last week, and that was pretty rough emotionally, but I'm ok today.  Also went to the store and re-stocked my medicine cabinet (so that next time I get sick, I won't have to go to the pharmacy for the simplest things - I didn't even have Tylenol in the house, and what I did have was expired anyways).