ScorpioGirl Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 My husband died May 2015. In the last few months I started to feel like I would like to meet someone, mainly for company, friendship, intimacy. I tried online but didn't meet anyone I felt like I wanted to pursue. While online I came across a man who used to work with my husband so he kind of knows me but not well. So...as it turns out neither of us are online or seeing anyone else and for a while we have been getting together for sex. Not just sex...there is chatting, cuddling, spending time. His view is that he's happy to continue a physical relationship 'until' I meet someone I want to date. The trouble is, and I'm sure this happens all the time, of course I have deeper feelings for him and I'm really not interested in the slightest of looking for someone else. Plus....the sex is out of this world....I had only slept with my husband so not much experience to compare it to but I can't imagine it getting any better. So what do I do? Tell him how I feel and risk him freaking and bolting....or just carry it on and maybe get my heart broken? I guess I was a bit naive and thought I could handle it but looks like I was wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeanGenie Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 Sounds like there's the possibility of getting your heart broken either way--by telling him and him bolting or continuing and not have the feelings reciprocated. As we know, life is too short, so I'm a believer in being honest and just telling him how you're feeling. Maybe he's feeling the same way, or maybe not. But since YOUR feelings have changed, I'd let him know. And who knows, maybe he has deeper feelings for you as well! You won't know unless you say something though. I wish you luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daysofelijah Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 Better to break it off now than to get your heart in deeper and more hurt. It seems some guys can just do the FWB things w/o emotions, but I don't think there are many women who can. I thought going into my first relationship 2.5 years after dh died I'd be fine if if turned into something that was just FWB, but now I know I wouldn't. And I'm so glad there is love now between us and an equal commitment. I also had only been with my dh and really, really just wanted to have sex, seriously I know how your felt. But sex w/o emotions just isn't really possible for many of us. And you don't deserve any less than a relationship where you feel equally invested, and continuing to give more of yourself to someone who has made it clear all he wants is sex and companionship is only going to hurt you more. And while you are investing yourself into him, someone else who maybe be more right for you may be overlooked because you are wasting time with this guy. Best of luck in your difficult decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nonesuch Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 When I was in your position, I told my friend I was breaking off with him. The longer I stayed, the more I felt for him. I was just happy enough to stop looking. I knew for a fact that we lived too far apart and we didn't have enough in common philosophically. He's still a friend. I have lunch with him every few months. He wants to be with me, and he wants me to be happy. The second thought overrode the first. I didn't want long distance, and I didn't want "Mr Right Now." I'd rather be alone than pining for someone who's only a part-time lover. (Is that the title of a song? Yup,showing my age) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forgottenwife Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 The trouble is, and I'm sure this happens all the time, of course I have deeper feelings for him and I'm really not interested in the slightest of looking for someone else. Plus....the sex is out of this world....I had only slept with my husband so not much experience to compare it to but I can't imagine it getting any better. So what do I do? Tell him how I feel and risk him freaking and bolting....or just carry it on and maybe get my heart broken? Only you can answer this. My heart goes out to you to be falling in love with someone that is pretty casual about it. I guess since you are asking for advice? I say tell him. You deserve to have what you want in life and if that is love and a firm commitment and out of this world sex, then go get it! He's either in or out. There is nothing wrong with wanting something deeper than 'a physical relationship until you find someone you want to date.' Huh? I'd just tell him I want to date him! And only him! Then he gets to choose. You never know what his reaction will be, maybe he is falling for you too. But this is so easy for me to say on this side of things, its not my heart on the line. FWB is not for everyone, we are all different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtokam Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 Yes, be honest and tell him how you feel. He may or may not feel the same and you need to be ready for either. Wanting and needing sex, cuddling, chatting, and companionship is completely normal and ok. Have you ever discussed what the relationship is? What you expect from each other? It's better to know up front and then if things change, be up front with that too. You need to be comfortable with whatever it is. If it's not the same needs on both sides then it will lead to someone's heart bring broken. It's just inevitable. Yes, you may lose some incredible sex and companionship if he doesn't feel the same way and you end it. But would you rather get hurt even more further down the road? Not an easy situation at all but you need to guard your heart. You come first. Remember that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bear Tomás Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 "Tell him how I feel and risk him freaking and bolting." Do you want to risk this? It may be a huge mistake. Personally, I can only handle being a friend with benefits. The serious shit scares the crap out of me and I do whatever I can to sabotage it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobFTC Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 I guess I'm the anti-Bear - I can't give myself to someone sexually without the relationship having some solidity and commitment. So I don't have to think much about friends with benefits opportunities. Take care, Rob T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 If you aren't down with FWB, be honest. You aren't doing him or yourself any favors. He will continue to think you are okay with it and then 'boom'! You may boil over one day and he'll be caught off-guard. It won't be easy for sure, but better to get it all out in the open. Worst case scenario - he bolts now. Even worse - you don't say anything and resentment and weirdness grows between the two of you. Better scenario - he bolts, thinks about it, and comes round again because he really likes you as well. Stranger things have happened As an aside, I was widowed for a second time early this year. I knew fairly quickly that I wanted to date (LH had been very sick for quite a while so my mourning had started before he actually died). I made it clear to NG early on that I don't share, meaning I wasn't interested in FWB intimacy and that sex meant a lot to me. Better to be up-front, I suggest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widowat33 Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 Fwb is something I thought I would never do...until I realized I was not ready for a relationship, but missed sex. It is very hard to keep feelings separate from something so intimate. Especially if you are spending time together, cuddling, etc... I'm a believer of honesty and being open. If it were me I would tell him how I feel and if he did not feel the same, try to move on..but I realize this is easier said than done. There was one guy who I started developing feelings for but knew in no way that it could become more than what it was. We would not be compatible. I think with him it happened because we did hang out as well, cuddled and did a lot of relationship type things. I still see him sometimes, but keep it very casual now. I am also seeing other guys which I think helps keep those feelings at bay. It can be a tricky situation. I wouldn't feel comfortable to have sex with just anyone and like to develop some kind of connection beforehand. All of my fwb have been very likeable guys who I feel comfortable with. I do not have feelings for them and know that it will not become more than what it is, so for me it's been pretty easy so far. I think it's common for one or both people to end up liking each other more in this situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScorpioGirl Posted November 5, 2016 Author Share Posted November 5, 2016 Thanks for all the honest advice....I appreciate it. So....I bit the bullet and confessed to him how I feel. That I want to spend more time with him (out of bed) and get to know him better, and most importantly that I'm not interested in looking for anyone else because I like him...and I love how he makes me feel. He didn't really say much, not that he feels the same but he did say that he wants something more than casual, that he would like us to be exclusive seeing each other, and he is keen to spend time together. So I'm glad I talked to him, I don't for 100% know what will happen with us but I feel like we will be able to give it the best chance now anyway. I feel like the pressure is off me and I can just relax and enjoy him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemperFidelis Posted November 5, 2016 Share Posted November 5, 2016 Congrats scorpiogirl on taking the leap to be honest. Sounds like it went well ::-) Keep us posted on how things develop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted November 5, 2016 Share Posted November 5, 2016 Congrat's Scorpio! All the best! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bear Tomás Posted November 5, 2016 Share Posted November 5, 2016 Remember FWB is "friends" first. 8) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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