A Journal of sorts?

[Mikenter]

I'm on chat nearly 24/7, just say my name to notify me.

 

I'm Michael, twenty-three years old. I was married to Miranda May 16, 2014. She passed at twenty-one on November 07, 2016. I do have a short introductory post http://widda.org/index.php/topic,5.msg34225.html#msg34225.

 

I'll start this off by vowing to never lie, because the clearest perception of me on this board the better.

 

The accident. This requires some background. Her and I were into some kinky things, including BDSM and choking. It was Monday, I had work that day. I was going to go drop off the dealer plates on the new car I had just got the last week, but I didn't have the right screwdriver to take it off. So I headed home first. I get home and look at the mail, thinking maybe she didn't here me come in. I look into the other room and I see her hanging from the lower part of our closet (about waist height). She would do something like this when I was around, but wasn't supposed to do anything dangerous while I was at work. She would have the tie tied up, and on her knees balance on her vibrator while getting slightly choked by the tie. Well something went wrong when she was doing this by herself. She was limp. Her vibrator was still on. I rushed to her and got her down starting cpr, but immediately ran back out to my car for my phone. I called 911 running back in. I got back to her as they picked up and I lifted her up, vomit got all over both of us. I started cpr again until EMS arrived. They worked on her for... I really couldn't tell how long. But I already knew. I knew when I saw her hanging there limp. The rest of this week. Mostly a blur.

 

I have the most wonderful support around me with a very close friend taking me in, many other amazing friends, my parents beside me the whole way, my employer who gave me three weeks off, pto donations from co workers, and a slew of other things. I could not be more lucky, given the circumstances. Honestly it makes me feel a little guilty reading through the forums. Everyone really loved her though, she just had that affect on people.

 

That was all hard enough to write. I'll come back with more things on my mind later.

 

Edit: Marriage date

[Kaycee]

Hi Mikenter. I am so sorry that this happened. Its not easy I know but you are not alone.

[Julester3]

Hugs to you. An accident is an accident. It doesn't change the grieving process. I'm glad you have such great support.

[Mikenter]

Thank you both. I'm really glad I found this community so early. 

 

So I don't really know what my plan for this topic was, but I guess just a place to write my thoughts on things at more length than I would in chat? I'm not sure.

 

On Thinking vrs Doing

So today was one week after my wife passed. In that time I was being driven around by either my parents or my friend, and generally wasn't out alone. I had been alone at my friends flat, where I'm staying, but not out in public. Last night I drove my car over instead of getting a ride. I went out to the store to pick up a few items to make lunch. It started good but quickly I started to feel very anxious, like I couldn't breathe. It was a quick trip and luckily they had self checkout. I sat shaking in my car for a few minutes before I felt like I could drive.

 

I really didn't think anything of the trip before I went out. Just going to the store. I didn't expect something simple like that to be so difficult. It got me to notice though, thinking is much easier than doing. I can be aware that I have to plan a new future, but if I actually look at the college website I feel ill. I forced myself through my budget, especially the mortuary service parts. Simple things I don't think of as hard, become  difficult tasks. And that's the easy stuff...

 

On top of that I had to drive to the mortuary place to collect her ashes, pay for the urns and a necklace, and finish up an obituary (Honestly this is for her mother). Luckily several people were in chat so I was hiding in chat most of the time. I don't know what I felt, just kind of numb. But I wanted out of there, out of public. It just felt like there was pressure all around me, like at the bottom of a pool. I raced back to my friends flat (as fast as a 3 cyln races). I wasn't expecting outside to feel so assaulting.

 

At least I've been eating!

[Julester3]

I have a journal I started on my laptop. I write as I need to and usually it's just to work things out in my head and I pretend I'm talking to my husband.

 

I totally get that going out anxiety. When I went out I felt an immense feeling of being incomplete as if that changed my outward appearance somehow. I was no longer comfortable being out in public especially in town. I admit I would send one of my sisters out for me the first week. I just couldn't go out and face my neighbors or chance running into an acquaintance. I was so uncomfortable and I couldn't explain the circumstances over and over. It was painful having to repeat myself to everyone. I just don't like being the center of attention even when I was PTA president or whatever. I just sucked it up and did what I had to so I could get it done and over with. Now when I go out, I work hard not to make eye contact to avoid stopping for small talk.

 

Eating is the easy part .. however, tasting the food is another matter. For me, it's like there is no flavor anymore. But, I recognize I need to eat and I do.

[Mikenter]

@Julester3 Yeah my parents have been the front me for me through this ordeal. They dealt with the outside world and gave me the information to make decisions. Of course I had to deal with some of it, but a lot of calling and, explaining the situation was handled by them.

 

I'm not looking forward to work. Everyone is going to ask what happened and what can I say? How do you explain in a way that doesn't seem crazy that your wife accidentally hung herself? And without, disparaging her honor or whatever.

 

Really I'm just going to say she had an accident while I was at work, and I came home to find her. It's none of their damn business. I can expect some of my co-workers to be nosy and ask questions. I hope I'm ready for that. Plus I work cleaning the public areas of a hotel, so if this feeling keeps up I may be in trouble. I could possibly get a transfer to laundry, which would be a little less public.

 

I'm really tired and can't concentrate, so I hope this made coherent sense. 

[SoVerySad]

Mikenter, I'm so sorry for the loss of you wife. You are correct that it is no one's business regarding the circumstances of your wife's death. You aren't beholden to offer an explanation to anyone. You can simply say you went home and found her dead. If they press for more info, tell them you are too heartbroken to talk about her death right now.

 

Going to the store has proven to be very difficult for many of us in the early months after the loss of our spouses. It surprised me how hard it was as well. I'm not sure why that is so, but I just wanted you to know that is not uncommon. I'm so sorry you have reason to be here, but will share that being part of a community like this where people understand how hard and confusing it can be literally saved my life. I hope you will find it a source of comfort and refuge as well.

 

Hugs....

[Mikenter]

Mobile post.

 

I'm now 8 hours from home, in Ohio for her memorial service for her side of the family. I don't know much of her family, and don't like those that I do know. I just really do not want to be here. I have been freaking out internally just randomly. I've been on the brink of a panic attack several times. The drive was hard enough. I can't explain how I'm feeling in the least. It just devolves into "fuck fuck ffjd huh j si I can't v handle this"... I just can't. I can't do this much interaction. I can't do it I can't do it. I just don't want to wake up tomorrow.

 

Today has not been one of my best so far...

[Laura1612]

Mikenter, I hear you. I am two weeks out and don't want to wake up either. I have to go to a memorial eight hours from home in two weeks because that's what my husband's parents want (where he grew up). I'll have something in our current hometown at a later date. The thought of interacting with even people I love is horrid. Laura