Laura1612

Monique, I am seven months out, and I feel much the same way you do all the time. Especially the part about being overwhelmed with life. I want to die but I'm not going to kill myself. I'm just so exhausted from getting up and breathing every day. Laura

I'm at six months, and I still wear mine and his! I know I'll be ready to take them off at some point, but not yet, and I don't care what anyone thinks!

Oh Mel, I'm so sorry . I remember when I first posted here two days after my husband died at age 43. That was five months ago. I could not believe that I would ever feel any better. But I do feel better, sort of. It happened, whether or not I wanted it to. As people have said, it's really not better, it just gets easier to deal. You cope better. You understand the pain and it's less horrifying and intrusive. I often compare it to the film The Babadook, which I think is about grief (the protagonist is a widow with a child). The Babadook is grief: a scary monster that you have to face. Eventually you chain it up in the basement. You can hear it rattling sometimes but you can ignore it and live your life, and even smile. Other times, the Babadook rattles and screams so loudly you have to go and feed it. It's scary and sad to face him, but you do. Then he quiets. We are here to listen. And anything you feel is normal. Laura

You are not alone! Five months out, his toothbrush is still there, closets full, and I haven't unpacked the suitcase from his last trip to the hospital ... that we assumed he was coming home from. You aren't crazy. Well, we are all a little crazy after this hell. Laura

Hi Missing, I'm so sorry you have to be here. We have a similar situation. My husband died at 43 on Nov. 3 of last year ... right ON my mom's birthday. Ugh. So I'm barely a month ahead of you in this sucky situation. I'm hanging in there and actually doing OK sometimes. I'm finally having a party for him (it's a party, not a funeral or celebration of life) this weekend. Lots of family and friends coming from out of town. This will mark a turning point for me. Even after three months, my friends have picked up the load and are doing all the party planning for me. There's so much I'm learning how to do as well. I made the money, he handled the stuff around the house. Now I have to learn to fix that stuff. It's not that I can't do it, it's that I don't WANT to do it. But oh well. I either die or move forward. Hugs to you. Laura

Yup, been there. I am just under three months out. I thought I had moved past those feelings, but over the last week the grief combined with real life has been so exhausting I have had the thoughts again. But now I know they can pass. Hugs to you. Laura

Hi Merle, I think for the first month I just dealt with the lack of sleep or strange sleep patterns. I didn't want any drugs in the house that I could possibly overdose on (I was pretty fragile). So I just accepted I couldn't sleep and moved through it. I was shitty at work. For some reason though, I wasn't as tired as I thought I would be because I couldn't sleep even if I try. Now I sleep better two and a half months out, but I still can't get to bed on time. In other words, I dread going to bed and having that time before sleep when I think of him. I guess I'm not helping. But you aren't alone in this. Laura

Hi Katie, I'm sorry for your loss and that you have had to join us. Keep posting. We are here and listening. It sucks very much, doesn't it? My husband was just 43 when he died Nov. 3, 2016. Laura

Mrs. Reader, Oh yes. I felt like I was moving forward and the last two days have brought me back to awful. Crying all the time, not getting to work on time. So yes, I think this is normal! Laura

Hi Julie, I'm sorry you are joining us. I am a little more than two months out. I have relived every aspect of my husband's death, but it was illness. I really suggest that you don't look at those photos. Don't let that be your memory. Like everyone else has says, keep breathing. We all know what you are feeling. Laura

WheelersWife, you hit the nail on the head. I know I CAN do this stuff, I just don't WANT to do it. Before I met my husband, I had lived alone of course, but in apartments. We shared a home for 14 years. My name is on the mortgage, but HE was the homeowner in terms of getting everything done. The dog is the worst. My husband worked from home. So now the pup is alone all day. I've now hired a gal I trust to be a dog walker on days I won't get home till 9. That makes me feel better. I'm lucky. I just had my front doorknob break and I couldn't get in the house. I had friend I know bring his two little girls over to climb through the doggie doors to unlock the front door. Two days later, he was back to replace my doorknob. I'm glad these friends are still around to help me out. They know I am at a loss on how to really take care of the house. Sigh. Just keep plugging along.

Rebecca, I am so sorry you have to be here. Keep talking to us. We are here. I also sent you a private message. Laura

I'm so sorry Klaxl. I agree with other posters who say "don't listen to his mother." Anger and sadness and shock will make anyone say crazy things. Someone recently said to me, "remember when you feel guilt, it's just guilt. Guilt is not a fact, it's a feeling." I have found comfort in that. Laura

Yeah, you hit the nail on the head. Still on just survival mode. Yesterday was the two month mark. I like to think I have moved forward a lot. I want to continue my blog most of all. Writing has been cathartic, and I use writing and social media to share stories about my husband and teach others about (my numb slog of) grief. I'm young enough (47), with an even younger friend base, that they have hardly experienced loss at all. I want to continue teaching them how to help me and help others, because it's going to happen to everyone. I want to continue to share my thoughts on addiction and liver disease - the battle my husband couldn't conquer. My two words are "courage" and "compassion." "Courage" to ask for help with addiction and to help others, and "compassion" for all of us to try to understand a disease we can't possibly understand if we have never experienced. I want to share that my husband wasn't "weak" or a "loser" for not being able to conquer. He kept trying, and I stood by him knowing he was trying. His body just said "no more, buddy." And I will keep checking in here for support among an amazing group of people. Laura

I have been on antidepressants since 2003 (Celexa). I have been on a low dose, though my doctor doubled it when my husband was ill so I could cope better. Listen, antidepressants and therapy changed my life and helped give me 14 more happy years with my husband before he died. But they are not a cure-all, they will not necessarily work for everyone, and they should be used with therapy. This is my opinion. I learned how to recognize and accept my depressive bouts, the meds were there to stabilize. Contrary to media perception, they don't keep you from feeling. I cry all the time, and am still depressed at times, but they keep me functioning. They keep me from ending up in bed for six hours because I dropped a stick of butter on the floor. You may have to play around with the type and dosage. And, remember, it could be two months before you feel effects. You must give it time. Laura

Hi Georgina, I'm so sorry you are joining us. I am two months out, and the people here all understand what you are going through. This early, you can only breathe and cry and grieve and survive. That's all I did. Now I breathe, cry, grieve and survive, but I also eat and go to work and spend time with friends. Once or twice I genuinely smile. We are all different though. I hope that you keep living and taking one step at a time. Laura

Thanks, Trying. Thank you so much.

Mizpah, What you say does make sense and is logical. In six weeks I have scoured the Internet for anything by people like you and Newgirl ... anything that offers hope for happiness again. I'm not naive enough to believe my life will ever be the same, or that I will ever not miss Adam, that I won't always wish he was still with me. I know now that I will have sad moments the rest of my life. This of course, seems entirely unfair ... the feeling that I was singled out among everyone I know for this grief (which is why this forum is so good ... it reminds me I wasn't singled out, it just happened to me). But now that I have chosen against the suicidal feelings I had in the first 2-3 weeks (though they still pop up here and there), I figure I might as well find a way, slowly but surely, to be happy. You and Newgirl don't have to have all the answers for me. But what you do provide is hope in an Internet full of misery. Anyone who has been through this can cumulatively pile their hope on me anytime they want.

Thank you, Serpico.

Thank you so much. So very much. I am having a hard morning. I am six weeks out. I'm having a hard morning. When I get to work, I usually check all the forums. I have to admit, I'm often hoping for something like this. Someone sent me the globe and mail article that was released today. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/the-widowhood-effect/article33344335/ I read it before getting out of bed, and for someone so new, I found it utterly depressing, like I am doomed to be as miserable three years out as I am now. I don't want to be that. If I knew it would be as bad, I really would just kill myself because what's the point? I know my husband wanted me to live, but I'm stuck on the fact that I can't remember him telling me that. I know we had a conversation once, before he was sick, just on the lark. I never let him get a vasectomy because I said "If I die, I want you to love again, and maybe you will find someone who you do decided you want kids with." He laughed because he definitely didn't want kids, but I was five years older and I understood things change. I can't remember him telling me he wanted me to be happy if he were to die. I'm sure he did. He was horrified with the pain he caused me due to his alcoholism. He felt I deserved better than him. Of course, I just wanted him to keep trying, but his liver said "no." And while he was sick, we still had hope, so we didn't go there. I'd fill my house with plants, but I seem to kill them quickly. Every time an "old wid" posts something like this, my heart sings a little with hope. Thank you.

I read this and was going to post it as well. I definitely feel like this woman, but at only six weeks out, I sort of found it depressing in a different way. I don't want to feel so horrible three years out ... as this woman appears to. Am I doomed to that?

Yep, that's how I feel. I'm about six weeks out. I want this horrible pain to go away, but I'm terrified if the pain goes away I will forget him, or that evil guilt will come along to tell me I should be ashamed for not feeling pain and horror anymore. I suppose in the long run, it's silly to think I will forget him. But it's a real fear nonetheless. Every day is such a chore for me. I still don't care what happens to me really, but then I go to the doctor and dentist to take care of myself. Survival instinct kicks in against our heart's judgement, eh? Laura

Just read this entire thread. Glad I'm not alone. The night he died, his sister came over crying and said "I'm sorry, but you only have one brother, you know?" Um, I've only had one husband? I don't get this. And, I got "You are free to do whatever you want now!" from a very longtime friend. I wish I had the heart to say "I don't know what kind of marriage you had, but I did whatever I wanted anyway. I wasn't in prison. I was in a relationship." Sigh. I'm learning to forgive most people. Those two stick with me.

I'm so sorry Danette. I have not lost as many, but I lost my dad in 2014 and my husband five weeks ago. I was out on my own from college until I moved in with my husband at age 33, so I have experience. I used to do it very well and was happy about it. Now it sucks. I have a big lonely house. I can't get the dishes done. I haven't unpacked from a trip a week ago. I'm only five weeks out so I'm trying to cut myself a break. Motivation is ZERO. But I'm trying, too. I hope to figure it out again. My dog helps a lot. HE's there to greet me when I get home for work. I have tons of friends and I am reaching out. Of course, that doesn't help when I still have the house alone at night!

Thank you, Mike. We really need this.