Contacted an "old flame"

[Frederick]

I had been dumped out of an abusive relationship, when I met Myron. Myron was a sweetheart...kind, gentle, and patient. I met him in 1998 and we were together for a couple of years, and as wonderful as he was, I just wasn't feeling the passion (I'd been damaged in that aspect by the last relationship.) Immature as I was, I didn't want to put any effort into it and we drifted apart.

 

I didn't hear from him for a few years, then in 2008 he contacted me out of the blue, after a little catch-up I found out he'd just gotten out of a relationship. I was already with Alexander at that time. We never really talked about why our own relationship had ended, and we lost contact again.

 

Earlier this month, I read an article about people who had been hurt by not getting closure and in many cases blaming themselves, and it made me think about how I left things unresolved and probably left Myron with undeserved hurt.

 

Against all common sense, I decided to look him up and contact him.

 

Initially, he was glad to hear from me again. I told him how sorry I was for how I treated him, but he said "life happens" and I didn't have to feel guilty. As we spoke I realized that the relationship meant more to me than it did to him. He'd forgotten my nickname for him, and "our song." And I overdid it with going on about how much he'd meant to me.

 

He sympathized with my losses.  He told me he's been in a relationship for seven years, but it was dysfunctional and he didn't want to be in it, but didn't have the courage to end it. And...we kind of trailed off from there. I tried talking to him again the next day, but realized I didn't have much in common with him anymore. He'd made something of himself and was in a decent career, meanwhile I'm still picking up the pieces from Alexander's death three years ago. The last talk I had with him was two weeks ago, he stopped responding and I hadn't heard from him since (nor have I contacted him since.)

 

The whole thing triggered a flood of memories and "what-ifs." I realize what I probably really miss is that time of my life where I was 20 years old and the future ahead was full of hopes and dreams and I had no idea of the tragedies that lie ahead.

 

I realize I just made things awkward for him and made myself look like a creepy stalker. I'm just going to leave things be now and not make matters worse; if he really does want to talk to me again, he has my contact info now. Getting in touch with an old boyfriend doesn't work out in real life like it does on TV or in movies. I wish I'd left well enough alone.

[Guest nonesuch]

Gentle cyber-hugs to you.

 

How brave of you to reach out and offer an opportunity to make amends. Everyone gets hurt from time to time. How rare and gutsy to call and offer an "I'm sorry for how things ended."  Your actions are head and shoulders above average behavior. 

 

"The whole thing triggered a flood of memories and 'what-ifs.' I realize what I probably really miss is that time of my life where I was 20 years old and the future ahead was full of hopes and dreams and I had no idea of the tragedies that lie ahead."

 

I just turned 60 and wade through memories often. I occasionally have opportunities to deal with the young and soon-to-be-married,  tweaking those memories and feelings.  I suspect many people wrestle with the same thing. 

 

[RobFTC]

Hi Frederick,

 

Mid-year, I reconnected with a couple of women I had dated more than a couple of times in the prior year, with those relationships not going forward.  My agenda was to gather a little information about how the relationships looked from their point of view.  I was glad I did.  In both cases, we had good conversations that I think meant something to each of us.  I had something confirmed about my thoughts, and they got to hear what I liked about them that I had been too cool or something to be that open about before.  Both were actually intrigued at the possibility of resuming things, but one was in the early stages of seeing someone they felt good about, and the other was someone I had realized was not a fit for me.  The practice of being more "real" was good for me, and, I think, for them.

 

Bottom line, I don't think anything done out of love and done with integrity is wasted.  You didn't hurt anyone, except for what your regrets are doing to you now, and you're free to let those go.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[trying2breathe]

Frederick  I think that I might have done the same as you, given the circumstances.  I've had situations where I've regretted not doing something, having made decisions to not act.  From my perspective you certainly didn't seem like a creepy stalker.  He looked you up too in 2008, after all. 

 

 

Agree about the innocence of youth - DH and I used to say that we got married when we were skinny and clueless.

[Frederick]

Thank you all for the feedback.

 

It is good to get a widowed perspective on the matter. I think we understand that there isn't always time to say the things you want to say. If I had kept quiet and then later at some point found out he was gone, I would have felt worse.