FWB 101....

[momtokam]

Widowat33's post has me thinking about what FWB really means. It's seems it can be different things to different people.

 

Are there rules?  What can and can't be said? Are there lines that shouldn't be crossed?

 

If you have had these connections, what wisdom do you have to share? Good, bad, ugly...Everything is welcome.

 

No judgments or backlash in the discussion please.

Just some honest sharing will be appreciated.

 

 

 

 

[Guest TooSoon]

I got involved in a situation with my best friend from high school.  It was a disaster.  We're friends again now (how could we not be?  we always have been for nearly 30 years) but it took him moving across the country and the two of us not talking/texting/seeing each other for almost two years for the friendship to be repaired.  Now we stick to talking about music, politics, how best to bake bread and gossiping about the people who were mean to us in high school - all other topics off limits.  I think we would both take it back if we could.  Just my experience. 

[Virgo]

No set rules. I have had a few and each situation was different.  They all changed over time. Communication is the key. Make sure you're on the same page.

 

I never had a bad experience with mine. I remained friends with all three. Two of them talk to me almost daily.

 

My first was a close friend. It was mainly to curb the "skin hunger." We never kissed, my rule with him. I can't really explain why. It's probably irrational, but I thought if we kissed it would ruin our friendship. Crazy. Right? I thought he would develop feelings for me and that's not what I wanted. We were only together a few times. He mentions sex once in awhile, but I decline.

 

The second guy started out as dating, but it turned into a fwb. We're were together a handful of times. I lost interest. He still calls, but makes his intention clear. I decline.

 

The third guy is my weakness! Lol He started out as fwb, but then we started dating off and on. Now he's texting me daily again. I think his feelings are heading towards a relationship. I enjoy his company. Very comfortable together, a lot in common, sex is amazing, yet I don't see us long term. I can't seem to cut him out of my life completely yet though. Honestly I'm trying to decide if it really could go somewhere, or if it's the sex that's drawing me back in. I have not had sex with him since August Just talking the past few months.

 

I don't want fwb's anymore. I'm ready for something more.

[Guest nonesuch]

I had a FWB situation.  I wanted more, he didn't.  The sex was compelling, but I didn't want FWB forever.  I wanted a real relationship with someone in love with me, and I knew if I stayed with him I wouldn't date, or I'd feel awkward dating men and sleeping with him.

 

We text a couple or three times a month, and have lunch from time to time.  He would like to have sex, but I decline.

[Sugarbell]

It's tricky for sure.

 

Like I could never be a FWB that I had any type of romantic feelings for.  I mean a friend..that's "decent looking" but not over the top Hot. A friend that for whatever reason you know a relationship wouldn't work.

 

Mutual Respect for each other and space/boundaries. in my experience..really the daily texts phone calls leads to mixed messages with a FWB. And someone gets hurt.

 

Playboy Neighbor and I were on again off again FWB. We still occasionally talk (well with the recent election results like minded people in my state have to stick together) --And we've texted communicated about politics and travel. Never had any had feelings and remained friends. But over the course of our years as neighbors we could go 6 months without speaking to each other. Just cause different things were going on. But when we would both be single we would hook up for dinner and have sex.

 

But he helped set the tone for our FWB relationship years ago and I learned from him. But it's certainly not for everyone and the boundaries need to be clear and both people on the same page.

Or it's a major mind screw for one party involved.

[momtokam]

Thank you so much for all your insights. I know every situation is likely different.

 

It's hard for me to get my head around the difference  between casual dating and FWB. Having a FWB with someone you already know, vs someone you meet for that specific purpose.

 

It often feels like finding someone to be in a loving relationship seems improbable yet the physical need for intimacy can be so strong.

 

You can date someone casually and clearly say there are no expectations but sometimes the communication gets blurred, unclear, and confusing.

 

Sometimes I wish I could just look at the physical aspect separately from anything else but I'm not used to that. The buildup, courting, cuddling, affection etc are such a big part of the physical experience for me.

 

It's so hard to believe that at this point in my life, these are some of the things I'm struggling with.

 

[widowat33]

I think the rules can vary..at least with my situations they have.

One guy and I started actually by going on dates, then became fwb. This was the hard one for me as I started liking him, and I know he liked me as well, but we were not good for each other. We were kind of on and off over the course of five months. We still talk, and there's still an attraction there, but I told him we couldn't do it anymore.

Another one and I started as fwb, we talked on the phone all the time, texted, and spent a lot of time together considering he lives over three hours away. He tells me everything and considers me his best friend. There were no rules with him. We were free to see other people. I do sense that he would like more with me, but I see him as only a friend now.

The other guy is the one my post was about. He wanted it to be an exclusive fwb situation. It was the typical one you hear about. Only texting when we wanted sex. Very little affection.  But lately we have been texting  more, and he called me out of the blue just to talk yesterday. We have went out for supper a few times, and did Christmas shopping together. The last time we were together, he kept kissing me, which was strange for how it usually is with us.  I'm just going with the flow on this one. Not reading too much into it. And waiting to see what happens. Still being on guard somewhat, but I'm just going to enjoy the time we do spend together.

It can be confusing, and yes I do think someone usually does get hurt..but sometimes it can end well too.

I have been thinking a lot about it and my biggest regret is the fact that they are all cool guys who I really do like, as friends of course, but someday I can see us not being in contact anymore.

[momtokam]

Good luck Widowat33. If you are comfortablewith the way things are going, give it a shot. You really won't know unless you try.

 

Thank you for all your input as well.

 

Lots to think about.

 

 

[arneal]

As many have mentioned, the 'rules' are different with different people and when we are at different stages of our lives. After my first marriage, which was abusive, I needed to know if I was as horrid as the husband had said. I had sex two times with this one guy to determine if I could attract someone. Sad but true -- after the things the husband said and did, I just wanted to know if I was attractive. It was not FWB because he wasn't nor did he become a friend. I also wasn't into it at all. I had a short fling with this other guy and again, it wasn't FWB. Don't know what it was -- I thought he was cute for about five minutes lol. Second husband and I were co-workers, then friends, and then started dating. NG and I met online and dated before becoming intimate. I can't bring myself to be with someone I don't have a connection with and while that may set me up for heartache at some point, it's just how it is. Fortunately, my LH (second husband) and I were together a total of 16 years and NG and I have been together now six months, so there's hope for a solid second chance.