You don't have to die to stop living -- the battle ground of grief

[Raymond]

Good Morning, I hope all is well.  Rough night last night.  Read "A Man Called Ove"  it pulled a lot of strings.  My wife would have turned 47 tomorrow and my feelings are a jumble.  So it must be.  She passed the last day of summer after a year long battle with cancer.  25 years of bliss.  I can't help but think the author has been touched by grief, has held its hand, has fought side by side with it to find happiness . .  . joy.  I think of what tools we have at this stage in our battle . . .  routine?, habit?, purpose?, structure?, love? . . . . carrying the weight and perhaps getting stronger in so doing.

 

I had responded on a separate thread about being "broke" and pain being a comfort to me as it reminds me of how great was my love.  And in there lies the rub.  The pain I want to go away but my love I do not.  This is the battle ground of grief.  As humans we are blessed with the ability to forget and yet I desperately battle against it.  Is it a curse then to keep the pain so as not to forget?

[Kater]

I understand what you are saying completely about staying connected to the pain.  I got a wrist tattoo at the end of August.  I cannot explain it, but I felt a noticeable relief of the grief from it.  A friend commented the other day that she had noticed a change in me the last 2 or 3 months.  A few things happened in that time frame that have helped me move forward but I said for sure the tattoo had an impact.  I think it is because it is a permanent reminder in a spot that I, and everyone else, can see.  Of course, I will never forget S nor the 20 years we shared,  but it seems like the tattoo has alleviated any worry that I might, which I think allowed me to let go of a lot of the pain.

 

 

[Julester3]

I did something similar. I didn't want to feel the pain anymore but I don't want to forget the love. I too got a tattoo on my left shoulder above my heart. It's for me and no one else. It did help transfer the pain at that time but sadly as we finish up our first year of firsts, other things dredge up the pain again. I think sense of purpose gets us by. Routine is tricky because my husband was very hands on as a father and husband and integrated into our daily life so we had to break our routines and traditions to help me and the kids cope better. I am hoping for time to do its job and soften the pain. I just wish we had a guideline of how long that could take because we all know there is no real answer to how long it can be.

[Laura1612]

Yep, that's how I feel. I'm about six weeks out. I want this horrible pain to go away, but I'm terrified if the pain goes away I will forget him, or that evil guilt will come along to tell me I should be ashamed for not feeling pain and horror anymore.

 

I suppose in the long run, it's silly to think I will forget him. But it's a real fear nonetheless. Every day is such a chore for me. I still don't care what happens to me really, but then I go to the doctor and dentist to take care of myself. Survival instinct kicks in against our heart's judgement, eh?

 

Laura

[beth_krkswidow]

Raymond,  you must be a writer.  You write so eloquently.

 

I agree

 

In a related vein, it SO annoys me when people say that I must be better because I look better. I want to scream. How can I ever be better? He's dead. He's gone.  Nothing will ever be good again

[Raymond]

Thank you Beth.  I am a writer in a fashion but the stuff I pen usually people don't want to read but have too.  .

 

Happy Birthday Susan -- I certainly hope our paths cross again.  I miss you so, I reach for you . . . please guide me along my journey.

[beth_krkswidow]

Happy birthday to your Susan. I'm so sorry.  I know this will be a difficult day

 

Hugs