7 1/2 months and falling apart

[geminigirl]

It's been awhile since I've written anything here. I'm at almost 8 months now and although I feel like I'm functioning better at the routine aspects of life my heart is still breaking.

 

I still feel like I'm in this weird limbo waiting for him to come home. Logically I know he never will but I don't want to accept that this is my life.

 

I moved to a new house and I try to stay busy but my mind always goes back to him, to us. I even starting dating just to desperately fill this void in my heart but nothing ever does. I just need to be touched, I need to feel something other than pain for a moment. I feel so empty all the time. I'm always alone and lonely.

 

Truthfully, I'm falling apart but everyone thinks I'm okay. I've lost 45 pounds and my hair is falling out. I still cry most days but I manage to get things done. My daughter is cared for, the house is clean, the bills are paid.

 

I don't know why I'm writing today, I guess I just needed to let it out and no one else understands. It's Christmas Eve, everything feels horrible. I want him so badly. I miss him so much it hurts.

[Julester3]

I am sorry you are feeling that you are falling apart. It is a just a hard time of the year. I have to admit our first Christmas without Josh is bittersweet. He loved the holidays even though he was Jewish. We created our own holiday rituals and this year we are doing none of them because it's just too painful. The good news is we are doing okay with the changes we have decided to make.

 

I hear you on missing the human contact. My husband was very affectionate so I feel so very cut off, isolated without his touch.

 

Please don't sell yourself short. It sounds like though you have the pain ever present you are getting things accomplished and your daughter and household are doing well. Take the good and focus on that if you can. Hugs!

[widowwithbaby]

I'm almost at 7 months and the last few days have been the hardest to date. I went for a drive in the car and screamed like I've never screamed before. I've been to the cemetery every chance I can while I'm home for Christmas.

My daughter seems cared for and my career is staying on track, but this pain is so unbareable. I don't even know if I want to keep on without him. I'll do it for our baby girl, but the pain... o the pain...

I hear you.

[geminigirl]

Thanks for responding. I feel so alone right now. Everyone is carrying on with Christmas as normal but I'm barely holding it together. This past week has been rougher than usual. Luckily my daughter is only a toddler and doesn't really understand Christmas so she didn't care that I didn't put up a tree or decorate. This morning was depressing opening up presents with just the two of us. I feel cheated, my husband should be here. I just want the stupid holidays to be over!

[Tatianakm]

Solidarity and a huge hug! I am in the exact same boat, tomorrow will be 10 months since he died and we are left completely on our own, just me and my almost 11 months old girl. This Christmas wasn't totally horrible, as I deliberately surrounded us with totally different experiences that in the past. First I felt like I needed to decorate the tree,  to keep things as he would want them, managed to buy a tree, put it up, decorate with lights and garland, then just couldn't bring myself to put up the ornaments- we used to buy a special ornament on every trip and  vacation we took together; almost 20 years of memories was more than I could handle... I didn't buy any gifts for my girl, as like you have mentioned she is too young to really understand it yet. So this stupid tree really looked silly without ornaments or any gifts around it. And this dangerous thought of how very different this would be if only...all we talked about was how different our Christmas will be with the baby, looking forward to opening gifts and spoiling her...So I opted to leave for Christmas to spend time with friends, packed us up and didn't come back until it was all over. So while we feel lonely we are not alone, there is a very small comfort in the thought that there is someone else out there is putting one foot in front of the other in the almost identical situation, surviving and making the most of it, one day at a time. So, solidarity and a giant hug to you and your daughter.

[beth_krkswidow]

Right there with you. No baby, but all the feelings you (all of you ) put into words so well. This morning I woke up and once again the horrible truth smacked me in the facr. It's true. He's gone. I don't get it.

It can't be true. I don't understand how people survive this.  I really don't. HOW do they survive this hell? I don't know how and I really don't want to.

[LeahRoot84]

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. You are not alone with that by any means. I too, feel a lot of the same. Sending hugs your way! Xx