Guilt or Longing?

[georgina114]

Is it guilt or do I just miss you like mad again? Today I am racked by memories of when you were ill, especially the last month before you left me and your health started to fade; the time when I tried my very best to serve you and show you how much I love you… It was tedious work but I didn’t complain. You were all I can think of at that time. Most of the time I forgot to eat or bathe and care for myself because you were my priority. I could have hired a caregiver to look after you but I didn’t because I’d like to show you that through thick and thin I am there for you. I had hoped that if I personally cared for you, you would somehow miraculously get better… but you didn’t. I knew (and you knew) that I wasn’t perfect or ideal for the job because of my BPD but I tried my very best and somehow we got through it. There were times when I was having difficulty of my own, coping with my mood swings, that I would be bitchy whilst I was helping you. You would tell me to take my medicine and to be a little gentler… I am so sorry for those times, my love. I’m sorry I cannot be perfect… After I’ve taken my medicine, I made it up to you by hugging and kissing you a lot and saying sorry because I’m weak and frail… because I was bipolar. You would tell me you understood and reassure me that I am one of the strongest women you’ve ever known. We would then just lay and hug each other for a while… I knew your body was failing fast by then. Although you didn’t complain of any pain, I could see the rapid weight loss and I can’t help but worry and get frantic inside. I suppose I was bitchy sometimes because I wanted you to fight back… fight me back and fight the blasted illness as well. But it wasn’t meant to be... You’ve succumbed to your illness and eventually left me… Today I woke up with a terrible ache in my heart… I sprayed one of my pillows with your D&G perfume and hugged it so tightly while I cry and call your name in the dark. I miss you so much and I love you, Brian…  :'( :'( :'(