Still Broken, Still Stuck

[beth_krkswidow]

Everyone keeps telling me I should be better, except you here who are walking the same road.  They tell me I have so much to live for.  They cannot comprehend that everything in my life was intertwined with him.  Nothing is worth it anymore.  Work.  Really?  I worked so that some day we could retire and do the things we planned.  My dogs.  I love them.  They are a source of joy and comfort.  They are not a reason to live.  A reason to get up in the morning, but not a reason to live.  They survived Kirk's passing; they would survive mine.  I have no reason to go on.  Nothing to look forward to.  Work distracts me.  It doesn't fulfill me.  Sleep allows me short bits of escape, but I have not slept a full night since his death.  When I sleep, I awaken dozens of times throughout the night.  And I still have many many sleepless nights.  I look forward to sleep, only for the escape, and it eludes me.  7 months and I feel as if I still can't stop crying.

[LeahRoot84]

I know how hard things are. I truly do. If you'd ever like to talk, I'll be here for you. If I can save just one person from self harm do to sadness or whatever a person goes through, it will make my life worth living. Hugs to you! Xx

[Wife of Tomasz]

Hi Beth,

I hear you, and for the most part feel the same way. I was quite vocal at the beginning to tell everyone that no one is aloud to tell me how I should grieve. It does not stop them completely, but I think it has cut it down quite a bit. Usually the people that have an opinion about it have never had any similar experience and their opinions come from an ignorant place. Unfortunate most people will go though some sort of loss in their lifetime and one day those people will understand. I have no kids, no pets either. I feel like I don't have a reason to live. The thing that keeps me going is the thought that I cant put my parents through this pain. If I cant do it how are they supposed to. So I exist for their sake. I am a year and 3 month out. I remember earlier I had many days when I thought I cant do this for one more minute, but I don't get that feeling as often now. hugs to you. I truly hope that it will get easier for all of us. 

[beth_krkswidow]

Hugs to you both!  Leah, I won't do anything "stupid" as they say.  It is not something Kirk would condone and neither would my faith.  So, as I say in Grief Group: I won't drive off a cliff, but if someone pushes me off a cliff, that would be just fine with me!  Thanks so much for the moral support!

And, Wife of Tomasz, Yes, absolutely there are times when I absolutely think I cannot, absolutely cannot, make it one more minute.  Nor do I want to.  But.  I am here.  And I promise I will not drive off a cliff.

 

Hugs to you both and thank you so very much.  It just means so much that someone understands... today at work a song came on and it made me cry.  Not sobbing hysterically, just tears running down my face.  My manager saw me and she said, "NOW, what?"  .... Now, what...  as in, You think there is something NEW for me to cry about, since, obviously I should be over this whole grieving thing.  AAarrrgghhh!  I hate this, just hate it.

 

But... I am grateful for this site and the people here, who truly understand, and not only understand, they don't judge. 

 

Thanks so much for that.

[Wife of Tomasz]

Yeah, I hate people sometimes. Beth so sorry that you have such an insensitive manager. I have been fortunate with my job, because most other places would have fired me for how I was after it happened and still to some extent today. I went in to talk to head of HR the other week, and she was saying how she heard that it does not get better, but something that you carry with you for life. I was really impressed with her as most people take the approach that your manager has. I think this HR lady had some sort of training for bereavement in the workplace, which I think all places should have (but I know will never happen). For me a few month after my loss my aunt asked me what was wrong with me.(Im still speechless about that one) and around the same time my own mother asked why I sounded so sad. ???? I have no words for it. I dont know how people can be so removed as to even make such statement. But from my own mother was very hard. The people that should be the most supportive, have in fact been the worst. As if we need anymore shit than what we are already dealing with.

[LeahRoot84]

I'm still here if you'd ever like to vent or talk 😊 HUGS!