There Is No Handbook

[KrypticKat]

This is my first time posting in a group I wish I didn't have to be a part of but I am here and I'm hoping it will help me heal on my journey.

 

My husband died in a car accident coming home from work just under 6 months ago. He was in my life for 4 years to the day and we just got married in 2015. He was my lover, my best friend...I really lucked out. We fell 3 weeks short of our first anniversary. My life went from a wonderful adventure to a horrific nightmare and I have spent the last 5-6 months just trying to sift through it.

 

I'm only 30 and feel like an alien now. So few people can relate to the young widow who didn't even get to start her family. To boot, I have a MIL who lost her husband when she was young and did not work through her grief well the first time. Now it seems to have compounded the issue and sadly I've become a target for her grief and anger. She works hard to try and get the family to dislike me because I have refused to give in to her every request anymore (though I do regret how much I let her push me around the first few months). 

 

I work hard to take care of myself and seek help. I still try to think of others needs even though it take everything not to run off a cliff sometimes. But no matter what I do I'm making someone unhappy with my actions.

 

I'm not giving enough stuff back.

I'm fixating on things too much.

I'm not getting back to work fast enough.

I'm regressing too much.

I'm rushing forward too fast.

 

And as I try to figure out if I'm doing the right thing; If I'm acting with integrity and to the best of my abilities being kind to others that are suffering this loss as well, I still feel I am painted as a villain and it sucks.

 

I've lost so much in the past 6 months. My husband, our first house, my immediate inlaws, my hopes and dreams of a family with this man...And now I'm expected to waffle my way back towards a new life without him and there is no handbook to help.

 

That cliff is looking pretty good right about now... :-[

 

 

[Adley]

I'm sorry Kryptic. I've always cared for others too. Just minutes ago someone told me 'thats just part of it'. He's been married over 50 years. There is no way you can make everybody happy anyway, but when you're under everyone's magnifying glass, you might just have to say hell with'em.

  Everything that you two had is yours now. It's your grief. Your job. Your time. We can't stop people from throwing in their two cents, but this is a good place to vent. Just try not to let them drive you nuts.

    Rushing forward. Regressing. I expect most of us have had all these insanely contradictory opinions thrown at us. As much as it goes against my grain, that is why I have had to ignore the bulk of people's comments. Too much to process already!

  Now that I've said to ignore what everybody says, here are my two cents. Forget the cliff! Life will become more bearable. There are ups and downs ahead, to be sure, but you will see rest and joy again.

[beth_krkswidow]

So sorry, Kryptic.  My parents in law both pre-deceased my husband. Reading tis and many other posts here, I'm thinking that's a good thing. Not a nice thing to say, but oh well.

[JP]

Hi Kat,

It's been not even 2 months for me. I feel your pain, probably only us here can say that and truly mean it. My man's parents and sister are the most amazing people I have ever met and it just breaks my heart that they will never be my family (although they've promised me they always will). Everyday I think of the cliff, I haven't found one in my neck of the woods yet. My heart is so beyond broken, some days it's even hard to breathe. I am only 36 and I lost J tragically, accidentally too. I never got to say goodbye. I finally found my person and now he's gone. I honestly will never be happy again, I feel you.

 

Jess

[KrypticKat]

Hey Jess @JP,

 

I remember all too well that feeling at 2 months. I know it's hard to believe but you will have happiness again and feel like yourself. I wouldn't say I am happy but I have had moments. Moments where the person I used to be comes back. It comes with guilt because it feels like I'm leaving him behind. It also makes me happy because who I was was who my husband loved and if I can keep her alive then it would make him happy. I remind myself I have to try because he always used to say it broke his heart seeing his mom never moving forward after his dad died. He wanted her to have a life and find happiness. Knowing how much he loved me I know he'd want the same for me. It's a lot of work, it's a lonely journey and it sucks big time. I have lots of days where I look for the cliff but I give myself points everyday I choose not to jump. I'm glad I found this site and I'm glad you found it too.

 

@Adley,

 

Thank you for the encouragement. You're right. What do they really know. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. They can't even imagine being in this situation so how can they have any real input?

[TornApart]

Oh gosh yes. I was 33 and we had no kids. All of a sudden I lived in an alternate reality. But everyone had a view on how I should be handling it. I grew exhausted from trying to meet everyone's expectations and trying all their (well-meaning but clueless) suggested avenues to returning to 'normalcy'. Truth is, you can't.  This new reality is your reality. You have to find a way to live in it, and people have to adjust to the new you. My suggestion, based on what I wish I had done in hindsight, is to focus on you and what you need to do to heal. If people are interfering with your healing, you need to walk away. Not forever necessarily, but for a while. Give yourself space, and give them space. They are hurting too. Everyone is hurting and is easily hurt and upset. Like a wound. You cover it and protect it from things that might stop it healing or hurt it further. And once it is healed, the bandage can come off when the skin is a strong enough barrier again. Don't jump. Be proud every day that you haven't. Because it is tempting. But how happy you will be eventually that you didn't jump, because the new reality is that you are stronger and braver than you ever thought possible,

[beth_krkswidow]

At almost 18 months i can honestly report that I don't actively look for that cliff every day. Some days yes but no longer every day. Some softening