Adley

I get it too man, today is her birthday and in a week it’ll be seven years...just needed to check in and tell everyone hello. Love to all, and thanks to everyone for the support in the past.

That’s beautiful, Tybec.

Pervasive sadness...exactly.

Thank you for that. Please know that I always wish you the very best. I think of you often- how inspiring you are in the face of so much adversity. You have helped MANY of us strive to keep going. I so hope you keep interacting and find fulfillment and peace; you certainly have inspired many others.

@Leadfeather, that seems like a good idea...and I’m glad for the weirdo affirmation:) Sudnlysngl, I know about the scattered thoughts! I really have no idea what to do with them! TooSoon2.0, while she was alive and even years after I could never have considered selling our place...but I find myself considering it now. Life is going well enough, I suppose... Here is is a strange thing occurring to me as I wake up this morning. To make it short I never lived in a box; really Jessica provided the only boundaries I ever heeded. After losing her, I made all sorts of boundaries for myself. The kids were so young, I couldn’t travel and work realistically. I had neither the inclination nor the ability to explore new opportunities. Once I had traveled and explored opportunity with vigor and optimism. Now they are all in school, I have time freed up for my career, job options everywhere, and she’s not here to discuss and weigh things together. Those imaginary boundaries I drew have evaporated. Probably so did the vigor and optimism. It leaves me free and empty. It’s a new overwhelming. 4am thoughts, thanks for letting me write...

Thank y’all!

It’s been a rollercoaster. I didn’t find this board till after I remarried and divorced. Apparently widowers are more likely to seek remarriage quickly. That was a mistake on my part, but this board and everyone on it picked me up at my lowest point. Thank you all. I’d just like to unload to you all, the folks who get it. I’ve been in Guam for a month now (I’m 4+ years in) and my children will be here ithis weekend; they’ve had an extra long vacation with grandparents this summer while I got the logistics of living here planned. Looks like this is a long term project. I don’t know the wisdom of this choice. I’m pretty sure we’ll stay here a year, with the option to stay much longer. I’ve got an apartment right next to the school and a little island car and have found the fishing and snorkeling holes and hiking trails we’ll be frequenting...and I wonder if I’ve lost my freaking mind!!! Ha This is doable, but it’s gonna be tough. I brought Jessica’s ashes.....I’d planned last year to start traveling again and put a pinch of them in all the prettiest places in the world. When we went to New Mexico last year I forgot them at home at four in the morning. I had intended to leave some in Carlsbad Caverns, the Grand Canyon, the Rio Grande. Now I’ve got them and it did occur to me that the Mariana Trench is only two hundred miles from here. I could send for her headstone of Massachusetts granite that I hauled the eighteen hundred miles to Louisiana and had it carved and left it by the barn near the pear trees under which we married. Damn I’m crying so hard right now. I was thinking of sending the ashes and the stone into that seven mile hole. I threw her flowers overboard between New Bedford and Martha’s Vineyard, at a little spot with a strong northeast current that ultimately leads around the globe. Now, if I drop her stone and ashes in the deepest hole in the world, we would be rotating in near perpetuity around the same nucleus no matter where we travel. Im a little freaked out by that notion and haven’t even considered the ramifications of that amount of closure. That’s not even the right word. She got me a couple of fine black powder revolvers that I haven’t shot since she got sick. Must be five years now. I brought them and now can’t find any powder on the island, although hunting with a muzzle loader is a thing here. I know this is a weird vent, I just had to let it go...

I just saw this Beth, don't sweat it! Yes, the comparisons still leave me speechless. If I start down the road of rebuttal I'm afraid I won't stop, and that would just be ugly. Most of my friends are gone, the rest are aloof. I don't blame them. My two brothers (who have their own struggles in their own right) stick by me from a distance, were all like some kind of strange and faithful landmarks to one another. With everyone else in my closer family....I hold peace. It beats explosion. I'm so glad you all and this board are here to help us ease the pressure a little at a time rather than all at once. Thank you all for these words.

I know it feels terrific! So happy for you!

Right, klim, the switch flipping surprised me too. The lady the other night gave me an ultimatum! We've met once. I can't go that route. So I'll take y'alls advice and the time with it.

Rob, That is powerfully insightful. Oh, I'm slowed down, to the point of stopped. As to dating multiple women, maybe I have some real confusion on what dating actually is. I can (could?)be friends with many, but if I'm interested, I don't have space in my brain for more than one. I'll have to sleep on the rest. Thanks Rob

Just curious, why do you think this? You could well be right when it comes to online dating, I just don't have the experience to know. I think I feel that way now because nearly all my relationship experiences when I was young started out romantic and physical, and all but one (LW) turned out to be somewhat shallow in retrospect. (Not talking about real, non romantic, lady friends). It's very hard to compare life then to life now. It seems the odds were stacked against finding true love, considering my behavior then. She jerked a knot in me and straightened me back out. I reason that I could do the same thing again (jump blind and head first every time) and maybe hit the lottery and find someone to really share life, laughs, goals....but I don't want to relive my past mistakes. It just doesn't seem like a good strategy considering where I am. (In case we're talking about two different things, see "man ho" lol.) I no longer have the don't-give-a-damn temperament required, and if it weren't for biology, I wouldn't even have the inclination. Romance needs spontaneity; but I don't even want romance if it means I have to get too spontaneous with too many women. Not again. That's a hell of a conundrum, I agree. On one hand, once two people find one another attractive and share some meaningful conversation and a laugh or two, the man better make a move for a kiss. If you don't, you're on the friendship track before long, whether that's what you wanted or not. At least that was my early twenties experience. So as a young man, after a few missed opportunities, my young man's logic(oxymoron) said go for it, ask questions later. That's a good way to mess things up, too. I stumbled upon balance once, and have no idea how. It'd be nice if something good happens, it's just the only dating path I've traveled isn't one I want to revisit. I know that's a mess. Thanks for listening!

I continued to listen while looking for the slap button on my phone. Makes ya wnder. Report to moderator Logged That. And Bunny's right, they never want to hear it. Just wanna opine. And the travel comparison?! 😤

Spot on with the red flags

Yeah, THAT could bring to mind a long string of profanity. Please!

Portside, the spreadsheet is a good idea, but it had me laughing! Maybe I'm not serious enough or don't have enough faith in that system to put forth that kind of effort. To be in contact with that many people I could see the necessity. And the marketing...I totally see it out there. I guess I'm supposed to do it too, I must have been unconsciously good at it when I was young. I dated a lot of women before I met my wife, and I can't imagine doing it now in the current situation. Maybe I'm simply not ready. I want to be friends before romantic involvement! Shooting first and asking questions later is for the young. Jgib, I think I've got to take a break too.ive talked to a handful of women the last couple months, and went to meet one. I've really tried to keep it just friends with all of them.The lady I drove to meet midday while the kids were at school is still texting, I'll text her tonight, but I've made it clear I need to be friends first and can't text all day....doesn't seem to have sunk in. lol I can imagine I'm detecting an icy passive aggressive tone beneath the typed words that really say "why don't you answer me back immediately?" It would be funny if it didn't seem like she's got higher expectations already. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, a big reason why I want to keep things just friendly, at least for a good while. I'm not sure I can hang with it either. So if I were serious enough, I'd market, but I don't want to be charming to strangers. Don't want to keep a lot of "options" out there at once. Don't want to play the all day text game either.😂 I suck! I guess I'll see what this lady has to say, I don't see it going anywhere, if I can end it without getting some kind of guilt trip maybe I can declare a small moral victory, and maybe even dare to put a toe back in the water. Thanks for all the input!

Well I finally tried the online thing, on a widowed group. Women must outnumber men ten to one, and it was completely overwhelming. I think it's pushed me into my shell even more. Question-are all these people talking to multiple people at the same time? It feels like they are, which I'm fine with, but getting overly flirty with multiple people just feels wrong. Is that just the way it is out there? When I met my wife it was before the days of daily texting, now it just seems like everyone expects a non stop 24 hour conversation. At thirty five, am I too old fashioned for this new scene?

Getting the succession done without a will was a major pain, and even when I finally got it done there were things I had forgot to specify. So at some point I'll have to get the succession amended.

Definitely in the club...

Sorry Roch, I just saw where you replied. We made it back, the scenery was breathtaking!

Right Mizpah, it's the difference in disliking someone who's alive and loving someone who is not.....

Thanks Julester and Soloact for the replies, I guess I need some validation! And these days, this is the only place I can get it. Y'alls comments mean the world to me. I know that you care, and you know that I care, and that keeps me up for another day. That comparison that I threw out there has been done to death, but it shocks and hurts the widowed ears every time.

We've all done things we regret post-loss; my second year was one mistake after another. Please forgive yourself. No one else will understand the emotions that drove you to make those mistakes. You will get stronger!

It'll be four years in March. And NOW my Dad tells me how losing Jessica is like getting divorced. Over the phone. Out of all the ridiculous things in that conversation, that one hurt the worst. I can't believe how friends and family have changed or shown wh they are since my wife died. I do have wonderful siblings though.....just a vent. I don't know how my family outside myself and three children has remained intact after all the effed up input and opinions over the last four years. Furious! Thanks guys...

@twinmom, the widowed are the ones I cry for at funerals too. "She has no idea yet how sad a human heart can get." Perfectly said.