Kid problems

[Stargazer74]

So, this morning my 20 year old totaled my wife's vehicle.  I took him in 3 1/2 weeks ago because his truck was broke down and he had no place to go.  He's been the problem child for a long time, and he and Jamie (his step-mom) never got along very well once he got into the rebellious stage.  He had just started a job and the deal was he could stay with me if he would concentrate on keeping the job and take care of the vehicle, and to stay out of any trouble.  He's had a long list of speeding and seatbelt tickets, except for one DUI when he was caught with beer in his truck (not to mention the passed out girl he had with him).  But they ticketed him and let him drive home, because he wasn't drunk, just MIP.  Today he was speeding down a back road and didn't make a corner and ran over a mailbox and slid halfway through someone's yard.  Up until this point, he had been doing pretty well, I thought.  No trouble, and he was paying off the recent tickets and had a plan on how to get his truck fixed and start paying back his family a bunch of money they had loaned him.  But now, with no way to get to work from my house, (I live 17 miles out of town) there's no way for him to stay here.  So there's an old motel about 2 1/2 miles from his workplace that they have converted into some small apartments and they have kitchenettes and stuff for about $120 a week with utilities paid.  So now the plan is get him into there and I'm going to give him a bicycle to ride to work.  He'll be able to make the rent on his own, and still have enough money to get by.

 

I'm disappointed that when I thought he had hit rock bottom, with no place to go and actually called me for help, I figured that he would try to become more responsible.  He expressed some remorse, but not much.  The vehicle was an old one, and I wasn't planning on keeping it long term, but because it was Jamie's, it has so much sentimental value.  It had full coverage, so I'll get some cash for it, but I just wish I could have dealt with it in my own time.  It doesn't make any sense to me to replace the vehicle and let him drive it again.  He's proven over and over that he doesn't respect his own belongings, much less anyone else's.  I think I am doing the right thing, besides, he doesn't need to be driving because its only a matter of time before he hurts himself or someone else.

 

I wish he only realized how bad things are for me without having to deal with his behavior.

[Mangomom]

Kids can be so selfish and egotistical.  I know I was.  I'm sorry you are going through this.  It is hard to have your timeline altered by outside forces.  Try to see it as a blessing, maybe.  One more decision that you didn't have to agonize over and waffle on.  I hope your son can get himself together.  It is so hard to not let them fall . (((Hugs to you, stargazer))). There's a light at the end of this tunnel 

[Jen]

Hugs, hugs, hugs!! I can't say it better than Mangomom. As parents our instinct is to rush in, scoop them up, and try to fix everything for them, but in the long run that doesn't help them. Stay strong. He'll learn; he's got a good role model. Meanwhile, you have to focus on taking care of you.

[Trying]

Dealing with my troubled 18 year old has been the most difficult part of this widow journey for me.  I think you are doing the right thing, forcing him to do it on his own but it's so hard. 

 

I will add my hugs to the bunch, stand by your choices, hopefully he will tire of his situation and realize he needs to take responsibility.

[BrokenHeart2]

Good for you Stargazer74 at this difficult time to continue to parent with strength.  Sounds to me like you're doing the best by him and hopefully he'll learn from this. Im sorry you have to go through this now. Kids can be so self absorbed and not realize at all what you are going through

Hugs to you

[Stargazer74]

Thanks you guys.  I appreciate the hugs and the validation.  It is so very hard to see him make a mess of his life, but its been going on for two years now.  The weird and sad thing is that at times, he seems very down on himself for getting into these situations, but he can't seem to see past the end of his nose to make sure they don't happen.  He's always had problems, been diagnosed ADHD as a kid, has seen numerous counselors for depression and anger issues, even had two serious suicide attempts a couple of years ago.  They diagnosed him as Bipolar type II then, but went off the meds within a few months and doesn't see the need for them now, so he won't take anything.  I have done everything I could to try to help him, advise him, teach him, but he doesn't listen to anyone.  When he left my house at 18, my family all blamed me and Jamie for his problems, but it was because they didn't know him like we did.  He can be a very sweet and helpful kid when he wants to be, and that's what everyone saw.  Well, after 2 years of him treating them the same as he did us, now they see what we went through and that we did do everything we could.  But even that isn't much consolation, because I just wish he would get his crap together.  But he's pretty much out of options now, so its sink or swim time.