Re-living the last 3 days of my husband's life....

[Julester3]

I knew this week was going to suck. I have felt the anxiety build day after day as we approach our completion of our first year journey of firsts without Josh. The last few days have been giving me snatches of anger, regret, sadness and a little bit of bittersweet memory. Then the way if's kick in...because I like to torture myself that way...

 

I am angry I lived a busy life and that my husband let me volunteer and run around to my heart's content. I am naturally a busy person and I am at my best when I am involved. If I didn't volunteer so much, I'd have had more time with him these last few days. Would I have done so knowing he was going to die? I don't really know.

 

I regret I didn't make him stay home that night. Why did I let him go to tennis? He was sick right before Easter and nearly 2 weeks later was finally feeling better. He loved tennis and hadn't been since before spring break. He was itching to go and if work was stressing him out, it would surely make him feel better. Would it have prevented his heart attack? Maybe just from happening that day but it makes me wonder when would then the other shoe drop and then when would it have happened instead? I have often felt that in life, you simply can't avoid the inevitable.

 

Sadness? Well, he's not here. I am succeeding at keeping me and the girls running and appearing okay. We all miss him and we've been feeling this slump easily for the last couple weeks. I miss him terribly and it hurts that I have to do everything without him really being here. I can always convince myself he's spiritually here but it's weak at best.

 

Bittersweet memory? Well, I did get a last bit of intimacy the day before he died because he missed me terribly after I was running around and wasn't home for the last 5 days. I went to the state PTA convention and then a fast trip to Salt Lake City for my niece's wedding. My husband was always affectionate and after the kids were gone to school, he made sure to linger and purposely saunter into work late that day.

 

I know I was lucky woman and my Josh took a lot of risks to make sure I never strayed too far from his reach. We went to middle school together and high school. We grew up in the same town. We didn't always have the same schedule but he always made sure that he had at least one class or would join a co-curricular activity I was in. In college, when I activated my student email account, want to guess who emailed me first? It wasn't even a week into college and we were at different universities. He always knew we'd be together before I even had a clue. I do have great stories to share with my kids and we had such a long history. The girls were close to him and I am glad they have strong memories of him, good memories. I am grateful that I was able to experience so much with him and I know we had so much but I can't help but be selfish and want more than what I already have, is it wrong?

 

So today was my niece's first wedding anniversary...tomorrow is the day I came home...the day after was a seemingly ordinary day and the 7th, what started as another ordinary day, ended with the most alarming call a person could get at 9:45 pm - someone used the emergency mode to his cellphone and called me to come to the tennis club right away. I can recall exactly the feel of my heart pounding in terror all over again. I knew it was over when the police and the paramedics stopped me at the door of the club and would not let me see him. The very next time I would actually see my husband would be dead in the emergency room of the hospital. I had to call his parents, I called my siblings, I called his best friend, and I had to call one of his co-workers to inform his boss. I did not feel comfortable calling his number directly from my husband's cellphone.  As a person who has already buried her parents and grandparents, I knew what had to be done. I stood up to my MIL and told her it was my show. Everything would be done the way the girls and I needed it to be done and I did it.

 

I have are lady decided that we are taking the day off. No work. No school. We'll stretch it through the weekend if need be. We don't know what we'll do exactly but I think we'll be getting out for the day and not coming back until the pets need dinner. We just need to get through the day and complete this horrible first year.

[donswife]

These times are so tough and raw

the what if's can drive a person crazy but hard to stop your brain and heart from asking them

My husband also died from a heat attack and I find myself doing the same

 

It was wonderful to read about  Josh and and your story of your lives together

 

Take care of yourself today

and sending hugs your way

 

[beth_krkswidow]

Yes, sending hugs your way.  And thank you for sharing.  No words of wisdom come to mind.  Just wanted to let you know your post brought tears and I'll be thinking of you and your girls.  The What ifs...

[Trying]

I remember the feeling of reliving the last weeks and days as I approached the first anniversary.  I don't think it's a pain that can be avoided and we each have to just get through it any way we can.  It sounds like you have a good plan for you and the girls and my only advice is to be prepared to be completely unprepared on how the day will go. Big hugs to you and your girls. 

[Julester3]

Thanks. Getting it all out late last night made me feel much better this morning. It's like my very smart brain having me do the things my heart needs so it can keep going and beat stronger in the long run.