Of Hope and New Beginnings

[ATJ]

Ahh yes, Hope, that seductive, mysterious and enigmatic enchantress! From time immemorial she has been a powerful magnet for humanity, drawn to her in the midst of unspeakable terror and pain. She was all that kept humans going against seemingly insurmountable odds.

 

When my husband was fighting an almost nine-year, vicious battle for survival, Hope was the instrument that buoyed us when all else failed.  However, after his tragic death, I felt betrayed and deceived by her alluring nature, and the mere invocation of her name engendered rage and repulsion in me. When well-meaning people spoke to me of "hope and healing", I wanted to vomit. In my despair I railed against Hope, and when she gently tapped at my door, I screamed at the top of my lungs: "Go away, you despicable, shameless LIAR, and don't ever come near me again!" -  followed by a certain hand gesture for emphasis!! ;D

 

It reminded me of a cynical quote which mirrored my emotions at the time:

 

"Hope is the only universal liar

who never loses her reputation for veracity."

 

~~ Robert Green Ingersoll

 

My mind and soul were filled with fear, rage and despair, which threatened to vanquish me, and the "final exit door" looked increasingly inviting!! As I lay on my bed, curled up in the fetal position, I felt that I was DONE!

 

From this experience I learned:

 

"Sorrow makes us all children again;

Destroys all differences of intellect,

The wisest know nothing." 

 

~~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 

 

 

Then one day I read the following:

 

"When facing the unknown,

Hope is as reasonable as despair!"

 

 

Well, I was careening downhill at breakneck speed and had nothing to lose anymore. Though, even as I still did not trust Hope, that mercurial temptress, I felt that she was 'the only game in town'. From past experience I knew that she did not come with a guarantee, only offers an opportunity to remain in the game and provides a vague chance, however infinitesimal, to walk away from the table with at least Something. Just MAYBE, I should give it One more try instead of capitulating in unconditional surrender.

 

But when I called for her, there was only silence. I learned that Hope cannot be summoned or cajoled, she often tarries and takes her own time. "You FOOL!" -  I  berated myself - "Are you daft?" How could I fall into that alluring trap once again?? She had led me through so many meanderings along the way and left me alone in a maze of utter confusion and disorientation. Well, bleep HER!!

 

But just when I had resigned myself to stoically face my dark reality, I heard a gentle knock at the door, and a quiet voice called out: "I'm back, let me come in!" I was taken by surprise, but recognized her immediately, and replied in a timorous tone: "Wait, don't go away, I'll open the door!" When I let her in, I felt some of that heaviness drop from my shoulders, and a renewed sense of courage emerged. And despite her fickle and tenuous nature, I was grateful for her return.

 

For a while we walked together, and my stride improved in steadiness and strength. My gaze began to shift in forward direction with lesser views into the rearview mirror. Eventually, she seemed to have steadied me sufficiently to let me walk on my own. For a while, the new optimism that she had imparted allowed me to steer my new course. But as we all know, life is in constant flux, and unforeseen obstacles are thrown into our way, just when we begin to think that we have finally 'got it'.

 

"Just when I think I have learned the way to live,

Life changes."

 

~~ Hugh Prather

 

And so, once again, I placed other '911 calls' for her assistance, often being put on hold for an interminably long time, and she doesn't have a toll-free number, it came at my cost. But I have a determined nature and therefore thought:

"If I keep a green bough in my heart,

Then the singing bird will come."

 

~~ Chinese Proverb

 

And so I kept holding on until she answered each time.

 

When I was little, I had assumed in childlike innocence that once I'd grown up, I would know all the answers to life's questions. A sweet infantile notion and wishful thinking. But I've learned that Life is a long sequence of darkness and light, and therefore, the alluring 'Siren of Hope' has been called upon again and again to help me find my way to new beginnings.

 

Below I summarized my thoughts about this:

 

New beginnings and hopes

A fresh new start

As we move along and go forward

With a valiant brave heart

 

Saying "Yes" to life is not always easy

But often quite hard and slow to carry out

When our soul is troubled

And our heart filled with doubt

 

But inch by inch we try to find our way

To build a new life as day follows day

We look for a rainbow up in the sky

And all we can do is hope and try

 

We've come a long way

On a dark, lonely road

May the universe guide us

And ease our load

 

May sunny days lie ahead

And rainbows paint our sky

As we keep trying and walking

Sometimes with a sigh

 

May better days lie before us,

The sun shine warmly and bright,

As we step out of the darkness

And move toward the light!

 

      ~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

May Hope guide us to the brighter shores of New Beginnings!

 

 

I bid you Peace!

 

ATJ

 

[Bluebird]

ATJ,

 

Your writing is nothing short of phenomenal - in part because of the beautiful use of our language, but also because of the emotion and insight that is conveyed. Thank you!

 

As I read your thoughts about hope and new beginnings, I thought of the word "cope". It's how I describe what I do, or try to do, somewhere between despair and hope. Despair is when I feel most alone. Coping certainly isn't an ideal existence, but for me, when difficult things come my way in life, it's how I can move forward, even if I am without hope. Sometimes, I am surprised that my coping has led to a more favorable result than I dared hope for...and then it arrives....hope!

 

Take care, Bluebird

[BrokenHeart2]

ATJ, just what I needed so much right now. Your beautiful poem of hope is wonderful. Thank you for lifting my spirit of hope. I love all your I pictures in your posts too. Reminds me of the beautifulness of the world and lifts me up.

Hugs

[WifeLess]

ATJ,

 

Your words have always held such beauty, even long ago when they were products of the darkness that imprisoned you. And now that you have broken free and emerged into the light, their beauty has only been enhanced.

 

Thank you for sharing with us your inspiring story of hope.

 

--- WifeLess

[Carey]

This isn't the first of your posts I've printed and put in my purse and I'm sure it won't be the last. I devour them and read them over and over sometimes.  Sitting at a stoplight I might just get one sentence or one line, but it keeps me going.  You truly have a gift.  This is nothing short of beautiful.

[ATJ]

@Bluebird @WifeLess @BrokenHeart2 @Carey

 

Many thanks for your very warm and reassuring words! Through your feedback you have given me the gift of encouragement, when holding onto Hope often falters and its flame dims.

 

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it,

is like wrapping a present and not giving it."

 

~~ William Arthur Ward

 

 

 

 

I appreciate your taking the time and sending it.

It has been received with a grateful heart!

 

 

Light and Blessings to you!



ATJ 

 

And thank you to those who gave me an encouraging nod

through the 'Like' button.

 

 

[Guest Mel4072]

I so needed this tonight. Tired. Needed to know that its ok to be quiet. This is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.

[Grammy]

Thank you ATJ. I am grateful to find your beautiful posts again.  You are such a gifted writer.  ((((Hugs)))) and Love Always

[ATJ]

(((Grammy)))

 

Thank you for your warm words! I simply speak from my heart and hope that it reaches the hearts of others, even across great distances through the ether.

 

We are all just infinitesimal, barely detectable specks on the vast canvas of the universe and have a need to be heard and connected. Each kind word coming back to me is a gift that is received with a grateful heart.

 

 

 

 

Sending Blessings!!

 

 

With much appreciation!

 

ATJ

 

P.S. I thanked Mel separately in a PM.