Carey

It's been a LONG time since I posted here. I was cleaning up my desk at work today and ran across a post I had written for the special circumstances board and it was well worn , like it had been read and folded and reread and refolded over and over. I will come back once I get out of work with more details ... but I just felt such JOY that I could come to this spot of the board with THIS news and say that I have a new fella. He moved in with me last October. He is amazing and so very different from Chad, it's like a whole new world. I don't say that to be down on Chad in any way ... it's just this is so RIGHT. We actually went to high school together and reconnected on facebook the week Chad died He reached out to me then and hasn't left my side since. I never thought I'd be able to post on this board. Never thought anyone would ever want me, find me attractive, love me? Living with an alcoholic for 17 years did a lot of damage. I will always love Chad, for the part he had in my life, but I know without a doubt he is right where he needs to be, and so am I and that has made all the difference. I'll be back soon .. I can't wait to catch up with everyone!!!

I am so very very sorry about your loss.

I can't help but laugh ....... I'm sure no one thinks its funny right now but will be a good story to tell. When Chad first died I had to move less than 6 weeks later. I was packing in a hurry and I was running out of boxes. I used big black lawn and leaf bags for soft stuff like clothes, blankets, etc. Imagine my horror to realize the bag that had ALL my purses .... my beloved Coach bags, my Vera Bradley, all my beach bags........GONE to the dump by a well meaning person helping move. Moving is chaotic and sh*t happens. Hopefully maybe you can get some of them back for her and if not maybe she will find a way to see the dark humor lol

The genetic part of this scares me to death. I live in fear of it happening to my children. My son already shows many of the tendencies his dad had, even without drinking. He's almost 18 and I will soon not be the one making choices for him and I am terrified he will follow the path of his dad ... granddad... great granddad. ;(

My dad had two dates of death too .. as he died Easter Sunday morning, March 23, 2008. This is the first year since then that Easter has fallen this close to the actual date he died and it was not pretty. I hate the number 23. As my husband died on November 23, which just happened to be his birthday. I can commiserate. No we never get over it. We maybe work around it? My husband died in 2013 as well so I'm on a similar timeline .. I hear the words "almost 3 years ago" when people ask how long ago Chad died, and I just stop because in my heart, it does in no way feel like it's been almost 3 years. I can't account for LARGE chunks of that time apparently. Almost 3 years away ...and I still mark events ...3 years ago I was.. we were ... he was.....

Little background here. My husband was a jet engine mechanic on an Air Force base as a contractor for 17 years. The same group of guys stayed together for all that time. They were very close knit. They all got laid off in 2012. Of the 13 or so of them, FOUR have died since losing that job. Two alcohol related, one depression related suicide and I don't remember the other one. But losing that job was the catalyst that set in motion MANY horrible things. Anyway, on March 12th Chad's closest friend Rick died of liver cirrhosis. He'd been depressed and lost his identity. He went from a jet engine specialist to a walmart greeter. Alcohol killed him just as it killed my Chad, albeit in a different manner. He was divorced, no close family here, no church family. His exwife had moved in with him when he got so sick to help him and they shared bills because they were both struggling financially. Anyway when he died, I reached out to her by text, remembering i didn't want to talk to anyone on the phone that soon. I offered help, etc. I called the guy that had been their supervisor. Turns out he was trying to help pull together enough money to even have him cremated. They had no life insurance. Her son just turned 20 ... there will be no social security help. I told him Id start a gofundme page. I never heard from her and in a way, I felt a little relieved because the whole thing was already stirring up triggers. Then yesterday she called. and needs help with the service. It's going to be a military one like we had for Chad, and it's all going to be graveside so she won't have to pay a funeral home. I find myself committed to making a flower arrangement for the memorial table, coordinating the color guard, picking up the flag ... etc. Because she was lost. And now ... today is the 8th anniversary of the day my daddy died, and I can think of nothing else but military funerals. I'll have to go next Thursday and set it all up. Stay for it. Stay after to help her and I'm just not sure now that I've committed myself how I will be able to handle it. I couldn't NOT offer to help and there was no way I was going to say no to anything that poor woman needs. She was very brave to even know what to ask for help with. So now I'm scared on how I'm going to handle that......it will be like reliving Chad's Any suggestions for keeping what little sanity I have left?

thank you Maureen ... I have to admit, I came here needing a shoulder as it were, and out of 43 views, you were the only one who answered. I know I myself haven't been active on the board at all lately because I have been struggling and just had no words....for myself or anyone else. But I also wasn't reading. If I read someones post, I reply most of the time even if it's just a virtual hug. There's no just no "in real life" that I know would understand like the people here do. Just knowing my words were read, means so much. Carol ... lol we must have been posting at the same time ......thank you so much for your reply.

I put him on a plane to Saudi 3 years ago today. I went looking for this post to let myself feel it, because despite everything, somehow it was one of the best days of my life. I?ve yet to type out my whole story on the board (here or ywbb). It?s scattered in bits and pieces but honestly it is quite long. But this morning, I heard this song on Pandora, by Lee Ann Womack called ?The Last Time?, and this verse just hit me so hard: ?When you put your arms around my neck And I barely even kissed you back But if I'd have known it was the last time I'da held on a little longer And let that moment linger And never let your fingers slip away from mine If I'da known there'd never be another day I'da watched you as you walked away And kept you in my eyes till you were out of sight If I, If I'da known it was the last time? I was in the bathroom getting ready for work and I couldn?t even finish makeup before I was crying it off. Because of ALL the many many ?if I had only?, or ?What if??? , all those regrets, I DID have that. Chad was never a publicly demonstrative person. He was military to the core and didn?t like PDA. I can vividly see every detail of February 22, 2013. He was leaving for Saudi that day. I had tried to get several people to go with me because I knew I would more than likely get upset and driving home alone was not something I wanted to do. Fate or God or something had a different plan. No one could go with me, so I went alone. We didn?t take the kids, he?d said his goodbyes to them that morning and they went on to school. He drove and about halfway there ?I?m Already There? by Lonestar played. I tried to change it because it hurt, but he said to leave it and he grabbed my hand and held it on his leg as he drove. Tears streamed down both our faces. The odds of that old song coming on at that moment seem so slim now. Then when we got to the airport he told me I was going to have to leave him at the curb. I didn?t want to, I told him I would just get him checked in and then leave. We got to the counter and as she was checking him in the attendant overheard us talking about Saudi and asked how long he was going to be gone. When we told her a year, she asked if I would like a gate pass. I was floored. I didn?t think those were even done anymore. We were hours early because of it being an international flight and those hours are irreplaceable in my memory. Because for those few hours, he was what I always knew he could be, what I had always wanted. We ate lunch together. We sat at the gate with our arms around each other and really talked. And this next part, it still seems like a movie scene ? when they called his flight I walked to the jet way with him and he kissed me. HARD. I mean, like almost dipped me. I was bawling by this point and I told him I wasn?t leaving until the flight was in the air; Id be right there at the window. I was standing there staring at the plane and felt someone behind me and turned around and it was him. He?d dropped his bags and come back for another kiss and it was SO long and so achingly sweet. It was the Chad I?d been looking for for 18 years? there was not a dry eye at that gate and some even clapped. He just looked into my eyes and said he didn?t want to leave me but it was all going to be okay. And when that plane left the ground, something in my heart told me I would never see him physically again. I couldn?t shake it. I acted like a widow then. Took to my bed for days, couldn?t sleep in our bed, I was already grieving but he wouldn?t die until 9 months later. The night before he left had been horrible. He was drunk. He had not packed a single thing. The kids were upset. I had to work till after 9 p.m. that night, he showed up at my office drunk. We fought something fierce. I screamed in RAGE that alcohol had yet again robbed me because we went to bed that night back to back. I feel like those hours at the airport were a gift. Because if someone had gone with me he would never have opened up like that to me. He would NEVER have kissed me like that. And I more than likely would have still been furious from the night before. I?m sitting here at work trying to choke back tears writing this; but it?s so bittersweet, that is ONE regret that thank God I don?t have to have. I was already thinking about posting this this morning and then Mac?s Last Words thread spurred me on. God I miss that man. He made me SO DAMN MISERABLE but I?d give anything for 5 minutes to set some things right 

I have no advice ... just want to say I did the same thing and am still in the bubble. TERRIFIED of breaking the connection. And for many reasons, it can never have a permanent outcome, so I guess I am delaying the inevitable and keeping myself from looking for something that could actually work......but I can't tear away from him, so I totally understand. I also understand the feeling of not being able to tell anyone because they'd be appalled. I'm here if you need to talk ....

That's kinda awesome. The only ways I've felt like chad "showed up" was through music. One day I had my phone on shuffle at work and it played every single one of "His" songs back to back without interruption. I even hit "next" a few times to see if it would keep going. And I've had an app on my phone that I don't regularly use, it only has TWO songs I it (ones I downloaded for his funeral ) and it'll open by itself and Sammy Hagar starts singing Eagles Fly. If I were you I'd take it lol

Facebook loves to remind me of these auspicious occasions :'( :'( :'( Chad died November 23, 2013. But I didn't see or touch him until January 6th. It was HELLISH getting him back here from Saudi Arabia and they messed it up more than once. By the time he was finally here he was blue and black and grey and I didn't even care. He had had no preservation done there, had merely been in a cooler for six weeks plus. I remember his hand literally thawing in mine, to the point that eventually I could curl his hand around mine and it was warm. I laid on him so long my clothes got wet from where he was THAWING. And today it's all I can think of. I had blocked it for so long. At the time I was grateful for anything but today I can remember sights and smells and sensations I had blocked and it HURTS.

some of them want to say and do things that would get them thrown off the site. They don't like there being a record online of what they are saying. I personally think it's a red flag if my phone number is asked for too soon.

Well. It HAS shrunk about a centimeter. So no, no end to the treatment right now, which is upsetting. I cried for an hour. Because it's smaller it was able to move and is affecting different areas now, causing nocturnal seizures and hearing problems and balance issues. I asked when I could reasonably expect to quit the pills and he said no set time just check again in 2 months. Yet again.

1. Tumor has shrunk. Not as much as I wanted ... I had been praying this was the round we'd say I could stop the drugs. Not so lucky but as my friend said at least it's a step in the right direction. 2. What I thought was a $25 gift card yesterday ended up being a $50. More groceries!!!! 3. Tomorrow is finally SS day and I will be able to get a present or two for my kids to have for Christmas.

I have an inoperable meningioma. I've been taking chemo drugs since June to reduce it since I'm not a candidate for surgery. Chemo is a relatively new thing for meningioma treatment and at first they told me two months, it's been six. I've had an MRI every 2 months since then and I HATE them. I used to work for my neurologist and we are actually friends so he usually calls me the same day with the results but I didn't hear from him yesterday so I'm a little worried. The test also took longer than normal too. If they tell me it's not shrunk any I just don't know what i'll do. It's not cancerous, but nonetheless it's location is dangerous.

I'm about an hour east of you. I'd love to end up meeting some other wids in the area.

1. Got a $25 gift card from a co worker today ...that will buy dinner tonight and tomorrow, and thankfully SS is weds. 2. A patient gave me a candle that smells like Christmas trees. 3. ........ well. ... maybe later ........

I DESPISE getting MRIs of the head. Claustrophobia is bad enough without putting your head in a vise too, but I go for an update to see where I stand with the alien invasion in my head. I'm really hoping theres been some significant change for the good. meds to counteract side effects of meds on top of other meds ... well it's getting old and I'm worn down about as far as I can go. I have no energy, taste buds are fried, vision has been affected, balance .... etc. Tired of feeling like an invalid and would like to see a benefit to all this torture. That's what I want most this Christmas. Wish me luck.

Ive just given up on the whole deal. Don't even have a tree up and I just don't care anymore. I don't know what to do about ANY of it. There's no way to pull it together. I just don't understand , he actually died on Thanksgiving week and THAT year I decorated the whole house, bought gifts, did the whole shebang. Last year, I managed. A local radio station helped be Santa for the kids and I decorated. This year? I just can't even. Just cant. It's FOUR. DAYS. AWAY.

eastern NC here

You know how Clarke has all these big plans about a pool he's going to put in with his Christmas bonus? And he gets enrolled in the jelly of the month club instead? Today was our office Christmas party and I have been anxiously waiting for this day because we have always gotten $300 bonuses and that was to be what I was going to use to buy my kids' gifts. I think I may have mentioned here that we were ought out by a larger corporate hospital in November and while we were told there wouldn't be any significant changes, I guess they didn't realize how significant of a change it is when you go from $300 to ... an UMBRELLA. Ho HO HO. Merry effing Christmas. We were all just stunned. And I have to sit here for 2 1/2 more hours, running my area AND someone elses' who is out and try to put on a smile for the patients. Chad always had such a great bonus and Christmas was always a peach to pull off. I miss him so much, not just for that but man ... I'm sorry for the whine, this just sucks

I can't remember if I screamed. All I remember is saying NO NO NO NO over and over. then I grabbed the keys and drove to the church (it was a sunday morning, service was going on). I even left one of my kids at home by accident. I don't remember driving there. or walking in .. I just knew if I could get there my sister would fix it and that man on the phone would have made a mistake.

Chad died on November 23rd ... thanksgiving week so I was flung straight into the storm of the holiday season immediately with fresh widowhood. But I decorated and cooked and had "normal" Christmas that year. I did it on autopilot and I was very numb I think. He'd been in Saudi for 9 months so his absence didn't feel all that strange; so my brain must have pretended he was still out there somewhere. Last year was TERRIBLE but I did manage to decorate and do the family thing. This year, should have been easier yet I still don't have a decorated Christmas tree and not the first shred of outdoor Christmas , nor have I done cards or baked or any of that stuff. I feel ruined

OHMYGOD yes! I used to question God why some people seemed to get "instant deliverance" from alcohol and Chad couldn't no matter how hard he prayed for it. His was definitely genetic. No one hated it more than he did. this was a very enlightening post for me .......thank you

I STILL haven't done it